


lovers in past life

by corneliaolivia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Clexa, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn, Survival Training
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21975697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corneliaolivia/pseuds/corneliaolivia
Summary: '' I never thought that I would be able to feel like this again. '''' Like what? '''' Whole. ''-  A year after Lexa's death, Lexa finds herself waking up in a different body, in another clan and finds out that things are far from normal and far from home. In this story we follow Lexa as she struggles to find her way back, of accepting her faith and to build up her trust with a familiar someone again. We follow her journey as she helps Clarke heal, and helps her find her way back. Is this Lexa's second chance at life?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100), Lexa & Nightbloods (The 100)
Comments: 163
Kudos: 443





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is the first chapter of a story I am thinking of starting with. Let me know what you think of this and of this idea and if it would be worth to continue on. 
> 
> If I do continue, the chapters will of course be longer, but as a first chapter I just wanted to post a little something to first just see what you think of it all! :)

The air feels cold, almost too cold. It is icy in her lungs and stinging with pain when Lexa coughs back her breath. The exhale clouds around her lips in a hovering fog from the cold in the air around her, yet is soon fades out into nothingness again. The night lies thick around, and the sky hovers above with rocks burning from millions of miles away. Usually Lexa would have enjoyed the view, although now her vision is blurry and she still feels half-dazed from just waking up. Her head feels heavy, and pulsing with pain once she finally finds the strength to sit up.

‘’ Are you all right? ‘’ 

The deep husky voice echoes through her ears as she glances around, trying to find the face of who it belongs to. Still, the pounding in Lexa’s head makes her vision only more unclear. She is not even completely sure where most of the pain comes from, she can feel it as well in her stomach as in her head. Pulsing, throbbing, hard and fast. The ground she sits on isn’t ideal either, it soaks her pants from the rain pouring down, leaving her skin with raised hair and goosebumps all over. Her back feels painfully sore from the ground, and with a mud-covered hand she brings it up to swipe at the blood running from her forehead. It leaves her skin dirty, mixed with mud and red blood. Yet the dirt isn’t what startles Lexa, but rather the color of the blood once she looks back down on her hand. It is red. Clear red blood that soaks into her skin in the palm of her hand. 

“ Hey,, can you stand? “ Lexa blinks, and looks back up at the man in front of her. His shadow hovers from above and his hair is drained with rain. The white armor he is wearing and the scars on his face are too familiar to go unnoticed. Although, when Lexa blinks away the last bit of daze she feels and her eyes return to the warrior in front of her, his face fits right in with the husky voice. It is Roan. His face is too familiar to not recognize, yet the sight only makes Lexa’s head pound faster. He reaches out an arm to help her up, but Lexa’s eyes are stuck on his face. Thoughts keeps her head occupied, yet Lexa has never felt like her mind has been more blank. She doesn’t remember anything of what happened, and once Lexa glances around, all she can find is the depth of the forest. Trees surrounding her from every angle, and the more she looks the faster her head start to pulse. Yet the faster her head pulse, the blurrier her vision becomes. It only takes a moment close to a second before the trees are sneaking in on her and the darkness appear. Just a moment of a second before her eyes roll back into nothingness and her body collapses to the ground with a thud. 

  
  


______________

  
  


Lexa wakes moments later by the movement from underneath her body, it is rocking her awake in a half-dazed phase and she is aware of the warmth from the body pressed to her own. Her own clothes are soaking wet from the rain, and by the wind that keeps blasting at her face Lexa soon stirs fully awake. The horse is strong and muscular underneath her thighs, and Roan’s body is cold but steady behind her. His body helps keeping her up on the back of the horse as they move in one through the forest. 

The open landscape soon becomes more clear in sight from ahead, and the large tents soon more visible behind the trees. Lexa had visited many parts of the forest and thought she had every part and every clan carved to her bones, yet there was one clan and one part of the forest that Lexa had made sure to stay away from. It was the part that made her heart ache and her body tense. It was the part of the forest that Lexa found herself in now. Their clan symbol of a hand is noticeable on every tent, and on every tree she lay her eyes on. It draws a sharp breath to her lungs and her gut to clench almost painfully hard. Even the pounding in her head and the pulsing in her stomach is almost forgotten once her eyes get stuck on the new surroundings, and on the people walking up close by their sides once they ride through the gates of _Azgeda_. Every warrior seen by her side is covered with heavy armors and furs. Covered with scars in their faces or white warpaint on their cheeks. It is unusual from the black Lexa is used to. From the black warpaint used at home, used among Trikru. 

A loud shout is soon heard among them once the guards inform the others of their king’s arrival. Lexa doesn’t even have the strength to fight back once her body is thrown off the horse and into the arms of a taller warrior. Whatever they have planned to do with her, whether it is to torture her or kill her, Lexa’s body is not ready to fight back, nor is she strong enough to. If queen Nia would have been alive, this was a moment she most definitely would not have missed. Lexa finally being taken by the Ice Nation, finally facing the faith that the queen believed she deserved under all these years. 

“ She suffered a hard hit to her head, take her to Nika and then bring her back to me. “ 

Lexa can feel herself being carried in the arms of the strong warrior. Yet her body is too weak to resist it. All she can do is to let the Ice Nation warrior carry her lifeless body back to the large tent behind the trees while her eyes drift between reality and unconsciousness. Yet most of the pain Lexa feels isn’t in her head, but rather in her stomach and close to her chest. It is throbbing hard, and pulsing with pain. Her body is shivering from the cold that her wet clothes stirs as they stick to her skin, however it is warmer in the tent once they get inside. 

‘’ Nika, _sis em au_. ‘’ Words echoes through Lexa’s ears in daze. She can see the outline of someone standing further into the tent, and as the shadow steps forward, Lexa soon feels a warm touch to her forehead. 

‘’ She is freezing cold, put her on the bed. ‘’ 

Lexa shivers, and her own body is fighting to keep her as warm and protected as possible. Although, her soaked clothes feels glued to her skin and only makes her breathing heavier as she tries to breathe through the thickness in her throat. Her hair is damp and sticks to the skin on her face, getting mixed with the dirt and blood that is already covering the features in her face. However, Lexa doesn’t care. She gasps in an attempt to get more air into her lungs, but the movement only sets a stinging ache in motion. She glances down on her own hand, seeing it painted with mud and red blood. Blood that isn’t familiar to her own, blood that must belong to someone else. Yet the throbbing ache she can feel in her stomach is far worse from the one in her head. She tries to get her body to a sitting position from where she’s placed on the bed in the middle of the tent. However, the grunt that escapes her lips by the motion only brings the attention to her, and the woman inside the tent is soon close by Lexa’s side. 

‘’ Easy, _goufa_. ‘’ Her hands hold Lexa firmly over the shoulders to keep her from moving, and with a light push, Lexa finds herself lie down on the bed again. Her head falls back onto the warmth in the furs with a grunt, it is almost too comfortable to resist, though staying still in Azgeda territory in this condition is not ideal. She is way too vulnerable and weak to fight if necessary, and from Lexa’s experience fighting often occurs in meeting with the Ice Nation. They have never had a welcoming history, only full of war and terror, and from experience, Lexa knows that they aren’t the ones to fight easy. They don’t hold back. Ice Nation warriors are brutally trained from a young age. Yet now, with the way the woman swipes a piece of wet fabric over the wound on Lexa’s forehead, it doesn’t seem like hurting her is what they are out after. With the way the woman gently cleans the wound from dirt and blood, it rather seems like she is helping her heal. 

“ Is she all right? “ The taller warrior stay still in the opening of the tent, observing every move the woman makes. 

“ She will be. “ 

“ It is only a light scratch. “ 

_A light scratch._ Yet the pain Lexa feels in every part of her body feels far from light. Is it poor judgement or is the Ice Nation just that tough? Lexa glances up on the woman hovering above her. Her cheeks are covered with scars and her face painted white. Her blonde hair is braided down her back and her body covered in soft fur-armors. Her eyes are crystal blue as they stay locked with Lexa’s, and with the notice of a lingering smile in the corner of the woman’s lips, Lexa looks away. She needs to get back to Polis, she needs to inform her healers of her injuries and get real help from someone she trusts, from Nyko or Clarke. _Clarke._ Lexa’s eyes sharpen and her body fills with an energy she wasn’t aware of, completely ignoring the pain in her stomach when her body throws itself to a sitting position. She needs to find Clarke. 

“ _Hod op. “_ the woman puts her hand back on Lexa’s shoulder to hold her still in her fast movements. 

“ You are wounded, stay still. “ 

Lexa grunts by the stinging pain that throbs in her stomach from the sudden move. It is pulsing fast when Lexa puts her hand over it. A part of her wants to ignore it, if it only is a light scratch then Lexa should be able to overlook it and get back to Polis, back to Clarke. 

“ Is your stomach hurting? “ Lexa tilts her chin down in a nod, but doesn’t have time to protest nor react before the woman lifts her shirt to observe the wound. Her fingers are cold as they trace Lexa’s skin, it draws a light gasp from her lips and when they linger a little too long on one specific spot, Lexa’s eyes glance down to where the woman’s hand is placed. With a sharp intake of breath Lexa studies her skin only to find the spot clean from blood and with nothing but a large scar inches from under her breasts. 

“ When did you get that? “ 

Lexa looks confused over the scar, she had never seen it before. It looks tolerably old and shouldn't hurt as much as it does. Her own fingers sweep over the flesh, and she shivers slightly by her own cold touch. 

“ I don’t know. “ The words leave Lexa’s mouth in a breath as her eyes observe the new found scar. A scar like that should be something to remember, it should be something that she should be aware of. So why isn’t she? 

The woman sighs before she pulls the shirt down over Lexa’s body again. There isn’t anything she can do about a scar that already looks relatively healed. Yet Lexa stares blank in front of her, with her mind running in a thousand miles per hour and with her heart speeding on the inside of her chest. Things are far from normal, and she is far from home. How did she end up here? 

“ Who did this to you, Alicia? “ 

“ _Lexa_. “ she isn’t even sure if she misheard it, yet a part of Lexa still felt the need to correct her. 

“ What did you say? “ 

“ It is Lexa. “ she breathes with the last bit of strength that she has, although it only draws a light laugh in form of a puff of air to sneak out from the woman’s lips. The sound makes Lexa shoot her gaze back at her, confused and alarming in the way the woman doesn’t seem to understand what she said. 

“ Your head must have received a pretty hard hit. “ 

Lexa’s brows furrows as she stares back. She meets the woman’s eyes seconds later and can quickly see the changes in her face by the seriousness covering her own features. 

“ _Goufa_ , it is impossible for her to have been the one to attack you today. “ 

“ What do you mean? “ Lexa asks, and she notice how the other woman exhales deeply. 

“ The Commander died over a year ago. “

  
  
  


_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations 
> 
> sis em au = heal her 
> 
> goufa = child 
> 
> hod op = wait


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad that some of you seemed interested in this story! I have such a great idea for this storyline so I hope to be able to continue with it.
> 
> \- I haven’t been able to read through the chapter too clearly so I apologize in advance if there’s something wrong. I will look into it more tomorrow, but other than that, enjoy! :)

  
  


Lexa stares at the reflection looking back at her through the glass piece in form of a mirror. She stares deeply over the features in her face, and over each new change and detail. The sound from the rain pouring down on top of the tent echoes in the back of her ears. Lexa used to enjoy the sound of the rain. Yet now she is too occupied with the reflection staring back at her to care. She is too occupied to watch the reflection that isn’t her own, a reflection she isn’t familiar with, and of a reflection that doesn’t belong to the rest of her. Dirt and dry blood is still smeared over her face with the mix of white warpaint, even after the woman had made sure to clean the wound. It covers every feature of her face, still it doesn’t erase what hides underneath. It doesn’t hide the face that looks unfamiliar to her own. Her skin is too tanned, her hair too curly, and freckles appear just slightly over her skin where she hasn’t seen them before. Her eyes are the only thing that looks somewhat like her own. The depth of green captures her soul that lingers in them. It mirrors her spirit that is locked deep inside. 

Lexa exhales deeply and closes her eyes. Her heart beats hard and fast inside her chest, making her feel a pulsing in her throat of the lump that the tears in her eyes stirs. Everything feels overwhelming and surreal. This is not something that can happen. All those times when Gustus or Titus used to explain to her how the spirit of the Commander moves on after death, this is not what Lexa had in mind. She always figured that they talked about the flame, about how the flame will pass from one Commander to the other, and not that her actual spirit would actually pass on into the next life. Because things like that are not something that just happens. 

Lexa’s hands tightens around the rock she found in the tent, her heart pulse with energy and the mirror shatters into small pieces all over the ground once Lexa throws the rock onto it. The noise echoes through the tent and was probably heard from far out, but Lexa doesn’t care. She can’t handle seeing the reflection staring back at her, and all she can feel is how her chest tightens and her eyes burn. It makes her vision blurry from the few tears that find their way to her eyes. Lexa doesn’t usually cry, but everything is too overwhelming not to. She _died_. She can even remember each detail of _how_ she died, she can still see the panic spread wide over Clarke’s face once she realized that no matter how hard she tried she wouldn’t be able to save her. It was painful, and Lexa can still feel it in every part of her. 

Nika had explained how Lexa suffers from a memory loss by the hit she received to her head earlier during the day. How it is probably only temporary and will come back soon enough once Lexa starts to heal and become stronger again. Yet Lexa knows that it’s not true. She doesn’t suffer from memory loss, if anything she remembers everything too well. Everything up to the moment a gunshot was heard and her lungs started to collapse and run out of breath. She remembers it all too clearly, and almost even wish that memory loss actually is what she suffers from. Because maybe then, this wouldn’t be as hard to understand. 

“ Alicia? “ 

Lexa turns by the sound of the husky voice, only to find Roan staring back at her from the opening of the tent. He starts to walk further in once Lexa nods slowly in consent. 

“ I heard the hit you received seems to be more serious than I thought. “ Roan points to the light scratch on Lexa’s forehead where she apparently had received the hit that had her head throbbing with pain on her way back to camp. It is pointless to explain how the wound on her forehead is the least of her problems and instead explain how she finds herself with a mysterious scar on her stomach and her soul trapped in a stranger's body. It is all too surreal to understand and Roan would probably only think that it is the hit to her head that made damage to her brain. That her memory loss is so severe that she can’t even remember who she is. 

Lexa sucks in a sharp intake of breath before stepping closer.

“ What happened? “

“ I was about to ask you the same. “ Roan starts, before he sighs. 

“ You fell off your horse, hit your head on a rock. “ 

” Were we not attacked? “ 

“ No. “ 

Lexa watches as Roan moves over the ground and around the tent, over to the table on the other end to pour himself a cup of water. Yet Lexa stand still, just watching blank before her as she lets the words set to her mind. There are so many things that she wants to ask, still Lexa isn’t sure if it will only make her seem more crazy. It probably will. 

“ I should let you get cleaned up and change before we leave. “ 

Lexa turn her eyes back at Roan as her brows furrows confused. 

“ Leave where? “ 

“ Polis. “ 

“ Polis? “ Lexa whispers, she can feel her heart speed by the mention of her beloved Capital, of her home and everyone who waits back at it. Of Clarke. Lexa lowers her shoulders and can feel the lump grow tighter in her throat by the thought. How would she be able to explain this to Clarke? And where was she now? What happened to Clarke after Lexa’s death? 

“ Yes, for the meeting with the Commander and the other ambassadors. “ 

“ We were on our way before you.. “ Roan gestures up to the scratch on Lexa’s forehead and with a light touch she let her own fingers trace the skin. Yet her mind is stuck on the first sentence. Who did take over as the Commander after her death? Who became the new carrier of the flame, and who is leading her people now? 

“ Roan, who is the Commander? “ 

Roan takes a sip of the water with his eyes deep buried into Lexa’s. 

“ The hit really did something to your head. “ 

He places the cup back on the table and turn his eyes away from Lexa again. 

“ Maybe I should let you rest and bring Echo instead. “ 

“ No. “ 

If they now are going to Polis, then Lexa can’t miss the opportunity to go back. She needs to return to her people, she needs to find Clarke and she needs to find answers as to what is going on. 

“ Okay then. “ Roan sighs. 

“ Just be ready. We leave in an hour. “ 

_______________

  
Lexa sinks into the warm bath, letting the water embrace her body steady and slow as it adjusts to the sudden temperature change. Lexa doesn’t think that a bath has ever felt so good, yet now with spending hours drained in soaked wet clothes, it is exactly what she needs. 

The scar on her stomach doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did before once it comes in contact with the water. It isn’t throbbing with ache or pulsing in pain like it had done hours before. Yet she shudders lightly once she traces her finger over it. Slow and careful she let her finger travel over the scar. She wonders what the girl who had this body before her, must have done to get it. It doesn’t look like a scar from an animal, although it doesn’t look like a scar from a sword or knife either. It is rare and confusing, but then again, what about all of this isn’t? 

Lexa exhales deeply before sinking even lower into the water. She closes her eyes and can feel her heart pound hard in an uneven rhythm in her chest. It is almost painful in the way it beats. Her body still feels undeniable weak, yet a part of her can’t think the slightest about staying in Azgeda any longer, a part of her feels the need to run to Polis _now._ Yet the last part of her is wondering why she isn’t. Maybe she’s just not strong enough yet, maybe she just needs a moment to breathe and land in what is going on. In what is happening to her. 

She sinks under the surface of the water, letting it capture every feature in her face before she brings her hands up to wash off the last of the white paint and dry blood. The red color of it runs down her hands and into the water, slightly changing the color of the water as it gets smeared out with the white and red. The color of all of it mixed together lingers on the surface, and a clenching ache sets just between Lexa’s ribs once she opens her eyes again and looks down on the mess. Her throat tightens painfully hard by the sight. It creates a hard lump to sneak up through the dryness in her throat. The wound on her forehead stings just lightly by the water that sinks in, yet it is nothing compared to the pain Lexa feels everywhere else. It is nothing compared to the pain she can feel inside of her. It is nothing compared to the way it feels like the world weighs down on her chest and makes it hard to breathe. 

“ Is all well, _goufa? “_

Lexa listens as someone walks into the tent, she can’t see who by the curtain that separates the back of the tent where she bathes, to the opening of it. Yet, she is still able to recognize the voice from before, and she figures that whoever Nika is, she must be someone special to the one Lexa is now. She must be someone special by the way she seems to care so deeply for Lexa, or for the person she thinks Lexa is. 

Yet, Lexa doesn’t have time to answer or even think of one before the curtain is pulled back and Nika walks in. She is dressed in the same fur-armors as before and still has the white paint covering her face. It is symbolic for the way the Ice Nation dresses. 

“ Are you still in the bath? Roan is waiting. “ 

Nika sighs before she brings a fabric cloth with her as she kneels by the bath. She gently dips the cloth in the water before she swipes it up over Lexa’s bicep and over to her back. The touch makes Lexa suck in a sharp intake of breath before she exhales deeply. She has no energy left in her to do nothing else but to let Nika wash her body. Usually Lexa is more private when it comes to things like these and prefers to do it alone in silence, yet now Lexa feels too weak to do it herself and Nika’s touch actually starts to feel somewhat comforting. The white paint is smeared over Lexa’s face but with a gentle swipe, Nika washes it off. 

“ I was told that you were not attacked. “ 

Lexa shifts her chin just slightly as she looks back at Nika from over her naked shoulder. Still, she remains silent and waits for Nika to continue. Because it doesn’t matter what Lexa does, either way she can’t remember what Nika wants her to. 

“ Was it your heart? “ 

By the silence that still lingers in the tent, Nika sighs. She places the soaked cloth of fabric beside the bath before her eyes turn back to lock with Lexa’s. 

“ You suffered a traumatic bomb experience three years ago, since then you have had problems with your heart. “ 

“ So I am asking you, did the heart have anything to do with why you suddenly fell off your horse? “

Lexa looks back down on the water and can just slightly see the reflection staring back at her. Her hair is soaked wet as it sticks to the skin on her face and body, and with a light touch, Lexa places her hand over her heart. She remembers nothing from before she first opened her eyes, but maybe the person before her did. Maybe the person of who this body belongs to, suffered an incident with her heart. However, Lexa doesn’t know, and she will never be able to know the answers to it either. Instead she shrug her shoulders and shifts her body away from Nika just slightly. 

“ Roan informed me that we are leaving for the Capital to meet with the Commander. “ Lexa whispers, and Nika looks back at her surprised. 

“ She speaks. “ 

Lexa shifts and lets her eyes stay locked with Nika’s. Searching for answers in the depth of them. 

“ I may suffer from some kind of memory loss, “ Lexa starts slowly and with her voice low and husky. The words leave her mouth in barely above a whisper in a form of breath of air. 

“ But I need you to inform me of who the Commander is. “ 

Nika laughs before she stands and walks away from the bath. Her reaction only makes Lexa’s throat grow drier and her gut to clench painfully hard. The not knowing part is what is worst. Who takes care of her people now that she can’t? 

“ No one worthy. “ Nika starts. 

“ No one with clean blood and worthy enough to carry the flame. “ 

Lexa swallows thickly and keeps her eyes on Nika, watching as she searches for new clothes for Lexa to wear in one of the drawers by the bath. The thought of someone who is not worthy of the flame, actually being the Commander, scares her. Still, Lexa knows that Azgeda has never agreed with her choices before, so it can might as well be someone good who has taken over. Lexa has to remind herself of that to give herself some kind of hope that Aden made it through the conclave. She had been so sure of him, so sure that he would win. But since Azgeda has never agreed with her choices, there still might be a chance that he did. 

“ _Gyon op. “_ Nika brings her back to present, and Lexa turns to watch as she holds a large fabric in front of her. With a deep exhale that almost hurts by the tightness in her chest, Lexa stands and gets out of the bath. The warm water runs down her naked body and down to the ground. It soaks the ground she stands on and the cold air creates goosebumps to cover her skin and the hair on her legs to rise in an attempt to help her stay warm. She walks into the embrace of Nika and lets her put the fabric around her naked shoulders. It it comforting and soon brings Lexa’s body heat again. 

“ Do not worry about it, _goufa._ “ 

“ You will soon get back to normal. “ 

Nika runs her hands hard and fast up the length of Lexa’s arms to help her dry and stay warm. Still, Lexa stares blank in front of her. Because no matter how much she wants to believe the words, she isn’t as sure that they will. 

  
  


______________

The sky has cleared up just slightly once Lexa walks back out of the tent. The ground is still soaking wet, although no rain is longer falling from the open sky. Lexa is aware that the trip from the Azgeda land and back to Polis is quite far, and it is not a trip tempting enough to do in the pouring rain. 

Lexa glances around over her surroundings. She has never spent much time in the Ice Nation territories before, and it has been long since she last visited. During winter time, their land is usually covered with snow and ice, much like their given name. However, now it is just covered with mud and dirt that the rain pulled out from the ground underneath. It leaves her boots covered with it, still she is at least not stuck in the drained armor anymore like she was before. The new Azgeda armor that covers her body feels unusual and unfamiliar. It feels too loose over her skin and too heavy over her shoulders. The fur over her new coat feels too warm and uncomfortable. Nothing like the mental armor she is used to. Lexa even misses her heavy shoulder piece. The one part of her armor that always used to leave her shoulder sore and weak after wearing it for too long. She misses the red fabric sweeping over the ground as she moves, the red fabric that was her protection from the rain. She misses all of who she used to be and everything that came with it. _Almost._

Her eyes land back on Roan who stands by the opening fire. His big fur-coat hangs heavily over his shoulders, almost making him seem larger than he is. He has a sharp sword stuck to the piece on his back and his hair is up in a half bun on the top of his head to keep it from falling down over his face. He looks way calmer than Lexa feels, and he doesn’t seem in a rush to get to the Capital in the least. Far from what Lexa is feeling. Lexa’s mind is pounding with questions that makes her head throb painfully hard, and the tightness in her chest only clench harder around her heart. She doesn’t have time to spend in Azgeda, she doesn’t have time to chit chat and sit around. She needs to get back to Polis, fast. She needs to find Titus in order to get help. She needs to find Indra for guidance, and she needs to find Clarke for comfort. She’s not even sure of what to say once she gets there, yet the only thing she knows for sure is that she _needs_ to get back. 

She walks up close to Roan’s side by the flickering fire. Her presence makes him turn his gaze in an instant to meet her eyes. The features in his face are sharp serious as he glances over the ones in Lexa’s. There is an intimidation in Roan’s eyes that Lexa has most definitely seen before. It makes her strengthen her spine and her hands to clasp together behind her back. Solid and steady she stands while she watches his eyes travel over every detail in her face before he sighs heavily. 

“ It is important that we appear intimidating to the other ambassadors. “ he starts low and husky, and Lexa stares back as the brows furrows on top of her forehead while she watches the deep exhale leave his lips before he kneels to drag his fingers through the ashes on the ground. 

“ Here. “ 

Lexa stands still when Roan stands in front of her, and as he runs his fingers over Lexa’s eye and over one side of her face. The black color from the ashes leaves a mark on her skin in a form of a printed claw over her eye. Nevertheless, Lexa doesn’t feel like she is strong enough to protest or fight back. She knows that in this state, Roan is way too strong to fight. It is not worth it and will probably only put her in a worse situation than the one she is already finding herself in. _Choosing her battles,_ is one thing she was taught at a young age, it is a lesson that Lexa intends to stick to specifically in this situation. However, it doesn’t change the way Lexa’s eyes stare sharp into Roan’s, and with the silence of her eyes, she watches how he lightly backs away to study the work. 

“ Better. “ He breathes, satisfied with his work and Lexa feels the words like a punch to her gut. Yet, she makes sure to raise her chin and keep her spine rigid and strong before him. Even if she is less powerful than him in this moment, it is not something that she can let be shown. Instead, she swallows down the frustration that grows through the thickness in her throat. 

“ When do we leave? “ 

“ _Now_. “ 

  
  


_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations 
> 
> Goufa = child 
> 
> Gyon op = get up


	3. authors note!

hello!! 

I’m just checking in with a little update to say that I am working on the next chapter of this story and it should be out reeeally soon. My other story is now finished which means that I will begin to put a lot of attention and time on this one! So I am really looking forward for you guys to read the next update and I promise to have it out soon! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so I’m back with a new chapter for this story! I am so excited to continue with this and I hope you will like it too! I got such a sweet response on my last story so I’m hoping that you will like this as well! 
> 
> anyway, enjoy!

With five hours into their journey, Lexa’s head is already pounding with ache. Every muscle in her body are cramping and feels on the verge of bursting completely the longer they sit still on top of their horses. Her body still feels too weak and her mind too much in daze for a journey like this, but Lexa can not waste any more time away from Polis. She needs to get back home. Home where she is safe and where she is offered and served better and more trustworthy medical help for her injuries. Home where she is surrounded by people she can trust, and home where there might be someone who can help her. Because for now, the only goal for Lexa is to return home, and with the way her head is pounding only to make her vision more blurry, she is hoping to reach it sooner rather than later. 

The fur-armor only starts feeling heavier over her body with each step they take. It clenches around her body, making it hard to breathe properly, and feels almost too warm against her skin. It sets a heavy rhythm to her raising chest and is not helping with the way her mind feels in daze. Lexa almost feels on the verge of passing out completely, and the only noise she can hear is from the way her heart thrums inside her chest. Hard and fast against her ribcage. The whole world around her feels in blur. The trees sweeping past her as they stroll down the path of the forest. 

“ Are you okay? “

Roan asks, and Lexa is immediately pulled out from her roaming thoughts. From thoughts that are far from present, and from thoughts that soon lets her get back to reality. 

  
With a blistered hand, Lexa brings it up to swipe at her sweat-covered forehead. The coal from the ashes are starting to itch around her eye as it starts to dry into her skin. It tightens into her flesh and the growing urge to reach a hand up to scratch it is almost impossible to contain. Still, Lexa soon greets Roan’s eyes before she tilts her chin down and blinks back in response. She can not show herself as weak, because she can not risk Roan sending her back to Azgeda if he finds out about her weaknesses. She _needs_ to do this, no matter at what cost. No matter how much her head is pulsing with pain or how much her muscles are cramping with ache, she _needs_ to get back to Polis.

To be honest, Lexa is still not completely sure as to why they are supposedly meeting up with the other ambassadors and with the new ascended Commander. She is aware of how all of the ambassadors are only summoned to a meeting if a situation is critical and serious, and the Ice Nation are rarely ever called for if it is not absolutely necessary. Azgeda rarely returns to Trikru land, let alone the Capital if they do not have to, and the other clans rarely ever invite them either. It has always been easier that way. They do not want anything to do with the other clans, and no one has ever been stupid enough to want anything from Azgeda. Leaving each other alone on different sides of the forest, has been the easiest way to keep the peace between the clans. Which is why Lexa understands that this must be something they can not miss. She is not sure what, but is has seemed important ever since Lexa first woke up in Azgeda land.

Returning to Polis is the only way for Lexa to find answers. It is the only place that will offer her answers. She needs to find out what happened after her death. What she left behind. What fell into ashes with her and what remains of the place she once called home. The last thing she remembers is Clarke hovering above her. Feeling the tightness in her chest as her lungs began to collapse and run out of breath. She had struggled to keep them fighting, but no air had suddenly felt enough to fill the void in her lungs. She had felt her body drift between reality and what felt like death. Between life and a place that was not of the physical world. In a place where everything else is that Lexa never knew existed. She can still see the image of Clarke beside her. She can still see the panic in her eyes once she started to realize that there was nothing she could do. Death would take Lexa away from her no matter how hard Clarke fought to keep her in life. Life works that way. In all fairness and unfairness, and there is nothing to stop it. That is why, Lexa has never blamed Clarke for it. Not in any moment of shock or fear, has she ever blamed Clarke for what happened. It is almost rather the opposite, because once Lexa thinks about it, she is almost rather thankful that she became the target of the bullet and not Clarke. She would not have handled to witness the bullet hit the girl she loved. _Loves_.

Lexa is not sure what happened to Clarke after her own death. Maybe that is just what worries her the most. Is Clarke still in Polis? Or has she returned home with her people from the sky? Lexa is not sure what will greet her once she steps into the walls of Polis. She does not know how the Conclave went or who won. Who has taken over to carry her legacy after her. All the young nightbloods, all the children who now had to face the battle of death. Aden was one of her oldest novitiates, and Lexa had been training him from a young age to be ready for just this. Yet had it been enough? Did Aden make it through the Conclave like she always thought he would? And is he now the new carrier of the flame? Because to be honest, Lexa had never once doubted him. He was stronger than she was before her own Conclave, that goes without saying. Lexa had not been nearly as skilled when she was his age, and if it weren’t for Luna, she would not have won. If Luna would not have given up and fled, then Lexa would have died long before she did. 

  
  


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After a few more hours, they have reached a stop at the end of a water creek. A growing need to rest, only to stretch, after spending hours on top of their horses had now become too impossible to resist. The drought in Lexa’s throat only makes it harder to breathe properly and the muscles in her thighs and right under her butt feels almost too sore to allow her to keep going any further. They need to rest in order to find strength to keep going, Lexa knows that. She is still too weak for this, and the throbbing ache in her head is reminding her of it. 

“ We‘ll set up a fire and see if we can catch some fish to eat. “ Roan says while his gaze travels over their surroundings. 

They should be able to find some fish in the water creek beside them, and to be honest, Lexa had not even realized just how badly her body was craving it until now. With the mention of food, her stomach is suddenly growling in a desperate hunger. The need to devour something is sudden and unexpected, and Lexa can not deny the way it makes her stomach clench. 

” Are you strong enough to handle that? “ Roan suddenly asks, and the question makes Lexa turn her gaze to him in an instant. Her vision still feels half-dazed and her mind blank from thoughts, yet she waste no time in clearing her throat before she sucks in a breath. 

“ Yes. “ She speaks. She is strong enough for it. She will be able to hunt their fish for them. And she will prove herself strong enough for just that. To be honest, Lexa would describe herself as quite skilled of a hunter. Anya used to teach her each secret method and technique for it when she was younger. She used to teach her just where to hunt for the best fish and just how to strike to succeed in getting it. It was not too hard once she finally figured out just how to do it, yet now it has been awhile since Lexa last hunted. 

“ Well then take this and get to it. “ 

“ I will set up the fire. “ 

With a tilt of her chin, Lexa soon catches the wooden-spear that gets thrown her way. Roan’s own handmade spear from the wood of a larger stick. A stick with a sharper end, perfect for what requires when to hunt for fish. Still, Lexa watches each move Roan makes. She’s watching as he ties the horses to a large tree before he walks down the path of the forest to look for supplies for their fire. They need food and rest to be able to find the strength to continue their journey to Polis. _Lexa,_ needs the food and the rest. Her whole body feels heavy and sore, and if it weren’t for how badly she needs to return home to find help and answers, she would have waited until she felt stronger for this kind of a trip. 

A heavy exhale leaves her mouth in a fog of air as it meets the coldness around her. It rises for the sky yet soon fades out into nothingness again before Lexa begins to undo the clasps on her fur-coat. Chills runs through her veins, and down her spine once the cold air comes in contact with her new exposed skin over her arms. Even if the cold air manage to send shivers down her spine and leave goosebumps to cover her skin, Lexa figures that it is better than to get her whole coat soaked from the water in the creek. She will have to step into it to get a closer reach, and it is not worth making her coat wet for. If she is lucky, it won’t take too long to hunt. 

With a shivering, still weak body, Lexa removes her mud-covered boots too before she begins to roll up her pants over her ankles to prevent them from getting wet the moment she steps into the creek. The water is cold, and Lexa tugs down onto her lips the moment it embraces the skin on her feet. A blood taste start to linger upon her tongue from her hard she bites down, and a small gasp manage to leave the depth of her throat while she steps further in. The cold water has her muscles cramping with ache and her heart to speed inside her chest. It raises the hair on her body in an attempt to help her stay warm, and it almost pains to breathe from the tightness in her chest. 

Lexa wonders if it is the cold that has her body struggling, or if she is still too weak for this. The scar right under her breasts has begun to sting sharply and her head is yet again pulsing with pain. The world feels in blur around her and Lexa has to hold onto the spear painfully hard to not fall down into the water. Because suddenly, the sound of the forest echoes through her ears and her vision is blurry as she stares down on the water in front of her. Her legs are cramping with cold and her heart pulsing in pain. 

After that, it does not take long before Lexa hears the water splash behind her and before she can soon feel Roan’s strong arms lift her weightless body up in a steady embrace. He holds her firmly and steady in his arms as he begins to walk them out of the creek, and Lexa can do nothing else than to let him. Her whole body shivers from the cold, and she struggles to breathe through the thickness in her chest. Her body is too weak. She needs rest, and she needs a chance to heal. 

With a light thud, Roan places her down on the grass by the trunk of a large tree before he places her fur-coat over her shivering body. The fabric provides her heat in an instant and helps with the shakiness in her body. Every muscle in her body are cramping from the cold, and Lexa tugs at her lips by the feeling of it before she glances up to meet Roan’s gaze. 

“ Thank you. “ She lets out in a breath, watching as Roan observes every feature in her face, before he turns his attention back on setting the fire. 

“ You’re weak, Alicia. “ He speaks, and Lexa looks up at him before she pulls the coat higher over her body in a shivering motion. He is right, she is weak. Her body is not strong enough yet. 

“ I will be fine. “ 

Lexa swallows through the drought in her throat. She can not risk getting sent back to the Ice Nation. Not now. The Capital is only a few more hours away, and she needs to reach her destination in Polis. 

“ I hope so, the Commander is expecting us in Polis by tomorrow. “

Lexa raises her chin by the words. It still feels unusual to hear someone refer to the Commander as someone other than herself. Ever since Lexa was very young she has been so used to hearing it, so now it feels unusual and rare to hear someone use it for someone other than herself. 

Still, she pushes herself up from the ground with a grunt leaving her lips. 

“ We should go. “ 

Roan looks back over his shoulder in an instant. Watching as Lexa throws the coat over her shoulders before she clasps it in front of her body. She can not keep wasting time away from Polis. Because honestly, she never should have left in the first place. They need to get back. _She_ needs to get back. And she needs to get back home, now. 

“ Your body is too weak. “ 

“ Sit down. “ 

The words leave Roan’s lips in more of a demand than anything else. He is not going to let her keep going in this state, Lexa knows it as well as he does. Maybe that is just for the best, because the moment Lexa stands, her head begins to spin. No matter how stubborn her mind is, her body will not let her keep going, and neither will Roan. 

A heavy sigh escapes Lexa’s lips before she places herself down on the cold ground again. Whatever is left in Polis, and whatever is left _of_ it, will still be there by tomorrow. Maybe they can spare just a few minutes for rest and to heal. However at this moment, it does not seem like Lexa has much of a choice. 

Instead, Lexa reaches for the boots near the ground she sits on with the last bit of strength that she’s got. She needs to stay warm in order to not get worse. 

“ I will get the fish, just make sure to watch the fire. “ 

Lexa glances up at Roan as she begins to pull the boots over her feet. She watches as he rises from the fireplace he set up before he reaches for the spear. They need food, _now,_ and Lexa is thankful for the help Roan provides. She is aware of how he is one of Ice Nation’s most skilled warriors, and he is also a great hunter. He is strong, and helpful, and not too terrible from the clan he comes from. 

“ Hey, Roan? “ Lexa speaks low and gentle, almost surprising herself by the words leaving her mouth. Yet, Roan soon turns and Lexa makes sure to suck in a new breath before she hesitates through the next words. 

“ Thank you. “ 

  
  
  
  


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	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy that you seem to enjoy my story, it makes writing it so much more worth it! I am so excited to keep going with this storyline and it would mean SO much if you wanted to share this so others can read it :) 
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

Once Lexa finally stirs awake, her body almost feels even more sore than when she first fell asleep. The sleeping position by the trunk of a large tree is not ideal, and her clothes are covered with dirt from the cold ground she managed to fell asleep on. 

Roan had the luck to be able to catch some fish for them to eat, and after that it did not take long before Lexa’s body gave in and lulled her back to sleep. By the way Lexa’s head had been pulsing with pain, it had been necessary for her to get some rest, yet now every muscle in her body are cramping from the uncomfortable position. 

With a grunt leaving her lips, Lexa pushes her body to a sitting position with the last bit of strength that she can find. Her eyes still feels half-dazed from just waking up and her head still aches, yet that doesn’t stop her from forcing her body to move. 

“ Good, you are awake. “ 

Lexa looks up and finds Roan sitting across her on the other side of the flickering fire in front of her. He kneels by the fireplace with his hands reached out over it to allow some heat to his cold skin. Darkness still covers every corner of the forest, and the fire is the only thing to provide them with some kind of light. 

“ How long was I out for? “ Lexa asks before she straightens her spine and grunts by the way every muscle in her body cramps from the simple movement. 

“ A few hours. “ 

Lexa raises her chin by the time the words reaches her ears. A few hours. She doesn’t have a few hours to spare, she should have been back in Polis a long time ago. She can not waste this time by sleeping and taking things easy. Yet, maybe it had been necessary. Because now the scar under her breasts does not hurt nearly as bad as before, and her body has regained a normal body temperature. She actually feels a bit stronger from the fish she ate and the sleep she got. 

Lexa rises to her feet and forces her body to move closer to the flickering fire before she kneels down close to it. Her eyes are locked on Roan through the flames of the fire and her mind spins with questions to ask. Who is the Commander? What happened at the Conclave? Why are they going back to the Capital? A million questions spins on a loop for her to choose from. Her eyes travel over every feature in Roan’s face before she sucks in a breath and continues. 

“ What are the plans once we reach Polis? “ 

“ Why are we meeting up with the others? “ 

Roan keeps his stare locked on the fireplace before throwing another stick into the flames to keep the fire alive. 

“ You haven't gotten your memory back yet, huh? “

Lexa sighs and removes her gaze from him as well. All of this would be a lot easier if someone could just be upfront with her and tell her what is going on. Lexa doesn’t have time to play games or guess. She _needs_ to know. 

Yet Roan soon sucks in a new breath and it pulls at Lexa’s attention in an instant. 

“ According to the Commander we should be expecting another Praimfaya. “ 

Lexa arches her brows at that and can feel her stomach clench by the words. Her whole throat dries up and the tightness that occurs in her chest almost makes it hard to breathe. They haven’t had a Praimfaya in hundreds of years. The first one hit long before Lexa was born but according to legend it wiped out all of the human kind and all life on Earth. It was the fire that destroyed the world and been the main reason as to why the sky people went to the sky. Lexa remembers how Clarke used to talk about it. When she explained why they came from space. 

“ When? “ Lexa asks, and Roan looks up to keep his gaze locked with hers. 

“ A few months, maybe weeks. “ 

“ Then what are the plans? “ 

Roan sighs before he rises to his feet. 

“ I don’t know, which is why we are told to meet with the Commander. “ 

Lexa looks up at him, with millions of questions spinning in her head. She swallows through the thickness in her throat while trying to take in the new given information. Praimfaya is bigger than anything they have had to face before. According to legend, only people of nightblood are able to survive it. That is how the Commander was born. She rose from the ashes of the fire to guide and lead the other survivors. To bring back the human kind. Lexa has heard stories about it ever since she was a child. It always used to terrify her, yet it had also been kind of interesting and intriguing. She had read books about the fire, about how it all started. Yet she never thought that she would have to face it herself. 

“ We should go. “ 

Roan suddenly pulls her out from her thoughts and brings her back to present. And Lexa watches how he pours water over the fire to kill it. Yet, with the new information, Lexa’s body almost feel too numb to move. At least she has gotten answers to some questions she wanted to ask. It is the Praimfaya. That is why they are going back to Polis. That is why all of the clans are summoned to a meeting. The world is about to end, again. 

  
  
  
  


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Ever since Lexa was a child, she has heard stories about how the world ended. How the radiation and the fire of death wiped out all life on Earth. How the Spirit of the Commander rose from the ashes to bring back the human kind. After that, the Spirit of the Commander has always been sacred among the Grounders. Since then, it has always been important for the flame to pass along through generations of nightbloods to carry the legacy and continue to keep the human population safe and alive. Lexa knows that, she was taught just that at a very young age. Once she was born as a natblida, she knew that she was special. And once she became Commander, she knew that the only purpose of her life had been to lead her people. To provide them safety. She had heard stories about the end of the world for years, ever since she was a child. She has read books written by the supposedly first Commander about all of the important duties of the flame. About how to prepare for a situation just like this. Although, Lexa never thought that she would actually have to face it herself. There had only been one Praimfaya before, and it was hundreds of years ago. No one actually thought that it would come back, and to be honest, a lot of people never believed the legend of it in the first place. 

  
  


“ How is your head? “ 

Lexa turns from where she is riding first only to glance back at Roan just behind. They have been riding long enough to reach their destination in Polis sooner rather than later. 

Yet, Lexa sucks in a breath before she returns her attention to the road ahead. 

“ Better. “ She lets out in a breath. Because it’s true. Her head is not pounding as painful as before, now it is only occupied with the worries of the fire. Lexa tightens her hold of the reins, with dirt lingering under her fingernails. At this point it barely even mattered that she took a bath before she rode off. Her skin is yet again dirty and her clothes covered with it too. 

“ Good. “ 

“ Because I am going to need for you to stay in Polis.“ 

Lexa turns her attention to Roan in an instant. Her eyes roaming every feature in his face with her heart speeding fast. 

“ What? “ She asks, and Roan sighs. 

“ We need to make sure that whatever happens, Azgeda will be safe from Praimfaya.“ 

“ I can not stay long before I need to return home, so I will need someone on the inside. “ 

Roan explains, and Lexa listens carefully. 

“ I trust you, Alicia. “ 

Lexa swallows thickly, with her eyes sharp on Roan. The only reason Roan let her follow is because of the trust he holds for the person he thinks Lexa is. He trusts her enough to send her as a spy on the inside of Polis’ walls. To make sure that whatever the Commander decides, Azgeda will be safe. Lexa understands it though. If the world is about to end, all of the clans are going to want to make sure that they will be safe. It is understandable. Yet, Lexa can’t deny the tightness that occurs in her chest or the nausea that stirs. She never realized that she was sent to Polis on a mission to spare the Ice Nation from the fire. Although, she can not back down now. She has to do this in order to get to the Capital, and in order to stay there. It is time to return home. 

  
  
  
  
  


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Lexa’s heart thrums inside her chest, hard and fast against her ribcage the moment the large building start to hover over the trees. They have been riding through the forest for hours, with cramping muscles and sore body parts. Yet the kind of energy that rises through every part of Lexa’s body by the sight in front of her, is an energy she didn’t even knew existed. Suddenly her fingers shiver around the reins and suddenly her stomach clenches so hard that it almost makes her nauseous. The walls of the Capital appear more and more behind the trees with each step they take closer to the gates, and with each step they take, the harder Lexa’s heart beats. 

The tower reaches for the clouds in the sky, and a fog of smoke appears above it. Returning home has never felt as good, and Lexa almost becomes breathless by the sight. Tears burn behind her eyelids, yet she does not allow them to fall. Everything looks just as usual, just like _home._ Laughter and voices are heard from within once they get closer, and grilled meat is soon smelled in the air above. It is just like she remembers it. Painfully similar, and just like she left it. By the sight of home, it looks just as if Lexa never left at all. Everything is the same. 

They soon come to a stop in front of the large gates of Polis, and Lexa’s whole body feels numb by the vision in front of her. Her heart trudges inside her chest and her eyes burn while she observes the view in front of her. The fact that she actually died, still feels so surreal. The fact that here, inside these walls, _in her own home,_ Lexa was shot. Shot by one of the very few men she trusted, and she died in the arms of the woman she loved. It still doesn’t feel real, _it can’t be._ All of this still feels like a bad dream that she can not wake up from. How is she going to explain all of this to her people, to Clarke? How is she going to tell Titus that she just returned from the dead? She _can’t._ No one is going to believe her. 

Lexa swallows through the drought in her throat by the thought of it. Returning home might not be as simple as she first thought. She can’t just walk through the gates and tell everyone of who she is and how she came back. She can’t just go back to the person she once was. It will not be that simple. 

” Remember our plan. “ Roan suddenly speaks, husky and low, and Lexa slowly turns her gaze to him. Her eyes observes the seriousness in his face while they wait for the guards to open the gates. Right, _their plan._ The plan of Lexa staying in Polis to make sure that everything works as smoothly as possible for the Ice Nation. To be honest, Lexa barely even cares about her reason for staying in Polis. At least she will have the chance to stay. She will have to deal with the rest of it later. 

“ _Heda_! “ 

“ _Azgeda, ste komba raun! “_

Voices shout from within Polis’ walls the moment the guards become aware of the Ice Nation’s presence in Polis. They loudly shout back to inform the Commander of their arrival, and Lexa’s heart speeds by the sound of it. She is curious and anxious about what will greet her behind the large walls. Who is going to walk up to her as the new ascended Commander, and what is left of Polis since her death. It might seem just the same from the outside, but Lexa is anxious about what hides behind the large walls. 

Lexa sucks in a breath and holds it through the tightness in her chest the moment the heavy gates opens to reveal the streets of Polis. Her heart thrums inside her chest as her eyes roam every corner of land in the Capital. So many of her people are visible on the other end. So many people, _children,_ that she recognizes. Lexa almost feels on the verge of crying just by the sight. She feels numb, _frozen._ Her chest clenches and her throat feels too dry to let her breathe, yet she can not let the tears fall. Instead, Lexa raises her chin and swallows thickly before she mimics the movement Roan makes as he gently slides down the side of his horse and lands on the ground with a thud. 

“ Take them, we are in a hurry. “ Roan states deep and raspy before handing the horses to the guards by the gates. He is demanding and clear in his statement, and the guards waste no time in rejecting the king’s orders. 

Lexa recognizes every single one of her guards and all of the people inside the walls of the Capital. They are all her people. She has spent years leading them and years in caring for them. A part of her wants to scream for everyone to know, yet another part of her is secretly hoping that they will notice without the need of words. Can’t they just notice that it is her? That she is back. She knows that it is not going to be that simple, yet she can not deny the unbearable thought of wanting it. It feels weird and even heartbreaking to be back home. To witness what remains of it all. Watching as everyone keeps going with their day just like they always did. 

Lexa follows as Roan begins to lead them further into the streets of Polis. They walk past the sea of people, and Lexa is clearly aware of everyone’s attention on them. They are all watching carefully as the king has now entered the walls of the Capital. All watching anxiously as Ice Nation now has arrived. Lexa can feel her stomach twist and clench almost painfully hard while her eyes glance through the shield of people. The air around her feels too thick to breathe, and her heart beats so fast that she is surprised that it can not be heard. Although, Lexa tries her best to keep her spine strong and her movements graceful while they stroll past the other Grounders. It is time, she thinks. Time to find answers, and time to find help.

However, it does not take long before they stop abruptly just by the entrance of the big building. Of Lexa’s tower, and with a quick glance up, Lexa can see as the large stone-tower hovers above her. Of the tower she once called home, and of the tower where she has spent so much time growing up. This place has been her home for longer than Lexa can remember, and now she can not walk past the doors without a guard stopping them. 

Roan sighs heavily, and the seriousness remains steady in the features of his face. 

“ The Commander is expecting us. “ He explains slightly irritated, yet Lexa’s attention is stuck on the tower hovering above her. She can barely breathe through the tightness in her chest, and the drought in her throat does not allow her much air either. 

However, Lexa pulls herself out from her dazing thoughts the moment she notices the tension only increase in the air around them. She notices Roan’s body tense with irritation when the guard still does not want to let them through. 

“ What do you want me to do? “ 

“ Have an invitation? “ Roan asks mockingly, and Lexa is clearly aware of the hesitation in the guards body. A lot of her people has spent a great amount of time in living in fear for the Ice Nation. A lot of them are scared for the ice clan, and to be honest, Lexa does not blame them. The Ice Nation are well known for being brutal and cold hearted. They live fiercely and tough. Every clan knows it. So it does not come as a surprise to her once the guard hesitates by the king’s orders. 

“ It’s okay. “ 

A voice is soon heard among them, making all three of them turn. 

“ I’m expecting them. “ 

Lexa watches, with her heart going still and with her lungs struggling for breath, as the familiar face becomes clear in sight. In a moment of stillness, does the air feel too thick to breathe and her body too heavy to move. Lexa’s eyes roam every expanse of the familiar face. Noticing the armor around their body and the Commander symbol between their eyebrows. Their hair is smoothly braided and their face clean from warpaint and bruises. Two taller warriors are seen by each side, making the figure in the middle appear even smaller. Yet Lexa recognizes who it is in an instant, and her heart stops by the sight of it. 

_Clarke._

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations 
> 
> Heda - Commander  
> Azgeda, ste komba raun - Ice Nation is here


	6. Chapter 6

“ You’re late. “ 

” We are here, aren’t we? “ 

Lexa watches with her body numb and with her heart still inside her chest, as Clarke huffs slightly by Roan’s raspy response. Yet the view in front of her is too unexpected and overwhelming for Lexa to be able to pay any attention to anything other than Clarke. She has a simple armor around her body, nothing from what Lexa has seen her in before. And the long blonde hair that Lexa was once familiar with, now looks shorter and, _cleaner,_ as it is braided down her back. Her face is clean from warpaint and cuts, yet what startles Lexa the most is the well known symbol between her eyebrows. _The Commander_ symbol. The symbol that Lexa herself has spent years wearing. 

Lexa is not sure what she had expected once she returned home and into the walls of Polis. She suppose that she would have found more words to say, because now, there is nothing for her to do than to keep her stare locked on Clarke. Every muscle in her body feels completely numb by the sight in front of her, by the vision of Clarke.

Suddenly, the air feels too thick to breathe between them that Lexa feels like she might suffocate inside it, and the growing urge of reaching out for Clarke is almost impossible to contain. She wants to be able to, yet with the way the other woman barely looks at her, it is clear that she does not recognize her. Although Lexa does not blame her. How could she? Instead, Lexa sucks in a sharp breath while her eyes remains steady on the familiar woman before her. On the woman that still takes her breath away and still makes her heart beat. She looks almost more beautiful than Lexa remembered. 

“ This way. “ 

Clarke suddenly speaks, and Lexa is pulled out from her dazing thoughts in an instant before they are all guided inside the building. 

  
  
  
  
  


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A feeling of home sweep through every vein in Lexa’s body as they stroll down the halls of the tower. Her eyes are trying to take in as much as possible of her surroundings, of her home, and of everything she left behind. It feels overwhelming and heart wrenching to walk down the halls of the building. To see everything that she left behind in one moment of stillness. It still does not feel real, and it is weird how everything looks just the same. 

Lexa’s heart is racing as Clarke guides them down the hall of the tower and closer to the common room. She knows each corner of this building by heart, it is all carved into her mind. Yet, she draws in a breath and watches as Clarke walks further ahead. 

Seeing Clarke again, is affecting Lexa in a way she did not think it would. To be honest, Lexa was not even sure if Clarke would be left in Polis, and now seeing her here, in Grounder armor, makes her stomach clench and the air sharper to breathe. Nothing about what Lexa first had imagined, could have prepared her for this vision of Clarke. Seeing her in full battle gear, looking almost closer to Lexa’s people than her own as she blends in so perfectly with the rest of them, is almost too hard to even believe. It makes Lexa’s stomach jolt and her lungs to gasp for air. 

Lexa has spent all time since she first woke up among the Ice Nation, in wondering just what had happened to Clarke after her death. How she had dealt with it and just how she had continued after it. Now having her this close to her again, and being able to watch her alongside her, is becoming harder than Lexa thought. Her eyes burn with frustration and tears, and the lump down her throat is barely letting any air pass by. 

“ So.. “ Clarke starts slowly the moment they have all stepped into the room and the doors are closed behind them. 

The common room in where Lexa used to hold all of her meetings with the other ambassadors, now looks painfully empty and silent. Her wooden-throne is still placed steady near the windows, and all of the other chairs for the ambassadors are placed along the sides, just like usual. Still it is something that does not feel right. There is a tension lingering in the air above. A silence of grief and sorrow. It makes her heart pound and her chest to clench almost painfully hard. And Lexa does not enjoy the way it makes her feel unsteady and unease. 

” Where are the others? ” Roan asks, before turning to face Clarke and the two other warriors beside her. And to Lexa’s observation too, no other ambassador for any other clan are anywhere to be seen. 

” They left. ” Clarke speaks clear enough for everyone to hear, and Roan quickly sighs in disbelief. ” What? ” , he says before his brows arches. 

” Like I said, you're late. ” 

Clarke’s voice is calm but clear, and Lexa is completely drawn to the sound of it. She is completely mesmerized by the vision of Clarke. 

“ So you started without us? “ 

“ Another meeting will be held in a few days. “ Clarke says calmly, and Roan huffs before turning his gaze away from the blonde woman. 

Lexa has barely even paid attention to the words that have been spoken. Her eyes are stuck on Clarke with her heart in her throat no matter how hard she forces herself to look away. She can’t. Her hands shiver as she tries to keep her body calm, and her heart aches inside her chest. The overwhelming feeling leaves her mind in daze and body to go numb. It makes her heart race and her lungs to struggle for breath.

“ Come on, Clarke. “ Roan starts again, stroking one hand through his hair while he grows more impatient and irritated by each ongoing moment. “ We need a plan for this. “ , he continues. 

  
  


“ It’s been a year. By now we should already have a real Commander to guide us through this. “ 

“ You are not a Commander from clear blood.“ 

Lexa startles at that, and the words pulls at her attention in an instant. She looks between the two as the tension shoots in the air above. She notices the seriousness lingering in every feature of Roan’s face, and she notices how it is greeted by the sharpness in Clarke’s. She listens intrigued as the conversation continues. Trying to take in each new information and fact. Everything new about what happened after her death. _Why did Clarke take over as the Commander? How is it even possible?_

_“_ Well there are none left, are there? “ Clarke lets out sharply, and Lexa feels the words like a spear through her chest. She swallows through the drought in her throat before taking a new breath, preparing herself for the question to ask. 

“ What about the other nightbloods? “ Lexa asks gently, yet the sound of her voice takes everyone by surprise and they are all quick to turn their gaze to her. Clarke’s eyes on her are heavy, and manage to cut right through the shield of strength that Lexa is trying to hold up. The blue of her eyes cuts right to her soul, and Lexa gasps lightly by the look of it. 

“ You mean the nightbloods that was slaughtered by one of yours? “ Clarke asks harshly and Lexa stills. What does that mean? With her mouth half agape, the words spins in her mind. She shoots a confused stare at Roan and notices the sigh leaving his lips. 

“ I took care of Ontari. “ Roan explains, yet Lexa shivers by the name. _Ontari._ The older nightblood that was with Nia. Had she caused all of this? Had she slaughtered the young nightbloods. Aden? A cloud of sorrow washes through the features in Lexa’s face as the realization hits. Suddenly her jaw drops and her brows twitch by the tightness in her chest before she takes a step back. 

“ And thanks to that, we don’t have her either.“ 

Lexa can barely breathe through the nausea that stirs before she glances back up at Clarke by the words. 

“ Until someone is able to find us a new nightblood, _I am_ taking care of the flame. “ 

Clarke is determined and serious in her statement. It spreads over every feature in her face. It pains Lexa to see Clarke like this. Knowing that she still holds onto the flame so dearly. She had never had the chance to explain to Clarke about the flame, about how it all works. Yet Lexa can tell that Clarke is taking well care of it now. 

However they are right, they will need a nightblood and a Commander to guide them through the fire of death. Lexa is not completely sure what Roan meant while referring to Clarke as not a Commander from clear blood, but Lexa figures that since Clarke is not a nightblood, she is not able to carry the flame and they will have to find someone who can. 

“ All right. “ Roan suddenly breathes, “ But Alicia is staying here until the next meeting. “ 

Lexa can tell that Clarke is looking her way, even from the corner of her eyes, and it makes her heart jolt and chills to shiver down her spine. 

“ Fine. “ She breathes, unmoved and unbothered. 

  
  
  
  


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Heavy steps guides Lexa through the large dark hallway of the tower. Her heart thrums inside her chest and her throat pulses with nervousness with each step she takes. Roan had already taken off to return to the Ice Nation, leaving Lexa alone in Polis with nothing but her lonely self and haunting memories. Clarke had not seemed too excited about her stay in Polis, yet she had agreed to it after all. Although now, Lexa has not seen Clarke since she left the common room. She left by herself and has yet to return. Lexa wanted to follow her, to get a chance to speak to her. Yet she is hesitant on _what_ to say. This is going to take time, and Lexa has to find the right moment to tell Clarke, _if_ she can tell her. For now, Lexa figures that she will let Clarke be by herself and take the time to go through her old home instead. 

Although looking at all the familiar places, awaken a grief inside of her that Lexa didn’t know she was carrying. It twists her stomach in a painful motion and it makes the palms of her hands sweat. Lexa almost feels as if she is suffocating by the thickness in the air around her. It all feels so heavy, like a large gray cloud covers every corner of the Capital and inside the walls of the tower. It is just like death still lingers in the walls. The haunting feelings of sorrow and pain are still here. 

Lexa draws in a sharp breath and stops the moment her eyes catches the attention of the large doors. To the doors that leads to her own old bedroom. The weight of the world falls down onto her shoulders by the sight, and Lexa feels too numb to move. She stays still with her heart in her throat, keeping her watch on the doors in front of her. Being too aware of what hides behind them. Lexa’s eyes begin to burn by the sight and she has to swallow down the thickness that occurs. She exhales in a shudder, and just as she is about to take a step forward, a voice is heard from behind her. “ Hey! “ 

The voice is strong and familiar, and Lexa nearly jumps out of her skin, visibly jolting by the time she becomes aware of the other’s presence. _Clarke._ Her heart jumps inside her chest by the time Lexa’s eyes land back on Clarke. She is making her way over to Lexa with determined steps and with her brows arched. 

“ What are you doing? “ She asks harshly, and with her eyes sharp on Lexa. Yet Lexa can find no words to answer with through the drought in her throat. Instead, she slightly backs away from the doors with shivering legs, and with her burning eyes focused on Clarke. 

A silence filled with tension shoots in the air between them. A tension almost strong enough for Lexa to touch. She is not sure what to do with the way her hands must be visibly shaking or how heavy her chest raises. Instead, she’s standing still and quiet while Clarke’s eyes travel over her. 

“ The Ice Nation was given a tent _outside_ of the tower. “ Clarke starts once Lexa remains silent. 

“ You are not allowed anywhere near here. “ 

Clarke shakes her head lightly, her eyes roaming over every change in Lexa’s face before she continues, “Not unless you are invited. “ 

Lexa sucks in a shuddering breath. Noticing as Clarke’s eyes travel over every feature of her face. Studying the way Lexa’s jaw clenches and her brows twitch. Yet it doesn’t stop Clarke from looking just as serious. It is becoming clear that Clarke is guarding the tower, and especially Lexa’s room, seriously well. It is obvious that she does not trust her just yet, and no matter how much it pains her, Lexa does not blame Clarke for it. How could she trust her just yet? Although, Lexa realizes, that it is probably going to take time to regain Clarke’s trust. It is going to take time to find her way back. And maybe, just maybe, Clarke is not completely over Lexa’s death just yet. 

Still, Lexa tilts her chin down in an understanding nod before she blinks back in response. She tries her best to swallow down the drought in her throat, and her eyes drops from Clarke’s to land on the floor between them before she carefully glances back up.

With her hands clasped behind her back, Lexa stares into the depth of Clarke’s eyes. There is a visible pain lingering on the surface, hiding behind the facade that Clarke is trying to build up. Yet Lexa can notice it. She is hurt. And it is painful to see it. 

She’s watching in silence as Clarke pushes past her to reach the doors, and her eyes remains on the blonde for as long as they can before Clarke walks into the room to close the doors after her, and it is only then that Lexa lets out the heavy breath she didn’t even realize that she was holding. 

If this is how it is going to be, then it is going to take a long time to find her way back to who she used to be. 

  
  
  


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	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> at first I was struggling to find the inspiration to write this chapter, yet now I am glad that I finally did. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, and I really appreciate all of your nice comments! They mean a lot so thank you :)
> 
> I wrote this chapter to the song Only you by Joshua Radin

The sun glows through the fabric of the tents as it starts to set behind the mountains. It spreads a kind of majestic glow to the air over the streets of Polis, and Lexa has always loved the vision of it. It makes her whole body feel more calm, because suddenly does the world not seem like such an awful place. Because in the glow of light, does everything suddenly seem at peace. 

Lexa has been given a tent to sleep in outside the walls of the tower. It is far from what Lexa is used to, yet she figures that for now, she will do what Clarke wishes. She will respect her privacy and her barriers, and she will wait until Clarke is ready. She will take time to regain Clarke’s trust, and for now, she will do what Clarke wishes. 

A sigh of relief releases from Lexa’s chest the moment she unclasps the heavy coat and lets it slide over her shoulders to leave her in a simpler black shirt. Her body still does not feel completely healed. She feels weak and exhausted. Her collarbones and the skin over her chest are sweat-streaked from the heat the fur-armor provided. She has never realized just how warm the Ice Nation’s clothes actually are. Yet she is relieved now that she finally gets to take it off. 

With a heavy grunt, Lexa brings a hand up to swipe at the coal over her eye. It has settled and dried into her skin now, and as Lexa looks down onto her fingers again, she can see the black color of it smeared over her fingertips in a form of ashes. In the timeframe of a couple of hours, has Lexa been through more than she ever could have imagined, and the heaviness in her chest is reminding her of it. _How could she end up like this? Why did she end up like this?_ The thought of it is still overwhelming and hard to believe. Everything on the surface seems just the same, yet in the depth of sorrow is everything changed. 

Lexa walks further into the small tent that she was offered from Clarke, before she reaches for the small bowl filled with cold water. Maybe she can manage to clean herself up some before it is time to get something to eat. With the way her stomach is groaning and growling in a desperate hunger, it is hard to deny the way her body is screaming for something to devour. The fish she had eaten with Roan had only provided her with a small energy boost for the moment, now she will need something more. If she remembers everything correctly, she should be able to find something to get from the food stand further down the street. 

Yet, with a heavy sigh, Lexa reaches for the small cloth of fabric before gently dipping it in the bowl of water. The fabric of it absorbs the water in an instant, and Lexa has to twist the cloth in order to get some of the water out before she gently brushes it down her neck and over the skin on her collarbones. 

The water is cold as it reaches her skin, and Lexa gasps lightly by the touch. A shiver runs through her spine and she has to tug down at her lips the moment a trail of water manage to run down under the fabric of her shirt and between her breasts to settle into the scar in her flesh. It burns with pain the moment the water comes in contact with it, and Lexa is fast to stop the movement of the cloth in her hand. 

It is still confusing to her as to why the scar still hurts. With how old and relatively healed it looks, it should not pain her as much as it does. It should not hurt her at all. Lexa has had worse injuries before. She knows the pain it brings and how it looks when it is healed. Why is this so different? 

Still Lexa places the cloth back on the table in front of her, and with her teeth clenched tightly inside her mouth, she lightly pulls at her own shirt to reveal the skin hiding underneath. Goosebumps covers her skin the moment the cold air embraces the flesh over Lexa’s stomach, and with a gentle touch of her fingers, Lexa brushes lightly over the scar under her breasts. She shudders just slightly by the touch, yet the scar looks just the same as it had done before she left the land of Azgeda. There is no bleeding, no bruising. Only a scar that still looks relatively healed. 

With a heavy sigh leaving her lips, Lexa is soon pulled out from her thoughts. Voices and movements are clearly heard outside of her tent, and with a quick glance to her side, Lexa manage to get a glimpse of the woman walking past outside. Her tent does not provide her much privacy, it is open in the front and allows Lexa a clear view of the outside. 

She’s watching eagerly with her heart in her throat and with her stomach twisting in a nervous motion as Clarke walks past outside of her tent. She has stopped just briefly to speak with one of Lexa’s men, with one of the guards, and Lexa takes the moment to pull down her shirt again before moving closer to the opening of the tent. She wants to talk to Clarke. There is so much that she wants to explain, and so much burden that she wish that she could take from her. It is clear how Clarke is still struggling, and Lexa hates how she might be the reason for it. Yet she is unsure of just how much comfort she can offer. For now, Clarke only sees her as a warrior of the ice clan. And with her guard so high up, it is going to be tough to reach through. In the span of a year, ever since Lexa’s death, Clarke has been able to build a shield for herself, to protect herself and her memories that she still has of Lexa. It is going to be tough to reach through that barrier. 

With her heart trudging against her ribcage, Lexa keeps her stare locked on Clarke. She looks so beautiful. She always has. Her spine is strong, and her body tense. There is a clear facade that she has built to protect herself from her surroundings. She is careful in her actions, yet determined and stubborn. Like she always has been, Lexa thinks. The sight is enough to make Lexa draw in a breath of air. It is enough to tighten the thickness in her chest and only make her shoulders feel heavier. Yet Lexa waits, she waits long enough for the man to leave and just as Clarke is about to walk off again, Lexa’s mind acts before she has time to react. 

“ _Clarke?_ “ 

Clarke visibly sucks in a heavy breath with her back facing Lexa, and all Lexa can do is wait. Wait while her heart is racing, and wait until she starts to regret even calling out for Clarke at all. She does not want to overstep, and she does not want to give Clarke more reasons to dislike her. More than the fact that she now comes from the ice clan. 

Although, Lexa stands still by the opening of her tent. Too numb to move, she watches as Clarke exhales deeply before turning to lock her eyes back at Lexa. There is a tension shooting in the air between them from that one glance, and Lexa has to swallow back the thickness that occurred. Suddenly no air feels enough to give her space to breathe, and her heart beats almost painfully hard inside her chest. Her hands shake as they hang heavily alongside her body, and her eyes roam over every change in Clarke’s face. Noticing the small wrinkles in between Clarke’s eyebrows, and the tightness in her jaw. Still, she is hoping that Clarke will be able to see through the surface of her eyes. To see her soul. To recognize the person trapped inside. 

Yet, with the silence filling the air between them, a realization soon hits for Clarke as she blinks back her thoughts and lightly takes a small step back. 

“ I’m just gonna.. “ Clarke murmurs while looking over her shoulder, and Lexa finds herself following Clarke’s gaze only to land on the forest further away. Lexa is unsure of what she means, but she figures not to ask. She does not want to invade Clarke’s privacy. 

“ Would you like me to join you? “ she asks instead, as gentle and careful as she can. Maybe she can offer Clarke some kind of company, and not let her spend her time alone in the depth of the forest. 

Although Clarke is quick to reject the offer. She is fast to shake her head before sucking in a new breath to her lungs. “ No. “ , she says without hesitation before backing away. 

That is all it takes for the air to suddenly feel thicker to breathe, and Lexa has to swallow down the hard disappointment that arise inside her throat. Her chest clenches almost painfully hard, and Lexa does her best to not let the hurt be seen on her face. Instead she gently tilts her chin down in a simple nod, before returning her eyes back on Clarke. She’s watching in silence as Clarke begins to take a step back, before turning completely to walk away. She is not ready. Not yet, Lexa figures. She will have to give Clarke time. Time to ease up to her and to Lexa’s sudden presence in Polis. It is not going to be easy, Lexa figures. Although, it takes as long as it takes. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


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Lexa is used to people looking at her. She is used to having eyes on her from different angles, watching her every move. It is something that comes with being the Commander, because suddenly you have a role bigger than anything else. It is normal that it draws attention to it, and mostly Lexa has not been minding it. There had been moments in her life as the Commander, in which Lexa had wished that she did not have all attention on her. That she was allowed more privacy and freedom. But for the most parts, the attention she had gotten had been positive. It had been an attention of being someone important, someone her people could rely on, and someone the children looked up to. It was an attention of admiration and safety. Far from the kind of attention that Lexa finds on herself now. 

Suddenly, the eyes on her are hateful and dreadful as Lexa strolls down the streets of Polis in order to reach the food stand. The other clans are watching her from every angle, waiting for her to do something, preparing themselves if she does something. Because right now, all they can see is someone from the Ice Nation. Someone they are almost taught to fear. Someone with brutal murders and tortures on their hands. 

Lexa hates the way it makes her feel so unease, and she wonders if this is just how every warrior of Azgeda blood feels once they step inside the gates of Polis. Lexa does not blame her people for fearing the ice clan, though. Lexa used to fear them too. They have taken too much from Lexa, and made her experience pain more hurtful than anything Lexa has felt before. So it is understandable for her people to fear the Ice clan. Because she does too. 

Yet Lexa tries to ignore the way her heart throbs by the eyes on her. She only needs to get something to eat and then return to her tent. She does not seek any trouble, she only wants something to numb the hunger rising inside her. 

With an hesitation, Lexa walks up to the woman by the food stand. She’s got her hair pulled back in a loose bun and the skin on her face is streaked with sweat from the heat the fire provides. She glances up to Lexa in an instant, and her jaw tightens the moment their eyes lock. There is an uncertainty lingering on the surface of her eyes. An uncertainty that is making the other woman doubtful if she should serve Lexa food or not, and an uncertainty that makes Lexa take a small step back. 

Lexa hates how small she suddenly feels inside the gates of her own home. Inside the gates where she grew up and spent most of her youth. She has never felt so invisible yet dreaded before. And Lexa hates the way it twists her insides in a painful motion. She does her best to not get lost in the feeling of loneliness and pain. She is used to feeling alone. Yet this somehow hits different. 

However, they are both somehow thorough and direct without having to conjure voice. Instead, the other woman places some carved up meat and berries on a wooden-platter before directly handing it over to Lexa. She is thankful for the food she finally receives, and by the growling in her stomach, Lexa can tell that her body is too. It is screaming for food, screaming for energy to help the rest of her body heal. She needs it. Her body needs it. The woman does not owe Lexa the food. She could have chosen not to give it to her. And if she had, Lexa would usually not have any trouble in hunting for her own. Yet now, the sun is falling and the night appears, and Lexa’s body is screaming in pain. She is still weak and tired. She needs a moment to heal and rest, and she is thankful that the woman allows her that. 

With careful and hesitant movements, Lexa gently takes the platter into the palms of her own hands. She shivers slightly by the touch, still weak from the lack of energy and rest. Yet Lexa makes sure to force an uncertain smile to tug at the corners of her lips while her eyes remains on the other woman. 

“ _Thank you._ “ 

  
  
  


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Once Lexa bites down onto the well cooked piece of meat from her wooden-platter, her stomach is growling with thankfulness. She had not even realized just how badly she actually was craving the food until she had gotten it. Because now, the void in her stomach is filled and it is no longer clenching in a painful tightness. Everything seems a little easier as soon as the food reaches her stomach and the darkness starts to appear from the corners of the forest. 

Lexa has always enjoyed life this way. At night, when everything is still and a feeling of calm spreads in the air among them. The world does not seem like such a painful place once the darkness settles in and the silence creeps in. Lexa enjoys only being able to hear the wind as it whispers through the trees of the forest. Or the crickets that hides in the tall grass. She enjoys to sometimes be able to hear the owls whisper from the trees. It calms the racing of her heart, and makes everything seem a little easier. It manage to pull Lexa back to reality after living in a fog of battle and death. It reminds her of how there is so much more out there than just the duty they all carry. Of the duty she used to carry. It reminds her of how Clarke had been right. Life is about more than just surviving. Because in the depth of life, hides something greater than anything they could have imagined. 

Lexa draws in a breath from where she is sitting on the ground outside of her tent, and glances up at the star-covered sky above. At the stars that burns from millions of miles away, and wonders just if they are as beautiful up close as they are from the distance of Earth. Lexa wonders if Clarke was able to see the stars once she lived in the sky. She figures that she must have been able to, and Lexa can’t help but wonder just what it would look like. To see something so beautiful so close. The secret of the stars and the sky above, has always interested Lexa. It always has her mind racing to the most beautiful of places. 

Although it does not take long until Lexa finds her gaze traveling to completely different places. Her eyes land on the tower that hovers above her. On the balcony to her old bedroom that is clear in sight from where Lexa is sitting. The room still looks lit, and the balcony doors still looks open, and Lexa wonders if Clarke has yet returned from her walk to the forest. She can not help but wonder just exactly where Clarke was going or what she had planned. It had seemed secretive and personal though, and Lexa figures that whatever it was, Clarke wanted to take care of it on her own. Clarke is allowed privacy and time for herself, and Lexa will not take that from her. It would not be right, and it would not be fair. 

Yet Lexa’s expression softens the moment her eyes catches the attention of the movement inside the room. She feels as her shoulders sinks and her whole guard drops. A tension that Lexa did not even realize was cramping at every muscle in her body, releases by the sudden vision of Clarke in the room. _She is already back_. She is back in her room high up in the tower, yet low enough for Lexa to see. A black nightgown is covering the length of her body and her arms are crossed in front of her chest as Clarke slowly steps out onto the balcony. 

The wind dances through the strands of Clarke’s blonde hair, and the vision is breathtaking and beautiful. The air shoots with electricity and Lexa feels too numb to move. She’s watching in a painful silence as Clarke has her arms so tightly wrapped around herself. Almost as if she is trying to protect herself from the cold of the forest, or maybe just providing herself with some kind of comfort. Clarke rarely ever need to speak in words for Lexa to understand the language in her body. She can tell from the changes in Clarke’s face when something is affecting her. And by the expression lingering on Clarke’s face now, it is clear that something is. 

An expression of pain and grief clouds over the features in Clarke’s face. She looks tense yet her body weak as she is trying to hold herself up. She is trying to show herself as stronger than her body and her mind allows, and it is painful to witness. She is still grieving the loss, Lexa can tell. Because she recognizes the actions of it. Because she used to be the same while grieving for Costia. 

However in a moment of stillness and with her mind in daze, the green of Lexa’s eyes soon locks with the blue of Clarke’s. The distance is far, yet enough to make Lexa gasp. It is enough to make her feel unease and her jaw to drop. Lexa is unsure of what to do with the way Clarke is looking at her, and by the way Clarke uncomfortably shifts, Lexa can tell that she is too. Instead Lexa remains still and silent, and with her eyes locked on the woman from far away. 

Her heart trudges, hard and fast against her ribcage and her lungs struggle for breath from the growing thickness in the air around her. So many words that Lexa wants to say to Clarke, yet none that feels enough to be able to explain how she feels. To be able to explain what happened. _I am here,_ Lexa thinks. She wants to say it, and she wants Clarke to be aware of it. 

Yet the energy that shoots between them soon seems too strong for Clarke to remain her gaze on Lexa, because in a moment of daze she soon turns and closes the balcony doors after her. That is when it all ends, Lexa thinks, and finally she’s able to regain her ability to breathe. She draws in a heavy breath and quickly blinks away the burning tears that found their way to her eyes. She does not let them fall, nor does she feel the need to. Although the intensity of Clarke’s stare and the feelings that awoke, pulled at an energy stronger for Lexa to resist. 

Being this close to Clarke, still not being able to actually be with her. Is more painful than Lexa first could have imagined. It is painful to not be able to speak to Clarke, or not be given the chance to. And it is painful to see Clarke changed and clearly still so hurt. 

Lexa keeps her gaze on the tower ahead. She will do whatever she can to provide Clarke with as much comfort and support as she can, Lexa figures. She will have to help her _heal,_ and maybe then she will heal herself. 

  
  
  


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	8. Chapter 8

Lexa rapidly jerks awake the moment the loud gunshot echoes through her mind. It sends chills down her spine, and Lexa pushes herself to a sitting position as she finds herself panting heavily for air. The skin over her chest and face are sweat-streaked from the haunting memories in her mind, and Lexa has to blink back the thoughts of horror. _It was only a bad dream,_ she tries to calm herself. Yet something about the dream felt too real to deny. It burns with pain through the scar under her breasts, and Lexa has to hiss away the pain it causes. 

She has had bad dreams before, and Lexa hates the way it makes her gasp for air. She hates waking up in the middle of the night with no calm left to be able to fall back asleep. She has spent more nights than she can count in trying to calm the racing of her heart after experiencing the horror in her mind. It is exhausting and Lexa has never learned to get used to the feeling of it, or learned just how to control it. 

She tugs the furs off her body, and scoots to sit on the edge of the hard bed a moment later. Her elbows rests onto her knees and her head soon falls into the palms of her hands while she tries to regain her breath. She went to bed fully clothed, with the clothes she was given from the Ice Nation. Mostly because she doesn’t have anything else to change into, and also because of the lack of privacy her small tent provides. She can not risk anyone walking inside, or just past the tent, and finding her completely undressed. 

The large opening of the tent barely shields her from the other warriors, or from cold of the night. The wind runs right through the fabric, and Lexa shivers lightly from the chills that runs down her spine. Her back feels sore from the hard bed she slept on and her head is pulsing with pain from the lack of sleep. Yet, at least Clarke gave her a tent for her own, and at least she gave her somewhere to sleep no matter how much Lexa would have preferred her own bed.

Although, Lexa rises from the bed with a sigh leaving her lips. There is no use in going back to sleep now, because she knows that she will not be able to either way. Not until she clears her head, not until she gets rid of the ghosts in her mind. So with a grunt pulling from Lexa’s lips, she walks from the bed and closer to the small table further away. 

Her eyes roam over the things splayed out on the table. A bowl of water and a small piece of fabric is found on it, together with the wooden-platter with berries that Lexa has not yet eaten. The dagger she has had with her since she left the land of _Azgeda_ is also found on the table in front of her, and with the reminder of the ice clan, Lexa draws in a weightening breath. She is reminded of just why Roan wanted her to stay in Polis, and for a second she is reminded of the horrific event that awaits them. 

According to Roan, _or according to Clarke_ , they should be expecting Praimfaya to arrive in only a couple of weeks, maybe months. The timeframe is still uncertain, yet Lexa knows that they will have to act now in order to be able to save the human race. She does not know just how much information that they all already have about the end of the world, or what exactly Clarke has planned. Yet, because of the Spirit of the Commander, the Commanders before Lexa have informed and prepared her for just this. While carrying the flame, Lexa was often showed the images of Praimfaya. Of the radiation. The Commanders before her spoke to her in dreams and images, trying to reach through and help Lexa guide their people through it. 

If Lexa remembers correctly, in the depth of the tower, far down in one of the chambers where they have made sure to keep the belongings from the first Commander, there should be a book written just by her about Praimfaya. About what needs to be done, and where to seek shelter. Lexa has seen it before, she has _read_ it before, and knows that as a Fleimkepa, Titus used to keep it secured down in the chamber. All Lexa needs to do is find it. She needs to find out everything she can in order to save her people, and in order to help Clarke save _their_ people. 

  
  
  


**_________________ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The flames from the fire, glows from the torch in her hand and in the darkness of the hallway, as Lexa strolls down the halls of the tower. She is aware of how Clarke made it clear that she is not to go anywhere inside the building, yet Lexa needs to in order to reach the book from the first Commander. 

Each hidden floor and space of the tower, is carved into the depth of Lexa’s heart. She knows every corner of the building all too well. She _knows_ that the book should be found in the chamber where they have kept generations of belongings from the previous Commanders. It is all there. All guarded by Titus. Or used to be. 

Now, Lexa’s heart thrums inside her chest as she is making her way down. It is still very late, and darkness is well spread in the air around her. Only a few candles every here and there, and the torch in her hand provides her with enough light for her to be able to actually see where she is going. Everyone is still sleeping, and it leaves the tower silent and still. Everyone is still sleeping, _except_ for the few guards that keep watch over the tower. 

Luckily, Lexa knows a shortcut in and was able to avoid the big entrance where the guards keep watch. And she noticed before even stepping into the building that the window to her old bedroom still looked dark, meaning that Clarke must be sleeping still too. Even if she wasn’t, the room in which Clarke is sleeping in is far from the chamber Lexa is trying to reach. So either way, the chance of actually being caught by Clarke would not be high. 

With her heart in her throat, Lexa has finally reached the large doors to the chamber. To the room of the Flamekeeper. Her heart is pulsing in her throat and her hand shivers around the wood of the torch she is holding. It does not feel right to sneak around, and she actually starts to fear being caught. Because Lexa does not know what will happen if someone actually does notice her. 

Yet with an hesitant pull, Lexa opens the door to the room, trying to not draw any unnecessary attention to herself. Although the hall outside of the room looks empty. No signs of movements or life, and after scanning her surroundings Lexa steps inside the room before quietly closing the door after her. 

She is careful and silent in her movements as she places the torch of fire right by the door. It spreads a glowing and flickering light to every corner of the room, and Lexa soon notices everything that hides in the darkness of the night. 

A large table is placed in the middle, with lots of different maps over the forest and of each clan. The walls are covered with shelves filled with books and knowledge, and somewhere in here should Lexa be able to find the book that she is searching for. The book written by the first Commander. The book that every Commander after that has been obligated to read. 

Lexa moves towards the shelves, her fingers brushing lightly over the books as they are covered with dust. She has not spent much time down in this room. Usually only the Flamekeepers spends their time here. It is their duty to protect these things and to care for them. Although, now it looks like it has been awhile since someone did. 

Lexa swallows thickly, trying to breathe through the tightness in her chest while her eyes searches for the familiar book. _It is here, she knows it._

“ The flame is not here. “ A voice is suddenly heard from the other end of the room, and Lexa nearly jumps out of her skin. She immediately backs away from the shelves and glances to the corner of the room. And there, in the darkness that is not lit up by the fire from Lexa’s torch, is Gaia. The daughter that Indra has mentioned but that Lexa has just briefly met before. 

“ If that is what you are looking for. “ Gaia says calmly before putting away the book she was holding. She rises from the chair she was sitting on and places the book steady back on the shelves. 

Lexa had not expected anyone to be down here, especially not Gaia. And it surprises her as to why she actually is finding her here. Yet Lexa draws in a breath and clasps her hands behind her back. 

“ No. “ She whispers. She isn’t looking for the flame. She already knows that Clarke has it, and she has probably not hidden it here but probably rather has it secured in her room. Because Lexa knows, that if Clarke wants to protect it, she would not hide it down here. 

Lexa lets her eyes roam over Gaia. Watching every move she makes before she turns to lock eyes with Lexa. She is wearing dark clothes that almost looks too loose over her body, and her braided hair is pulled over one of her shoulders. Unlike Indra, Gaia was not trained to be a warrior. Some children aren’t. Instead, she has followed and ruled under Titus. Learned the duties of the Flamekeeper to be ready to take over if necessary. Lexa believes that Indra might have been hurt and disappointed by it, and therefore finding strength and motivation in teaching Octavia instead. 

“ Then why are you here? “ Gaia says suddenly, and Lexa is immediately pulled from her thoughts. She sighs heavily and glances up to the shelves beside her. 

“ I am searching for a book. “ She admits. 

“ Why? Ice Nation is not allowed down here. “ 

Lexa turns to face Gaia again. Noticing the arched brows on her forehead and her arms crossed over her chest. “Are you? “ , Lexa asks and Gaia’s guard slowly softens. 

“ Yes. “ She lets out in breath. 

“ I am the new given Flamekeeper. “ 

“ What about Titus? “ Lexa takes a small step forward, keeping her eyes locked on Gaia while the question spins in her mind. 

“ After Titus’ death, there was only me to take over. “ 

Lexa pulls back at that, she raises her chin and her heart drops inside her chest. Titus is dead? When? And how? Titus had been one of the very few people that stood close to Lexa. He had known her since she was a child, and followed her journey as she ascended as Commander. After that, all he had done was to guide her, protect her and support her. Yet in one moment that Lexa had felt as a complete betrayal from the man, he had tried to hurt the one thing and the one person that Lexa cared for the most. She knows that he was trying to protect her, and their people. Although, in that moment, he betrayed Lexa in the worst way possible, and Lexa never would have been able to forgive him if he actually had succeeded with his plan. 

Although is that what has happened now? Did Clarke order his death because he caused Lexa’s? 

  
  
  
  


**______________**

  
  
  
  
  
  


” Do you believe in destiny, Gaia? “ 

Lexa keeps her gaze locked on the flames of the fire, while her mind feels millions of miles away. Although, she can clearly feel Gaia slightly glance her way from where she is sitting beside her inside of the room. 

Her eyes burn onto the skin of Lexa’s cheek with the intensity of her stare, and the response lingers in the front of her mind, yet she remains silent before she exhales deeply. 

“ I believe we are put in this world for a reason.” 

The words makes Lexa turn. She blinks back the daze from her eyes and the thoughts in her mind. The thick air around her makes her feel like she might suffocate at any given moment, and her heart trudges against her ribcage while her eyes meets the darkness in Gaia’s. Yet Lexa remains silent. The stillness in the room makes her thoughts only appear louder. Why did destiny bring her back into this world? What is her purpose this time if it isn’t to lead her people? 

Lexa’s gaze falls to her lap by the heaviness on her eyelids, and she swallows down the lump that began to grow painful and steady in the back of her throat. The bleak expression clouds over the features in her face, yet Lexa can not do anything about the way her jaw clenches and her face hangs. _She died,_ and now she has returned. 

‘’ Why were you looking for the book? ‘’ Gaia asks, and Lexa glances back up. The brows on Gaia’s forehead are arched in a silent question, and her eyes sharp in a wait for the answer. ‘’ Did Roan tell you to do this? ‘’ 

‘’ No. ‘’ Lexa is quick to fill in gently. Her shoulders softens before she straightens her spine.

‘’ _Praimfaya. ‘’_

Is all Lexa says, and Gaia immediately raises her chin. 

‘’ You are looking for Becca’s book. ‘’ 

She says in more of a realization than a question and Lexa nods slowly, noticing how Gaia becomes stiff and serious. A tension shoots in the air between them. 

” Why? “ 

“ What did you plan to do with it? “

Lexa sighs before swallowing down through the thickness in her throat, trying to ease the tightness in her chest. 

“ We need to be ready. “ 

“ And you are going to save us? “ Gaia asks in a huff before rising to her feet. Yet Lexa keeps her gaze locked on the other woman. She is aware of what it must look like. An Ice Nation warrior sneaking around in the Flamekeeper’s chamber and looking for things. It is suspicious and Lexa does not blame Gaia for being careful. 

“ What makes you think that the Commander doesn’t already have a plan? “ 

Lexa soon rises to her feet too with a sigh leaving her lips before she positions herself in front of Gaia. 

“ We will need someone with the flame. “ 

“ The Commander _has_ the flame. “ Gaia explains and Lexa is pulled back. Her brow arches and her chin raises. 

“ What? “ She whispers low and painful. Clarke can’t have the flame. It would have killed her the moment she put it in. 

Yet Gaia soon sucks in a breath, filling her lungs with air before she continues. 

“ I helped her ascend. “ she explains. 

“ She found a way to become a _natblida_ and she took the flame. “ 

  
  
**______________**


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the last two chapters ahead which is why I was able to post this so soon after.
> 
> So we finally get a little bit more clexa in this chapter, and I hope you will enjoy it :)

_I helped her ascend._ The words spins in a loop in Lexa’s mind, carving themselves to the bottom of her core and weighs her down with a weight heavier than the mountains. _I helped her ascend._ It can’t be. _How_ can it be? According to Gaia, Clarke had supposedly found a way to take the flame without it killing her. Lexa is not sure how, and did not even know that it was possible. Yet somehow Clarke had found a way. 

Clarke’s cleverness and intelligence does not surprise Lexa. She has always known that Clarke is smart. It is one thing that Lexa had come to _love_ about her, and that she still does love about her. Clarke is smart, and she always finds a way to figure things out even in the darkest of times. It is a quality that she has. Something _special_ about her. Something that makes Clarke to the great and remarkable leader that she is. 

Yet with the way Gaia is guiding Lexa through the darkness in the hallway, Lexa is aware of how she must have reminded even Gaia of something that they had yet to think about. Because as she is guiding her down the dark hallway, Lexa knows by heart where she is taking her. _To Clarke._

As expected, they soon come to a stop outside of the large doors to Lexa’s old room. Two tall guards keep watch on each side by the doors, and Lexa’s heart thrums inside her chest by the sight. Suddenly her legs shiver and her breath shudders. She knows what is hiding behind those walls and she does not want to wake Clarke. They should let her sleep, Lexa thinks. Although before she has time to even protest, Gaia has already moved passed the guards and knocked on the door. 

The sound echoes between the walls of the empty and dark hallway, and Lexa’s eyes flutter closed by the sound. It rings between her ears, and in this moment, Lexa feels bad for even leaving her tent in the first place. 

She backs away slightly, hands clasped behind her back, and her mind praying that Clarke is not sleeping. No matter how much Lexa does want to see Clarke, in this moment she is almost rather hoping that she will not open. Ever since Lexa got to Polis, Clarke has been on her guard around her. She has clearly set rules and barriers, and Lexa does not want to disrespect Clarke’s wishes. 

However, the door soon opens and Lexa’s heart nearly jolts inside her chest by the sight. Because in the opening of the small crack that Clarke allows, Lexa can see her. Her eyes are glued to the blonde in an instant. She is almost hiding behind the door, only opening it just enough to be able to greet the ones outside.

Clarke’s blonde hair is pulled back in a loose bun in the back of her neck and her body is wrapped in a silky-smooth robe. Her eyes that are colored blue from the water of the ocean still looks half-dazed, and with that, Lexa knows that Clarke just woke up, and Lexa almost hates herself for depriving Clarke of her sleep. They should have waited, she thinks. 

“ Gaia, what are you..-? “ Clarke begins, raspy and low through the drought in her throat before her eyes catch the attention of Lexa in the background. Clarke’s gaze lingers on her, and Lexa nearly gasps by the sight. Her eyes gets lost in the depth of Clarke’s. Aching and craving. 

However, Clarke’s guard slowly sinks before she pulls in a breath. 

“ I thought I made it clear that you are not allowed to go anywhere near here. “ 

The sentence is not a question, but rather a statement that Lexa takes serious and clear. _She knows._ She knows that she should not be here, and she blames herself for being. It is becoming more clear with each ongoing moment with how guarded Clarke has become. How large the shield is that she has built up and just how much she guards the room like a guard dog guards its home. 

Yet Lexa slightly raises her chin before drawing in a light breath. It shudders against her ribs, and Lexa can almost feel as all her insides gets turned completely upside down. She can not deny the way her mind, and her _heart,_ is clearly still aching for Clarke. She wishes, more than the wishes upon a shooting star, that she can just be with Clarke. Support her and offer her some kind of comfort. To let her know that she is in fact, _still here._

“ Clarke. “ Gaia starts, yet Clarke is fast to interrupt.

“ Can’t this wait til’ the morning? “ she asks in a gruff. Her head tilting as she leans against the door. Clarke has now turned her complete attention back on Gaia. Visibly irritated by their sudden visit. It is in the middle of the night after all, and as Lexa figured, they should have waited. 

Although, Gaia is quick to protest. “ No. “, she says. 

“ It can’t wait. “ 

Clarke sighs heavily. She slides through the small crack of the door in order to not have to open it any further. Almost as if she is hiding what is found inside. She slides out of the crack and closes the door quickly after her as soon as she positions herself outside of the room. 

Clarke’s arms are crossed over her chest. Almost as if she is attempting to hide herself from being seen so dressed down, and seen in nothing but the nightgown she slept in. And Lexa has to force herself not to stare. Clarke looks beautiful just like this. In the middle of the night, with sleep covering the features of her face and with her hair in a messy bun. A few strands of hair has fallen from the tie and now hangs alongside Clarke’s cheeks. _She looks beautiful,_ and Lexa’s heart races inside her chest by the vision of her. 

Lexa has known from the day she met her that Clarke was special. Even during their first meeting, Lexa could tell that there was something different about Clarke. She managed to catch the attention of Lexa’s eyes in a way that nothing had for a long time. Not since Costia, has Lexa felt so intrigued and drawn to another person. Clarke was special then, and she is still special now. Maybe people are just bound to meet the right people at the wrong time, and maybe that is just what had happened to them. Because Lexa is angry, and hurt that they did not get more time together. That when life was at its best, did destiny feel the need to take life and _love_ from her. 

“ What’s up? “ Clarke sighs, her shoulders shrugs, and Lexa is immediately pulled out from her daze. 

Clarke bites down onto her lip, her gaze traveling between the other two with her brows arched on top of her forehead. Lexa’s body is almost on fire by the way Clarke is looking at her. Her heart is about to burst completely when Clarke’s gaze lingers a little longer on her every once in awhile. 

” I found her in the flamekeeper’s chamber, looking for this. “ Gaia says before giving Clarke the book. 

It had taken awhile, yet with a lot of help from Gaia, they had managed to find the book from the first Commander on one of the shelves in the room. Just like Lexa had expected. 

Although, Clarke slowly takes the book into the palms of her hands and it does not take long for her gaze to drop down onto it. 

“ What’s this? “ She asks, her eyes returning back to Gaia with her brows highly furrowed. 

“ It is a book written by Becca Pramheda, the first Commander. “ Gaia explains, yet Clarke looks just as confused. 

“ It is a guide for every Commander, to be able to handle Praimfaya and all other obstacles you may face.” 

Clarke slightly raises her chin the moment the realization hits. Her mouth hangs half-agape before she looks down onto the book again. 

“ Okay. “ Clarke continues confused. “ I guess I will have to read it. “ 

She starts scanning through the pages of the book. All handwritten by Becca. However, by the confusion in Clarke’s voice, Lexa starts to fear that she does not know just how important the book actually is. 

“ You will need guidance. “ Lexa breaks the silence in a gentle tone, and it is enough for both Clarke and Gaia to turn their attention to her. Although, Lexa takes the moment to step forward. Her heart trudges against her ribcage and her legs almost visibly shakes with each step she takes. She fears that her voice will come out just as nervous. 

“ Are you able to reach through to the other Commanders yet? “ Lexa asks softly, and the words seem to take Clarke off guard. She is slow to react but once she does, her brow arches and she shrugs away the question. Her gaze falls down onto the book in her hands again and Lexa finds her own eyes following. 

“ Um, yeah. “ 

“ I guess. “ she says, turning the book in her hands to study each side of it. 

Lexa draws in a breath, feeling the question shiver on the tip of her tongue. Craving to be let out. And with a light exhale, Lexa can not hold herself back or restrict herself. 

“ May I offer you my help? “ 

The words make Clarke return her eyes back on Lexa in an instant. The blue of her eyes gets lost in the green of Lexa’s, and Lexa notices how Clarke visibly draws in a heavy breath. She can tell that Clarke is unsure of how to respond to the question, and Lexa is hoping that she did not push too hard for one night. Yet as the silence remains, Clarke soon sucks in a shuddering breath before tilting her chin down in a silent answer. 

“ Okay. “ She agrees before clenching her jaw together, and swallowing down the thickness in her throat. 

“ Tomorrow morning. “ 

A relieved puff of air escapes Lexa’s lips, and her chest almost visibly releases the tension it held. Although as soon as she gets her numb body to move, she mimics Clarke’s movements and tilts her own chin down in a nod before she blinks back in response. 

“ All right. “ Lexa speaks, low enough for it to almost come out in a whisper. 

“ Will I meet you here? “ 

“ No. “, Clarke is fast to reject. Her shoulder shrugs, and she slowly backs away towards her door, preparing herself to go back inside. 

“ At sunrise we meet by the river. “ 

  
  
  


**_______________**

Lexa returned to her tent right after her brief encounter with Clarke. The pulsing of her heart has yet to go back to normal, and it almost hurts in the uneven rhythm it found. 

Lexa didn’t know that it would affect her this much to see Clarke again. Ever since she arrived to Polis, has the growing urge of telling Clarke only become worse. It is almost too hard to keep this from her, yet Lexa knows that she can not tell her. Not yet. She fears that Clarke will take it the wrong way, and she fears that Clarke will only think that she is trying to cause her pain. With how guarded Clarke is of the tower, _of Polis,_ Lexa fears to even bring up the name. So for now, it only leaves Lexa with feeling as if she is screaming into the void. Helplessly and desperately. 

However, sunrise is only a few hours away, and it leaves no time for Lexa to go back to sleep. At least not providing her with enough hours for her to be calm enough to fall asleep. Because now, the only thought that spins in her mind is that Clarke said yes. She said yes in agreement to let Lexa help her, and she will. In only a couple of hours they will meet by the river, and Lexa can not deny the way her heart aches and completely flutters by the thought. Even if she _could_ actually fall asleep now, she wouldn’t want to. 

Although, Lexa realises that she will have to clean up before meeting Clarke. She can almost smell the sweat radiating from herself, and her face is still slightly smeared with the coal over her eye. She almost feels bad for Clarke and that she had to see her like this at all. 

Lexa’s hands slowly dives into the bowl of cold water on the table in her tent, and Lexa shivers slightly once it settles to her skin. She cups her hands under the surface and with careful movements, she brings it closer to her face. She needs to wash off the black coal from her face, and she needs to clean off the sweat from her body. 

Lexa wishes that she would have been allowed some soap for her body or mints for her mouth. Maybe then she would not have been as nervous to meet Clarke. She got the opportunity to bathe in Azgeda and at least then she had the chance to get cleaned up some. However, that was almost two days ago and her body has regained an awful smell, and every part of her body feels like it is covered with dirt. Lexa is not sure if it is all in her head. If she feels more dirty than she actually is, yet she figures that it is foolish to guess. If she is going to meet Clarke, and have a moment alone with her, then she wants to show the best side of her. 

Water trails down the sides of Lexa’s cheeks as the thought sets. Yet she soon reaches for the small fabric on the table beside her before slowly sliding it over her face. 

Lexa is aware of how there are mint plants near the river creek. If she arrives early, then maybe she will have the chance to find some and get cleaned before Clarke arrives. No one is by the river at this time. No one except for the animals of the forest. Yet maybe it is worth it if it gives Lexa the opportunity to take a bathe and get cleaned before meeting Clarke. 

With a glance to her side, Lexa studies the darkness outside of her tent. She has at least two more hours until the sun rises. If she leaves now, she will have time for it. And with that Lexa exhales deeply while reaching for her coat, and before she leaves her tent. 

  
  
  


**_____________**

With a heavy thud, Lexa settles down onto the grass by the river. Like expected, she managed to find several mint plants for her to grind down and use for her breath. Luckily, it had worked and Lexa feels cleaner already. 

Anya used to teach her a lot about where to find supplies and just how to use the gifts that nature has provided them with. There is something useful in everything on Earth if you only know _how_ to use it, that is what Anya used to tell her. 

Lexa was only four once Anya first introduced her to the beauty of the forest. Of where to find the best fish to catch, or where to find the best hiding places from the _pauna_ or the panthers. Lexa is glad that Anya taught her everything there is to know about the forest, because now, Lexa knows every piece of it by heart. 

Lexa’s biological parents died in battle when Lexa was very young. She doesn’t remember much about them. According to Anya and Gustus, they were courageous, _kind_ , and skilled warriors. Just not skilled enough to win the battle of death, Lexa figures.

After her parents death, did Anya and Gustus become the closest to a mother and father figure that Lexa had. They cared for her, taught her everything she needed to know about survival, and they trained her to be the warrior that she ended up being. Lexa never would have made it as far without their help. She needed them, and long after their deaths, she continued to feel like she needed them. She _still_ does. She misses Anya. She misses her advices, and she misses her presence. And she misses Gustus. His protection and the way he always made sure to look out for her. He often took tough decisions for her, or helped her when she had to take them. Lexa misses that. She misses her family. 

Lexa sighs heavily from the thoughts. Her body sinks down onto the grass and her hair drops with water. She had taken a moment of stillness and relief to bathe in the water of the river. To clean her body some before Clarke arrives. Lexa figured that no one is by the river by this time anyway, so she would have a few moments to strip into her undergarment and bathe in the water of the river. It had felt needed, and Lexa feels a lot better about herself now. A lot _cleaner_. 

Although, the cold air had Lexa quickly putting on her clothes again. She would have wished for something else to put on. Her clothes are still dirty and a smell of sweat still slightly lingers in the fabric. Yet Lexa figures that at least she got to bathe. At least she is a little bit more clean than when she arrived. 

“ Right on time I see. “ 

Lexa nearly jumps out of her skin, and almost visibly jolts by the voice coming from behind her. With her heart in her throat she turns from where she is sitting on the grass by the river and finds Clarke walking up to her. She is still as beautiful as when Lexa saw her last. Only this time, her blonde hair is not pulled back in a loose bun, instead now it hangs over her shoulders. And her body is no longer wrapped in a nightgown with a robe over it, instead she is dressed in a dark armor that Lexa first saw her in once she arrived to Polis. 

The Trikru clothings looks good over Clarke’s skin, Lexa thinks. It captures each form and shape of her body perfectly as it is wrapped around it. Lexa almost finds herself gasping for air by the vision of it, although she quickly forces it down and draws in a shuddering breath instead. 

“ I did not want to keep you waiting. “ Lexa says low and gentle, yet Clarke quickly huffs. “Yeah. “ , she says with her brows arched before positioning herself on the grass beside Lexa. 

Lexa is not sure how to read the signals that Clarke lets out, so she remains silent and only keeps her eyes locked on the other girl. Her eyes travels over Clarke, drinking in the sight of her. Noticing the small dot over her upper lip and the tightness in her body. As planned, Clarke has the book with her, yet as Lexa glances down, she notices the holster and the gun placed in it by the side of her hip too. 

The sight is enough to make Lexa draw in a breath. She figures that Clarke has it with her because she can not fully trust Lexa yet, and she needs to keep herself on guard. Or maybe Lexa is only reading too much into it. Clarke is often shown with a gun placed steady by her hip. Or at least she used to be, just rarely in the walls of The Capital. 

“ You brought your gun. “ Lexa lets out in an observation before she has time in stopping herself. The words are enough to draw at Clarke’s attention and she quickly joins Lexa’s gaze on the gun by her hip. Lexa almost regrets letting the words out once she starts noticing how uncomfortable they made Clarke. Suddenly she starts to shift in her position beside her and Lexa is quick to swallow through the thickness in her throat. 

“ Oh, um. “ Clarke murmurs while her hand brushes against the gun. Almost as if she is attempting to hide it from Lexa’s sight. However it is already too late. 

“ Just need to be ready in case you try to jump me and steal the flame. “ Clarke lets out in a failing joke, and Lexa did not find it funny at all. Instead, she slowly glances up to meet Clarke’s eyes. 

She can feel as her own guard softens, yet a tension remains inside her veins. Lexa is not sure how to read the comment but by the way Clarke visibly swallows back the forced joke, neither does she. Still, it pains Lexa that deep down, maybe that is exactly what Clarke thinks of her now. Maybe she had feared to meet her here alone. 

The thought alone clenches around Lexa’s heart and makes the air thicker to breathe from the tension that shoots between them. The softness in her own eyes travels between Clarke’s, and she wants Clarke to be aware of how she never could think about hurting her. 

“ I would never attempt to steal it from you, Clarke. “ She says, gentle and sweet, and Lexa can see how Clarke’s shoulders visibly softens. She licks the dryness off her lips before she removes her gaze from Lexa’s and before she clears her throat. 

“ You asked me if I was able to connect with the previous Commanders. “ Clarke starts suddenly as she changes the subject. 

“ How do I do that? “ she asks before turning her eyes back on Lexa. 

Lexa can tell from the vulnerability in the depth of Clarke’s eyes, that there is something deeper in the question she is asking. But Lexa figures not to ask and instead takes a breath and continues. 

“ Anyone who carries the flame will be able to connect with them. “ Lexa explains slow and calmly. 

“ They will help you understand what is written in the book. “ 

Lexa glances down on the book in Clarke’s lap, and can soon tell that Clarke follows her gaze to land on there too. Yet it doesn’t take long before she sucks in a breath and nods slowly, and the movement is enough to make Lexa glance back up at her. 

She’s watching with her heart racing inside her chest, as Clarke soon lets out a heavy puff of air before reaching for something inside of her jacket. Something hidden close to the pocket by her heart. Yet as Clarke pulls back the palm of her hand and reveals what is hiding inside, Lexa almost trembles by the sight. 

“ So I won’t be able to see them until I put it in, huh?“ Clarke asks carefully, and Lexa’s eyes are stuck on the flame in the palm of her hand. Lexa is not sure if she should feel relieved or not by the vision of the flame in Clarke’s hand. 

She _is_ relieved that Clarke does not have it stuck in the back of her head and glued to the nerves in her mind. Knowing that Clarke is safe from that, actually provides Lexa with some wave of calm. 

Yet as Lexa glances up at Clarke again with burning eyes and with a cloud of confusion spread over the features in her face. She can see the hurt that lingers on the surface in Clarke’s eyes. 

However, Lexa is still not able to find enough words to the questions she wants to have asked. But Clarke must have noticed it, and does not seem to need a rather vocal response back in order to figure out what Lexa wants to ask. Because it doesn’t take long after her eyes have traveled over Lexa before she places the flame inside of her jacket again and exhales deeply. 

“ I know what you must think. “ Clarke starts with a breath, her eyes returning to the view of the river ahead. 

“ But we needed the others to think that they are lead by the flame in order to not create chaos. “ 

“ And I have never actually found the strength to put it in. “ 

Lexa sits still in silence as she is listening to the words. Yet they are painful as they reach her ears. It is clear how much all of this pains Clarke, and how much burden she carries for it. However, in order to survive praimfaya, they _will_ need a real Commander. They will need someone who can lead them, and who can find guidance from the other Commanders. Without that, they are not going to survive the fire. 

“ _Clarke? “_ Lexa breathes instead, and the mention of her name instantly makes Clarke turn. Her brow arches in a silent question while her eyes remains on Lexa’s. 

“ I apologize for entering the tower. “ 

Clarke draws in a visible breath, and the tension that shoots in her body is clearly noticeable as her spine straightens and her jaw clenches. 

Yet it doesn’t take long before she swallows down the hard lump far down her throat and nods in a slow motion. “ Thank you. “ 

**  
  
  
  
**

**______________**


	10. Chapter 10

The sun warms the skin over Lexa’s cheeks as it has now begun to glow through the clouds in the sky. The birds are singing louder the more the morning approaches, and Lexa enjoys the mornings like this. Still, and calm. 

The water flows in the river, and the sunlight manage to reflect a kind of majestic glow over the surface of the water.  _ It is beautiful,  _ Lexa thinks. Nature is beautiful. 

They have been staying by the river creek for what must be a few hours now. Reading through each page of the book back to back, trying to find the answers lingering somewhere in the pages. 

They haven’t said much, but Lexa enjoys the presence this way too. There is a comfortable silence lingering in the air between her and Clarke, yet there is also a tension floating by the surface. No matter how much Lexa wants to say something,  _ anything _ , it is like no words have ever been created to be enough. Instead, all she can do is sit in silence, watching as Clarke roams through the pages in the book. She is focused and dedicated. Lexa can tell by the way her brows are arched and because of how Clarke bites down at the insides of her cheeks. Or maybe just the lack of her words could be enough proof that she now has all of her focus on the book instead. 

Lexa is still not sure as to why Clarke told her about the flame. Why she felt confident and safe enough to do so. Especially considering how she let Lexa know that no one else is aware of it. It was like for a moment Clarke let her guard down. For a moment she had found trust and maybe even comfort in Lexa’s presence. Lexa is not sure why, but it gave her hope that maybe, just  _ maybe,  _ Clarke will be able to see her for something more than just the problematic clan she comes from.  _ Maybe someday.  _

“ This is heavy. “ Clarke sighs while her eyes roam over the information in the book. Lexa is aware of how Clarke is not referring to the material of the book as  _ heavy,  _ but rather that the information it holds are tough and emotional. Painful stories lingers in the pages. Lexa knows that, she has read this book before. 

Lexa figures that the silence she holds is enough of a response to Clarke. She does not need to fill the silence with unnecessary words. Clarke already knows that Lexa agrees. In this moment, there are no need for words. 

“ According to Becca, Praimfaya swept over the  _ whole _ world. “ 

“ But there were survivors. “ 

“  _ Nightbloods. “  _

Clarke speaks before she turns to face Lexa who is sitting right beside. She goes silent for awhile as her eyes travel between Lexa’s. Lingering a little too long into the depth of green, and Lexa feels as her heart thrums inside her chest by the intensity of Clarke’s stare. Yet she doesn’t turn away. She keeps her gaze locked on the other woman as the silence creeps in. 

“ Uhm. “ Clarke suddenly murmurs before she blinks rapidly and turns her attention back on the book. 

Lexa notices the visible breath that Clarke draws in to her lungs, and she almost finds herself doing the same. The air feels thicker around them from the tension of Clarke’s stare. An electric energy shoots between them and Lexa feels as her heart shudders against her ribs. Yet she soon exhales deeply and joins Clarke’s stare at the book in her hands. 

“ Page 63. “ Is all Lexa says, calm yet sure and she notices how Clarke’s brows slightly furrows. “ Okay? “ , she responds before scrolling to the page that Lexa mentioned. 

“  _ The bunker from under, will provide security and home. The bunker from under, will be your shelter from the storm. “  _ Clarke pauses slowly, her mind taking in everything the sentences offer while her eyes reads through the words out loud. 

Lexa watches in silence and waits for the realization to hit Clarke, and once it does, Clarke if fast to turn her gaze back on Lexa. Her eyes are sharp, and her pupils blown wide in her irises as Clarke stares back at her. Waiting in silence for Lexa to explain, although as Lexa remains just as silent, Clarke sighs heavily. 

“ A bunker? “ She asks, and Lexa slowly blinks back in response with the help of a tint with her chin. 

“ Is that why you wanted to get to the book? “ 

“ You were trying to steal it for the Ice clan and then find the bunker so that you will be safe? “

Clarke is harsh and firm in her words, the seriousness lingers on every feature of her face and her jaw tightens almost painfully hard. Lexa figures that there is no point for her in trying to explain to Clarke about her misunderstanding. Instead she licks the dryness off her lips before she lets out a shuddering breath. 

“  _ Five hundred people shall be allowed inside. Five hundred people, all from every kind. “  _

Lexa whispers gently with her eyes locked into Clarke’s. She remembers the words too well. They are carved to her mind now. This has never been about saving one clan, it is about saving the human race. 

  
  
  


**______________**

“ I don’t understand. “ Clarke lets out in a breath while she rereads each sentence, hoping that it will allow her more understanding the next time she reads it. ” Five hundred is not enough. “ 

Lexa can feel as her heart tightens.  _ She knows.  _ She knows that it is not enough. It is barely just enough for one clan. She had the same reaction as Clarke the first time she read it. Being anxious about how to solve the situation if it would come to it. Gustus and Titus had talked about it several times, trying to guide Lexa through it. Lexa had even reached through to the past Commanders for guidance. Yet now she can’t. Because of the red blood running through her veins, Lexa won’t be able to take the flame. The only one who can, is someone with the blood of a  _ natblida _ . 

“ If you didn’t plan to steal the bunker for only the Ice Nation to use, then why did you try to get to the book? “ 

Clarke asks, and tilts her head just slightly to look at Lexa. Her eyes roam between the depth of green, lingering in Lexa’s stare as she becomes drawn to it a second time. Lexa wonders if Clarke is able to see through the surface, she is hoping that she can. There is something familiar with the way Clarke is looking at her, almost as if she is trying to see the secrets hidden behind the surface, and Lexa is more than thankful to welcome her in. Yet she takes a breath and continues softly. 

“ Because you were in need of it. “ 

“ You needed to be familiar with it. “ 

Lexa lets out in almost a whisper, and she watches as Clarke visibly draws in a breath at that. 

“ You were trying to help me? “ Clarke asks, eyes squinted and brows furrowed, and Lexa tilts her chin down in a simple nod.  _ Yes.  _ She was. Because to be able to save everyone, Lexa will have to guide Clarke through this. She will have to provide Clarke with all the guidance she can. 

” Why? ” Clarke asks again, and Lexa feels as a small smile just barely tugs at the corner of her lip. She takes a moment to think about just how to respond to the question. With the millions of things she  _ wants  _ to say to Clarke, it is hard to choose what is more appropriate. 

“ Because you are not alone, Clarke “ Lexa pauses slowly. 

“ You do not need to carry this by yourself. “ 

Clarke’s guard slowly softens as her shoulders begin to sink. She absorbs each word Lexa is telling her. Drawing it in and welcoming it to her heart. Lexa wonders just how badly Clarke may have needed to hear that. She wonders when Clarke last got to hear that this is not all on her. She wishes that someone would have been around to remind her of just that. That  _ Lexa  _ as herself would have been around to remind Clarke of it each day. 

“ Let me help you, Clarke. “ 

“ Let me help you find the bunker, and save our people. “ 

Lexa can tell that Clarke is thinking about it. She can practically see the thought spinning in Clarke’s mind, over and over, it goes on a loop with no end. She can tell that Clarke is hesitant, yet almost close to giving in. Her eyes roam between Lexa’s, lingering in the depth of green just like Lexa has been catching her doing several times since they arrived at the river. She stares soulfully searching between eyes painted green by the forest, and once Lexa remains her eyes locked on Clarke, she can soon see the other woman gently draw in a breath of fresh air to her trembling lungs. 

“ What is it? “ Lexa whispers softly. The words almost shaking as they leave her mouth. She wants to reach out for Clarke, but remains still in her position. Watching as Clarke soon blinks the daze rapidly out from her eyes before pulling away. 

“ Oh, nothing it’s just.. “ Clarke shakes her head lightly and clears her throat. Her eyes soon closing shortly before she heavily opens them again, with her mind far from present. 

“ Your eyes they.. “ 

Clarke takes a shuddering breath, and Lexa is almost able to see the way it trembles through her mouth and against her ribs. 

“ They look like someone I once knew. “ she says gently once she has gathered enough strength and courage to let the words slip through. The words have Lexa’s heart  _ aching.  _ It has her lungs struggling for more air to breathe, because suddenly, it feels like it isn’t enough air on the surface of Earth. The words pulls at a hidden smile at the corners of her lips,  _ painfully so.  _ It feels like she is screaming, into a void where no can hear. She wants to reach out for Clarke, comfort her. Yet she knows that she can’t, all she _ can  _ do, is remain silent in her position on the grass. Vulnerable eyes being drawn to the depth of blue.  _ I am here, Clarke.  _ She wants to say. And the growing urge of letting the words slip through is almost impossible to contain. 

“ Um.. “ Clarke clears her throat a second time, letting a forced and husky laugh painfully slip through the drought in her throat before she pushes herself up from the ground. She brushes some grass off her pants as she stands, and Lexa keeps her gaze locked on the other woman, clearly feeling the tension shoot in the air above. The tension that has Lexa’s chest cramping in pain and her heart to race. 

“ We should go. “ Clarke says, and Lexa understands that their small moment is now over. She will not protest though. She understands that this has been tough for Clarke and she has appreciated each minute they got to spend together this morning. 

“ May I join you back to Polis? “ Lexa asks gently before rising to her own feet. Yet Clarke slowly backs away, and her eyes seems in no want of meeting Lexa’s. Instead they meet the ground between them, and Clarke shifts uncomfortably in her position. She has the book close to her chest with her arms wrapped around it. 

“ Uhm, actually I’ll get back later. “ 

“ I have somewhere I need to be first. “ 

Lexa rises her chin in a slow motion as a response to Clarke’s rejection. Maybe it is best for her to give Clarke some time for her own at the moment, and she won’t fight against it. Instead she soon tilts her chin down in a simple nod, feeling her heart clench almost painfully hard inside her chest. She wishes that she had more time to spend with Clarke. Yet she has to be grateful for the moment that she did get to spend alone with her. She is grateful that Clarke managed to let her guard down just slightly and allow her in just barely. And she is grateful that Clarke trusted her enough to not bring anyone else as a guard for their small meeting by the river. 

So Lexa watches. She watches with her heart racing inside her chest, throbbing against her ribs as Clarke begins to back away further towards the forest behind them. 

“ I’ll see you later. “ Clarke says softly, and just as she is about to turn, Lexa is stopping her before she has time to stop herself. 

“ Clarke? “ 

She calls back after her, watching as Clarke turns to face Lexa again. Her brows arching in an unspoken question, and Lexa takes the moment to draw in a breath. She hadn’t prepared herself for this situation, and now is unsure of how to deal with it. 

Instead the breath shudders against her ribs, and Lexa has to swallow through the thickness in her throat before she can find the strength to continue. 

“ Why did you tell me about the flame? “ 

She’s watching silently as Clarke lets the thought spin, and Lexa can tell that it took Clarke by surprise. Because for a moment, the tension in her body releases and her shoulders visibly sinks. Her mind looks millions of miles away as she stares blank before her. 

“ I don’t know. “ 

She says suddenly. Low and husky through the lump in her throat, but just loud enough for Lexa to hear. After that, they both remain silent for awhile, and Lexa figures that Clarke does not need to have all the answers. She doesn’t either. 

“ But hey, Alicia? “ 

She calls out suddenly, and Lexa looks up to meet her gaze. Clarke tugs at the insides of her cheeks, brows furrowed before she sucks in a breath. 

“ Don’t tell anyone. If people find out.. “ 

Lexa’s guard softens slowly as the tension leaves her body. She almost tries to make it as visible as possible so that Clarke will be able to see it. And she makes sure to let the smile sneak up to cover her lips. 

“ Do not worry, Clarke. “ 

“ You are safe with me. “ 

**  
  
  
________________ **


	11. authors note!

Hellooo! I just wanna say that I am so sorry for not updating. I’ve had some stuff going on and have literally not been able to find any motivation to write. I don’t know how many times I have deleted everything I’ve actually ended up writing 🤦🏽‍♀️ However, I am working on the next chapter and I am hoping to have it out soon! I just wanted to let you guys know, because I haven’t really been feeling well but I’m hoping to get back to it soon! 

  
Have a nice day! 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so SORRY for the long wait. I’ve had a lot going on and I’ve been home sick in a high fever and literally not found any motivation to write. Which is why, this chapter unfortunately is a little bit shorter but some things in it are important for the future chapters. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

The longer Lexa spends sitting,  _ waiting,  _ on the cold ground of the forest, the more she can soon feel the dampness of the grass sneak through the fabric of her clothes. It settles into her skin, and Lexa lightly shivers by the cold feeling of it. The sun glows clear on the middle of the sky above by now, and Lexa can clearly feel it warm the skin onto her face. 

She had decided to wait for Clarke. No matter how long it takes, and no matter how much space she may need, Lexa is willing to give her that. She will give her all time she needs and then be right here  _ waiting  _ when she gets back. Because Clarke needs time, her  _ heart  _ and  _ mind  _ needs time. Because without time, feelings harden into panic. Clarke deserves time,  _ she does. _ And Lexa will be patient and wait.  _ She will. _ She will wait for as long as she needs. She will slow down and wait for the most genuine time for herself to arrive. Clarke deserves that, Lexa believes.

She doesn’t mind the waiting though. Even if Lexa wishes that she could be closer to Clarke, and to tell Clarke about everything that is going on. She also knows that she can not rush this. She can not push Clarke into something, because she  _ knows _ that when the timing is right, Clarke will come to her. When the timing is right, Clarke hopefully will let her in, and Lexa is not going to push it. In the meantime, she plans to simply just be  _ here _ . To offer support and guidance in the best way she can. 

Lexa unclasps the coat from her body. The sun in shining brighter now, and offers more heat than it did earlier in the morning. It warms the skin onto Lexa’s face and Lexa almost has to squint her eyes to not be blinded by the light. 

It must be closer to an hour since Clarke walked off into the forest, and she has yet to return. An hour, that Lexa has spent waiting near the river. She has no idea in where Clarke went, or how long she planned to be gone. All she  _ does  _ know, is that whatever Clarke is doing, she needed to do it on her own.

Lexa slides the coat from her shoulders and places it gently beside her on the ground. Her body is now exposed in a simpler black top and the sunlight warms the skin onto Lexa’s neck and collarbones. It heats her flesh, and Lexa gently closes her eyes as her shoulders starts to relax. 

The forest is rather quiet, yet Lexa is clearly able to hear the water flow in the river near her. Or the birds sing from the trees above in a beautiful melody. Lexa has always enjoyed the forest this way. The stillness of it. The  _ life  _ of it. The captivating feeling to it. 

‘’ Are you still here? ‘’ 

Lexa slowly opens her eyes again by the familiar voice coming from above. She glances up in an instant with her heart trudging against her ribs and it doesn’t take long for her eyes to land back on Clarke. A feeling of relief clouds the features of Lexa’s face as soon as green eyes meet blue. Clarke still looks just as beautiful as she has now made her way out of the trees and closer to the river where Lexa is still waiting. 

With her shoulders visibly sinking, Lexa lets out a breath of relief. ‘’ I was waiting. ‘’ she says gently, and Clarke quickly arches a brow before moving even closer. She can clearly notice Clarke’s eyes on her, traveling over her body, searching and heart-clenching before she exhales deeply. 

‘’ So are you like  _ stalking _ me now? ‘’ Clarke says jokingly, but Lexa feels as her heart tightens by the words. So she remains just as serious, eyes locked deep with Clarke’s. She may be a stranger now, but her eyes will always be familiar.

‘’ No. ‘’ she breathes softly, the words barely coming out above a whisper yet they are enough to make Clarke suck in a sharp breath and remove her gaze. She starts walking past Lexa, with a tension building in the air among them, strong enough for Clarke to want to walk out of it. Strong enough to remove Clarke away from the place.

However, with her heart in her throat, pulsing and aching, Lexa is watching Clarke’s every move. She is walking slowly down the path that leads back to Polis. She walks slow enough for Lexa to have time to catch up. Almost as if she is doing it on purpose, almost as if she is  _ waiting _ for Lexa to follow. And once the realization hits, Lexa waste no time in denying it. She lets out a breath and pushes herself up from the ground, grabbing her coat from the grass as she stands and walks after Clarke. Her legs almost shaking beneath her, yet she keeps on moving.

It is clear how guarded Clarke is. She has been ever since Lexa first arrived to Polis, yet Lexa can not help but wonder if Clarke is only this guarded towards her or if maybe Clarke has become guarded of her heart towards everyone since Lexa’s death. It pains Lexa to even think about it. To think about the hurt and pain that Clarke may have experienced after she died. Yet what is worse is that Lexa is not able to comfort her in the way she wants to. In the way she wishes that she was able to.

Clarke has started walking faster now, she has begun to set her pace to a normal speed once she felt Lexa catch up and follow behind her. They walk in silence down the path of the forest, yet the tension is still clear between them. An electric energy stronger than anything Lexa has felt shoots in the air among them, and Lexa can barely breathe from the way it is almost suffocating her. 

Her eyes travel over Clarke’s back, noticing the tension her body holds with how straight and rigid her spine is. Every move Clarke makes is strong and tense and Lexa silently clears her throat from the drought before she takes a new heavy breath, gathering courage to let the next words slip through.

‘’ I was worried, _Clarke_. ‘’ she says softly, watching for the words to reach Clarke. Noticing how Clarke just barely glances over her shoulder once she _does_ become aware of the words. Although she remains silent for awhile, and Lexa fears that maybe she should have remained silent too. Maybe she should not have pushed that far.

Lexa drops her gaze to the path underneath her feet, with the muscles cramping around her chest before she swallows thickly. Although it does not take long before she clearly hears Clarke draw in a breath. “ Well, as long as you don’t fall in love with me. “ , she says in another attempt of a failing joke. 

However, the words settles to Lexa’s skin, and almost burns into her flesh from the weight they hold. She glances up at Clarke again, yet notices that Clarke almost looks even more tense than before. Although, Lexa can not deny the way the words makes her heart race, or how heavy her breathing has become. 

Lexa knows that Clarke sometimes use humor or sarcasm to hide her real emotions. She often lets her feelings out in failing jokes, or maybe just in jokes that Lexa has yet not learned to understand. But Clarke hides her feelings, deep and buried, Lexa does know that. So she figures not to say more, she does not  _ need _ to say more. Clarke already knows that Lexa is here, and she will continue to be here and wait for as long as she needs. 

  
  
  
  


**_______________**

They return to the gates of Polis a few minutes later after spending the rest of the walk in a complete and tension-filled silence. Lexa had not dared to say more, and by the silence from Clarke, she did not have anything to fill the silence with either. Maybe that had been for the best, Lexa figures. If she doesn’t say anything at all, at least she will not have to worry about saying something wrong. Staying silent if there is not anything necessary to say, is the best Lexa can do. 

Although their silence is soon interrupted, and makes both of them turn. “ Clarke! “ , a voice calls out and Lexa is quick to follow Clarke’s gaze to land on another woman who is fast by their sides. 

Lexa does not fully recognize her. Her hair is long and blonde as it rests down the side of her shoulder. Her body is covered with light colored armors, but Lexa does not believe that she has met her before. Although it almost surprises her that Clarke is so fast to recognize her. She does not look like Skaikru, and Lexa is surprised in how Clarke seems to know this woman so well.

“ Niylah. “ she says, as soon as she becomes aware of the other’s presence.  _ Niylah,  _ Lexa thinks. She lets the name spin in her mind while her eyes observes the woman beside them. Her heart tightens inside her chest and her throat thickens, especially so after Clarke walks forward to greet Niylah in an hesitant and uncertain hug. 

The hug looks almost forced and stiff, and Lexa finds herself backing away just slightly as her gaze drops to the ground underneath her. Clarke has never mentioned Niylah before. Maybe it is someone who she’s met after Lexa’s death. She  _ is  _ glad that Clarke has someone she seems to be able to rely on, yet Lexa can not deny the way her heart aches inside her chest by the sight. By the growing urge of wanting to have the same privilege to be able to hug and comfort Clarke whenever she wishes. 

But she waits. Patiently and still, she waits until Clarke slowly backs away from Niylah. The tension between them is almost strong enough to touch and Lexa slowly glances back up at Clarke. The depth of blue travels between the others, uncertain and hesitant before they land back on Niylah and Clarke is fast to clear her throat.

“ What are you doing here, Niylah? “ Clarke asks gently, and it pulls at a small smile in the corner of Niylah’s lips. Warm and comforting, before she brings a hand up to hold onto Clarke’s upper-arm. 

“ To see how you are doing. “ She pauses, and Lexa looks curiously between the two with her chin slightly lowered. Noticing the changes in Clarke’s body by Niylah’s touch. She doesn’t pull away, but rather lets Niylah rest her hand there and gently smiles back in response. 

Lexa figures that whoever Niylah is, she must be someone close to Clarke by how Clarke so willingly lets her in. She is not as guarded with Niylah, and she seems to have a rather friendly relationship with her. Lexa almost feels as if she is interrupting something, or taking part of something, too personal and private for her to see. However, it does not take long for Clarke to return her gaze to Lexa. With her heart in her throat, Lexa greets her eyes. The smile dropping from Clarke’s lips the moment their gaze meets, and Lexa’s heart immediately begins to race. Clarke looks hesitant all of sudden, but Lexa remains calm and silent.

“ I will see you later? “ Clarke says softly, and Lexa slowly raises her chin before she gently blinks back in response.  _ She will see her later.  _ It takes as long as it takes, Lexa reminds herself. What matters is that Clarke is safe, with someone she is safe  _ with,  _ and with someone she feels comfortable with. That is most important. Clarke’s well being, is what matters most. 

So Lexa watches, numb in her position by the gates, as Clarke guides Niylah further into the streets of Polis. Into the Capital that is now more full of life than when Lexa left early in the morning. Into the Capital that now glows by the light of the sun. She stand still, with her heart still aching for Clarke. _Whenever she is ready._

  
  
  
  


__________________


	13. Chapter 13

During the last couple of years, ever since Lexa first met Clarke really, she has come to learn that time without Clarke feels like living in a void of life. An incredible stillness fills the air around her, and suddenly it feels like no time passes at all. Living without Clarke, is like living in a life of stillness. Empty and longing. Longing for her to return, and longing for yet another moment that Lexa will be able to share with her. 

Lexa has not felt this way about anyone since Costia. She has never wished for anyone like this since, and she has never been missing another’s presence like this since Costia. Costia was her first love. Her first heartbreak. She was the first person to introduce Lexa to the feelings of  _ love.  _ And once she was gone, Lexa didn’t think that she would ever be able to feel the same way again. She didn’t  _ want  _ to feel the same way again. Not until Clarke came along. Clarke turned her world completely upside down, and made her believe in love again. She made her believe in something greater than just survival. Clarke was special then, and she is still special now. She will be special in any version of reality, Lexa thinks.

Lexa stands still inside her own small tent. She is not sure how much time has passed since they returned to Polis. She lost track of time ever since she watched Clarke guide Niylah into the stone-tower of her home. She has tried to keep herself occupied with plans of the fire. Of  _ Praimfaya.  _ She had found a map of the forest inside her tent, and now has spent an endless time in studying it. Trying to keep her thoughts far from Clarke and from the heartache it causes. Although Lexa can not deny the way her mind still travels to the haunting places every once in awhile. Back to Clarke. She tries to ignore it, yet the more she ignores it the stronger the thoughts becomes. 

Lexa sighs heavily and blinks back the wandering thoughts, trying to return her attention to the map on the table in front of her. She knows each part of the forest by heart. All the places she has seen, every part she has visited, it is all carved to her mind and heart by now. This is her forest,  _ her  _ home. She has spent her whole life living it in,  _ exploring  _ it. Yet she can not seem to figure out where the bunker is. Where would Becca have hidden it?  _ The bunker from under.  _ The words repeats in Lexa’s mind. If she had been able to reach through to the past Commanders, it would have been a lot easier. Because then, she would have been given guidance from people that may know more.

During her years as Commander, Lexa had never actually figured out exactly  _ where  _ to find the bunker that is supposed to be their shelter from the storm. She has always known that there is one, but never where to find it. 

Lexa slowly traces her finger over the map. It could be hidden under Polis, yet it would seem too easy to find. Lexa lets her finger travel higher over the map, over to the sea. Although, Becca would not place the bunker so close to the water. It does not feel safe enough. 

A heavy exhale escapes her lips. Lexa  _ needs  _ to figure out where to find the bunker. She  _ needs  _ to help Clarke and she needs to save her people. Isn’t that what her life has always been about? To lead and save her people. 

Clarke once made her believe that life is about more than just surviving, maybe her last life had been. But maybe this is her second chance to save everyone. Maybe she returned to save her people for a final time? To save Clarke. 

  
‘’ _Ice girl! ‘’_

Lexa almost visibly jolts by the words, and nearly jumps out of her skin by the sudden call for her. She turns her gaze from the map in front of her, and greets Indra by the opening of the tent. With her eyes on the familiar woman before her, Lexa’s heart nearly stops inside her chest. She has not seen her since.. , and she never got to say goodbye. Watching Indra now, pains Lexa more than she thought it would. 

She meets Indra’s gaze. Warm and familiar, and Lexa can’t help but to get lost in the darkness of Indra’s eyes. She looks painfully similar as to how Lexa remembered her. Heavy armors over her body, a tattoo marked into the skin on her face. Yet her eyes are sharpened and her brows furrowed. Lexa gets lost in her gaze for a minute. In the feeling of home and safety that Indra’s presence provides. Lexa has always been very close to Indra, especially so after Anya and Gustus’ death. She has felt like home, she has been Lexa’s safety net. Seeing her now, brings back painful memories of everything that Lexa has lost. She wondered what had happened to Indra after her death, so even if it is painful to watch the woman before her. To watch the woman that has been the closest to family that Lexa ended up having, it still makes a cloud of relief wash through her veins. Indra is  _ safe _ and Indra is  _ well _ .

‘’ Has the Commander returned? ‘’ Indra asks suddenly, breaking the silence that occured between them. It takes awhile for Lexa to even acknowledge the words, yet once she does, she is quick to blink the daze from her eyes and tilt her chin down in a slow nod. 

‘’ She went back to her room, I believe. ‘’ Lexa speaks calmly, still feeling overwhelmed by Indra’s presence. Although she stands still,  _ numb,  _ in her tent and watches as Indra raises her chin in response, soon noticing the map in front of Lexa. ‘’ What is that? ‘’ , she asks and Lexa is immediately pulled out from her thoughts. 

With a thick swallow she clears her throat before joining Indra’s gaze on the map in front of her. ‘’ It is a map of the forest. ‘’ Lexa says softly, eyes traveling over the piece of paper on the table. Although, Indra does not seem as calm by Lexa’s words.

‘’ What do you have planned,  _ ice girl _ ? ‘’ she asks sharply, taking a small step forward with brows arched on her forehead. Lexa can feel the words like chills down her spine. Indra is tough, tense, and has never had a positive history with the Ice Nation either. Her hostility towards Lexa right now is expected and normal, Lexa believes. She has  _ seen  _ her act the same way against their enemies before. She was even cold towards Clarke during their first meeting. Indra is strong, and tough, and has always been one of Lexa’s most skilled and trusted warriors. It is qualities that Lexa has always admired about Indra. She has always been loyal, but also very tough.

‘’ I only wish to offer my help. ‘’ 

Lexa swallows thickly, the hard lump clearly noticeable down her throat once Indra remains just as serious. ‘’ Don’t. The _ Commander _ , will handle that. ‘’ 

‘’ If I see you cause any trouble, I will take you to her myself. ‘’ 

With that, Indra is ready to end the conversation and walk out of the tent. Leaving a stinging ache to set between Lexa’s ribs. It is clear that Indra is guarded too, and clearly protective of Polis, and  _ Clarke.  _ Lexa almost wants to smile by the thought, yet she can’t seem to move by the thickness she can feel in her chest. Her heart throbs painful and hard.

Lexa always used to make sure that her warriors and her guards would protect and stay loyal to Clarke. And it slightly eases the pain in her heart by watching and being aware of how  _ everyone  _ seems to have stuck to it. How even Indra is so protective over Clarke. 

‘’ Indra? ‘’ Lexa calls out through the drought in her mouth before she has time to stop herself. The name comes out low and husky, and Lexa almost hates herself for how weak it must have sounded. She wants to appear strong, but it is all so overwhelming. 

Instead she watches as Indra turns back. Heart pulsing against her ribs and palms sweating as they hang alongside her body. But Lexa is quick to gather courage from the sharpness and strength in Indra’s gaze.

‘’ Before we returned.. ‘’ Lexa pauses slowly, letting more saliva into her mouth to allow her to form stronger and more words. ‘’ Clarke told me that she had somewhere she needed to be first. ‘’

‘’ Do you know where she went? ‘’

Lexa waits for what feels like an eternity for the words to reach Indra. She is not sure if she should have asked. But the worry she feels for Clarke is almost too strong for Lexa to contain. She  _ needs  _ to know. 

However, Indra remains still in her position by the opening of the tent. Eyes digging into the gaze of Lexa before she takes a new breath. 

‘’ No. ‘’ Indra starts slowly. ‘’ And it is inappropriate of you to ask me that. ‘’ 

‘’ We do not ask about the Commander’s privacy. ‘’ 

Lexa lowers her chin slightly by the words. Feeling bad for even have asked in the first place. The last thing she wants is to cause Clarke pain or to invade her privacy. Her privacy is her own, and hers only. Lexa should have known better than that. 

‘’ She disappears each day, but she always returns. ‘’ Indra suddenly starts again, and Lexa is quick to glance up by the words.

‘’ Disappears? ‘’ She asks confused, brows arched and eyes squinted while she lets the words settle to her mind. 

‘’ Yes. No one knows to where or why, but no questions asked. ‘’ 

‘’ She has changed since the Commander died, and we do not ask about it. ‘’ 

Lexa raises her chin at that. Her heart burns with a stinging ache inside her chest, and her head almost throbs with pain. A cloud of sorrow washes through the features of her face and Lexa has to blink away the heat from her eyes. It pains her to know that Clarke has changed. That Lexa put her through something hurtful and something that may have left scars in her heart. Yet it also worries Lexa that no one seems to know more. That no one has tried to figure out exactly what is going on. Where Clarke is going, and just what she is doing. Is she in need of help? Comfort? And is Niylah maybe providing her with that? Lexa doesn’t know, yet somehow each thought appears worse than the last. She  _ needs  _ to find out more. 

  
  
  
  


**__________________**

Lexa spends the rest of the day with a million questions circling her mind. Thoughts and wonders about Clarke keeps her mind occupied with worry. No matter what she does, she is not able to silence Indra’s voice in her mind. The voice telling her that Clarke has not been the same since her death. The guilt that washes through her veins, making Lexa believe that this is all her fault. She  _ died,  _ and she left Clarke behind. She left Clarke alone and in pain. 

Lexa’s heart aches at the thought, and she almost has to swallow down the nausea it stirs.  _ She left,  _ and now there is nothing that she can do to take it back. What  _ happened  _ to Clarke after her death? How has she dealt with the sorrow and pain? Lexa had caught Clarke sneaking away her first day back in Polis. She had seemed as secretive then as she did by the river when Lexa asked her if she could follow. She had been quick to reject the offer, and now Lexa is wondering why. What is she hiding, and why does she not want anyone to know?

Lexa glances up at the tower that hovers above from where she is sitting on the ground outside of her own tent. She finds her own eyes landing on the balcony to her old bedroom every once in awhile. Searching for movements of Clarke or maybe even Niylah. The balcony is just slightly open, yet the room remains still and silent. 

‘’ I see you have returned. ‘’ 

Lexa glances to her side at the words, saved from the ghosts in her mind. She blinks away the daze from her eyes before she returns her focus to Gaia, watching as she walks closer to her side. 

Gaia must have noticed Lexa’s stare at the tower, because it does not take long for her eyes to glance up towards the room before she quickly looks back down on Lexa with a light sigh. 

‘’ How did the lesson go? ‘’ She asks curiously, with a slight taste of tease lingering on the surface of the words. 

‘’ All right. ‘’ 

‘’ I am surprised she even agreed to it. ‘’ 

A small, painful smile forces itself onto Lexa’s lips while her eyes remains locked on Gaia. It almost surprised Lexa as well that Clarke had so easily agreed to the help. And it still surprises Lexa how relaxed Clarke had seemed during their small moment by the river. How she had slightly let her in and told her about the flame. About her  _ eyes,  _ that Lexa caught her get lost in several times. Of the eyes that looks similar to her own, and that Clarke herself became aware of. 

Lexa can hear the words spin in her mind,  _ they look like someone I once knew,  _ Clarke had told her, and Lexa immediately knew that she was talking about herself. The simple words, had been enough to give Lexa hope that  _ maybe someday _ Clarke will see her for who she is, and maybe then Lexa will be able to tell her. 

‘’ Gaia? ‘’ Lexa clears her throat, and brings herself back to present. There is no point in getting lost in the emotional moments now. She needs to keep looking forward, and not back to what’s been. 

‘’ Are you familiar with Niylah? ‘’ Lexa asks lightly, feeling the words burn through her throat, almost dreading the answer she will get in return. But Gaia sighs slowly and looks back up at the tower.

‘’ She helps the Commander every once in awhile. ‘’ 

‘’ Why? ‘’ She asks, and Lexa slowly shrugs her shoulders. Being too aware of how her own gaze drops from the tower to land on her own lap. 

‘’ Someone special? ‘’ Lexa swallows down the words, barely letting them out higher than above a small whisper. A part of her doesn’t  _ want  _ to know. A part of her doesn’t feel like she has the  _ right  _ to know. But she  _ needs to _ , and Lexa can clearly feel the nausea that stirs or how her eyes has begun to burn by the emotions,  _ feelings,  _ in her heart. 

‘’ Not that I recall. ‘’ Gaia responds then, and Lexa slowly glances up to observe the features over Gaia’s face, or the answers lingering on the surface. 

‘’ There has not been anyone special since Lexa. ‘’ 

Lexa feels the words like a punch to her gut, and she is aware of how they make her insides turn and twist painfully hard. She wants to swallow down the hard lump that has settled down the back of her throat, but the lack of saliva does not allow her. Instead, Lexa sits still on the cold ground with her mouth half agape to let her breathe easier. She feels too numb to even move a muscle, and listens carefully to every word Gaia lets out.

‘’ Lexa’s death changed her. ‘’ 

‘’ It changed us all. ‘’ 

Gaia looks back down on Lexa. The tension of her stare only makes Lexa’s heart beat harder. Her eyes travel between the darkness in Gaia’s, before she draws in a new breath. 

‘’  _ Gaia?  _ ‘’ she whispers through the thickness in her throat. Her heart clenches and twists before Lexa exhales deeply.

‘’ I need to tell you something. ‘’ she says in a breath before the silence creeps in.

  
  
  
  


_______________


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First off, I just want a moment to clarify something from the previous chapters. I got some mixed comments and feelings about the last one I posted, and some of you are upset at me for adding Niylah to the mix. So I want to take this moment to let you guys know that Niylah is NOT going to be a problem. There is nothing going on between her and Clarke. I thought I made that clear in the last chapter but because of some comments I still want to clarify. 
> 
> Niylah is only a friend to Clarke, someone she can talk to and rely on. You will find out more about that in the upcoming chapters so I hope you want to continue to read this story because now we are starting to get more into it, with Gaia knowing who she is and with Lexa trying to get closer to Clarke again. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!

They have walked to the chamber of the Flamekeeper now. Locking the doors behind them to provide them more privacy to speak. Lexa needs that for what she has to let out next. She need privacy and calmness for what she has to let Gaia be known of. 

With the words lingering on the tip of her tongue, throbbing in the front of her mind and screaming to be let out, Lexa can almost feel the tightness in her gut. She does not know what to say, or just  _ how  _ to say it. And the anxious feeling only builds inside her veins the more moments that pass by. But she  _ needs  _ someone to know. And with the experience and knowledge Gaia has as the flamekeeper, she is the only one Lexa can tell. She is the  _ only  _ one who can help. 

Lexa walks further into the room, clearly feeling Gaia behind her before she draws in a breath that shudders against her ribs and shivers down her spine. 

” I need to tell you something. “ She starts in a whisper.

“ And I need you to listen to me. “

Lexa exhales heavily, she turns in her step and watches as Gaia hesitantly tilts her chin down in an uncertain yet understanding nod. The fear and worry in Gaia’s eyes does not go unnoticed. It is clearly noticeable on the surface of her eyes and by how tense her brows are. Yet the sight only makes Lexa’s heart race faster in a nervous motion. It trudges against her ribs, fast and painful and Lexa can barely breathe through the thick air that is suffocating her. 

“ I am telling you, because you are the only one who can understand. “ 

Gaia’s brows just slightly furrows before her head tilts. Her eyes are extremely focused on Lexa, taking in every word carefully and clear. 

“ Okay? “ , she speaks low and hesitant while she studies every clear change of the features in Lexa’s face. 

But Lexa sucks in a heavy breath to her pounding lungs. Feeling the anxiety only grow stronger and make her more nauseous. She tries to prepare herself the best she can for what to do next. Yet her fingers only trembles and her body must be visibly shaking by now. 

So with trembling fingers and shuddering breaths, Lexa gets a light hold of the fabric of her shirt. Slowly pulling it up to reveal the skin over her stomach that was hiding underneath. Slowly pulling it up with her heart racing inside her chest, until the scar becomes noticeable on her flesh, and that is when Lexa stops. 

With burning eyes she keeps her eyes on the scar. It has not been hurting anymore. Not like it did back in the camp of Azgeda. To be honest, Lexa has barely paid any extra attention to it. Although in one moment of stillness, it all came back to her. 

“ I have not been wanting to admit it or even let my mind wander to those places.. “ Lexa begins in a shaking breath. Her eyes remains on the scar while her finger gently brushes over it. 

“ Although, I am almost positive that I received this scar on the day that I died. “ 

Lexa looks up slowly, greeting Gaia’s gaze as her eyes looks up from have studying Lexa’s scar too. Gaia gasps lightly, brows arched and eyes sharpened while she stares between Lexa’s eyes and back to her scar. 

“  _ What? _ “ She mouths in a breath, yet with no sound coming out before she tilts her head just slightly. The disbelief and confusion is clear on Gaia’s face, but Lexa had not expected anything else. Instead, she tilts her chin down in a small nod, eyes getting bigger, burning with tears and hope. 

“ Supposedly, I died over a year ago. Yet my Spirit managed to return without the flame. “

Lexa explains slowly, watching as Gaia draws in the words. Lexa can still not tell if she really believes her, but by the expression on her face. Lexa would like to think that she does. Although, Gaia soon steps forward. In an hesitant motion she slowly brings a finger up to lightly trace the scar over Lexa’s flesh. The touch chills down Lexa’s spine and she slowly closes her eyes as her heart screams inside her chest. 

It is all so overwhelming, so surreal. The emotions and feelings twists inside her and Lexa has to fight the burning in her eyes. “ How is it possible? “ Gaia whispers then, and Lexa slowly opens her eyes again. Their gaze locks in a second, and Lexa almost wants to cry from the intensity and comfort from Gaia’s stare alone. 

“ I do not know what to do. “ Lexa whispers slowly, eyes locked with Gaia, noticing the panic in her eyes too. Lexa can not stop the tears from falling down her cheeks now. She lets them, with no strength left to stop them. She doesn’t fight them, nor does she try to. One after the other she lets them run down her cheeks. With a weight heavier than the mountains, completely letting go of her shoulders the moment Lexa let it all out into words. She  _ said _ it, it is all out there now. It is all said and done. 

  
  


**_________________**

  
  


“ I have read about this. Reincarnation. “ Gaia speaks clearly while her hands travel through the books on the shelves, searching for the one she has in mind. Only, Lexa watches in stillness and in silence. 

As soon as she had let the thoughts and feelings out into words, it had felt like a weight heavier than she was able to carry had let go of her chest and shoulders. Suddenly everything felt a little lighter, and Lexa is almost surprised by how supportive and  _ understanding  _ Gaia has been ever since Lexa told her her own truth. Her truth about  _ who  _ she is. 

“ Found it! “ 

Lexa nearly visibly jolts from where she stands the moment Gaia finds the book she had been searching for. The book about reincarnation. Lexa knows what it all means. She remembers how Clarke used to describe the Spirit of the Commander as reincarnation. Lexa had believed that in some way she had been right, but this is far from what Lexa first had imagined. She never believed that her own soul would travel on onto the next life. It never seemed believable or possible. 

But Lexa stands still, heart throbbing inside her chest she’s watching as Gaia moves closer with a large book in the palms of her hands. The old book is filled with dust that Gaia quickly blows away. 

“ All right. “ She mumbles under her breath before she starts scrolling through the pages of the book. 

“ Reincarnation..“ she whispers, and Lexa listens carefully, her eyes are locked on the book in Gaia’s hands with her heart racing inside her chest. 

“ .. is the philosophical or religious concept that the non-physical essence of a living being starts a new life in a different physical form or body after biological death. It is also called rebirth or transmigration. “ 

Gaia continues slowly, eyes scanning each word carefully and Lexa listens intrigued. It still does not feel real. It  _ can’t be. How  _ is it real? And why Lexa, and why now? 

“  _ Gaia. “  _ Lexa breathes, but Gaia is fast to interrupt.

“ I have never seen anything like it, but according to some beliefs it is not impossible for the soul to wander. “ 

Gaia looks back up from the book, and Lexa is fast to greet her eyes. There is an incredible feeling of hope lingering on the surface of Gaia’s eyes. Yet, Lexa only feels relieved that Gaia took her words so lightly. 

“ You believe me? “ Lexa asks slowly. Eyes traveling between the depth of brown. 

“ Yes. “ 

Gaia is clear and firm in her response. There is no hesitation to her answer and it only eases the tightness in Lexa’s chest. Watching Gaia being so sure, only makes Lexa feel more calm. So Lexa breathes heavily. A painful smile pulling lightly in the corner of her lip. Painful but sweet.

Although, with a heavy sigh, Gaia soon closes the book before moving closer to Lexa. 

“ Remember when you asked me about destiny? “ she asks, and Lexa nods. 

“ Well, I believe destiny has a way of finding us.  “

Lexa tries to listen carefully to the words. Her soul trapped behind the green of her eyes are drawn to Gaia and her comforting and understanding words. Lexa never imagined that it would feel this good to actually let someone in on the truth about herself. To let someone in on the heaviness she is carrying. Of the burdens and the hurt. But it  _ does  _ feel good, and Lexa is glad that she actually found the courage to let the words out. 

“ Maybe you were brought back to save us all. “ 

“ To save  _ Clarke  _ one last time. “ 

Lexa smiles softly. She can not stop the hidden smile that lingers in the corners of her lips. She lowers her chin, and her gaze drops to the floor underneath them with her heart racing inside her chest. Maybe it is true. Maybe Lexa was given the chance to return to be able to save her people, and save  _ Clarke  _ from the end of the world. To save them from the storm and from Praimfaya. Why else would she have been brought back? And why now? 

Lexa wants to believe each word Gaia tells her, so she soon raises her chin, and her eyes land back on the woman before her. 

“ Then you will help me? “ she asks gently, and this time it is Gaia who nods. Convincing and clear. 

“ Yes. “ She speaks, and Lexa exhales in a breath of relief and in a breath of hope. 

However, the hope in Gaia’s eyes is soon replaced by a tension and a panic. Suddenly her eyes sharpens and her shoulders sinks, and Lexa is clearly aware of the changes in her body. 

“ What is it? “ Lexa asks confused, eyes traveling over the features in Gaia’s face. She is too aware of how the sudden change of tension in the room, makes Lexa’s own heart jolt in panic. 

“ Have you spoken to Clarke? “ 

Gaia asks then, and in one moment everything goes completely still. In one moment, everything comes back heavy, and Lexa is yet again reminded of the heartache for Clarke. 

She lightly shakes her head, painful and slow before she lowers her chin and her gaze drops. 

“ I can not tell her. “ she says in a whispering breath. 

“ Not yet. “ 

“  _ Lexa. “  _

_ “  _ I  _ can’t _ . “ 

Lexa slowly glances back up. Noticing how Gaia takes a small step back before her shoulders visibly sinks and she lets out a breath. Lexa knows how painful it is. She  _ wants  _ to tell Clarke. But she can not yet. It has to be done right. She can not overwhelm Clarke with it yet. It will only cause Clarke pain and confusion which is not what she needs. Instead, Lexa will have to give Clarke time to ease up to her and maybe then, once things are easier and more calm, she will be able to tell her the truth. 

“ It will be too overwhelming. “ 

Lexa whispers, yet Gaia only arches a brow, and Lexa is quick to continue. “ Once the timing is right, I  _ swear _ to speak to her. “ 

Gaia nods then, painful but understanding. With eyes digging deeper into Lexa’s stare before Gaia tugs at her lips and lets out a heavy exhale. 

“ She has been writing you letters. “ 

Lexa raises her chin and swallows back at that. A brow arches in confusion and hurt before Gaia takes the moment to continue. 

“ She does not think that anyone knows, but I accidentally found them. “ 

Lexa can feel as her jaw tightens, painfully so. It tightens with worry to the point that her muscles aches in her face. What does that mean? Lexa wonders. 

Her eyes travels stressfully between Gaia’s, trying to find the answers hiding on the surface while her heart speeds up in pace. It pulses against her ribs now, hard and painful but Lexa does not care. Suddenly it feels like the world is not providing her with enough air to breathe. It is all too thick, and the lack of oxygen almost has Lexa gasping for fresh air to breathe. 

“ She keeps them locked in her room now, one for each day you have been gone. “ 

Gaia stops for a moment once she notices the hurt on Lexa’s face. Once she notices the worry that Lexa feels for Clarke cloud every feature of her face. She stops, uncertain if she should continue or not. Yet once Lexa remains just as silent,  _ just as numb,  _ Gaia takes the opportunity to let the next words out. 

“ She has been writing to you every day since you left us. “ 

“ Since you left  _ her _ . “ 

Gaia stares between Lexa’s eyes, and Lexa has to swallow down the thickness in her throat. 

“ She never let you go, Lexa. “ 

Lexa gasps lightly, she is not sure if Gaia was able to hear the breath of air she let go of, but either way, Lexa does not care.  _ She never let her go.  _ Lexa repeats the words in her mind. Thinking about every letter that Clarke supposedly has written since Lexa’s death. What has she been writing? Has it been some kind of way for Clarke to cope with the pain? To give her closure? Lexa does not know. But she  _ needs  _ to see her.  _ Now.  _

“ Should I go see her? “ Lexa whispers, eyes glancing up to meet Gaia’s who slowly nods. A smile pulls carefully at the corner of Gaia’s lips before she speaks. “  _ Go _ . “ , she says. 

  
  
  
  


**__________________**

  
  


Lexa continues to walk down the now dark and empty hallway. The sun has barely set and it only leaves the tower silent and dark. But Lexa doesn’t care. She lets her feet carry her down the hallway of her tower, closer to the bedroom she is familiar with. She  _ needs  _ to speak to Clarke. She  _ has  _ to. 

Yet every move Lexa makes, echoes through the walls of the tower almost alarmingly loud. She can not draw any unnecessary attention to herself. She is aware of how Clarke has forbidden her to be seen in the tower. Especially close to the room that she guards. Lexa wonders why she guards it so dearly. Maybe it is the letters she is trying to keep hidden. Lexa does not know, but figures that it is a possibility. According to Gaia, it had seemed like Clarke is taking well care of them, not allowing anyone even close to them. Lexa wonders why, and she can not help but wonder what is written in the pages of the letters. 

With her heart trudging against her ribcage, Lexa lets her feet carry her over the floor. She only gets more nervous the closer to the doors that she gets. What is she supposed to say to Clarke once she sees her? How is she supposed to explain why she acted against her orders and stepped foot in the tower? Lexa is not sure, she had not thought that far ahead yet. But the growing need and want of seeing Clarke, is too strong for her to contain. She can’t hold back, and she can not stop her feet from bringing her closer to her love.

Her hands are almost visibly shaking while she keeps them clasped together behind her back. Her gut twists and turns painfully so, and Lexa has to swallow down the nausea it stirs. 

The dark hallway is still and silent once daytime begins to turn to night. An incredible stillness fills the air, making Lexa almost able to hear her own loud beating of her heart. She only hopes that she will be able to keep it together stronger in front of Clarke, and not fall apart the moment she sees her. With how easy it had been to tell Gaia, Lexa can not stop thinking about the moment when she will have to let Clarke know. It will not be tonight, but Lexa hopes that it will be soon. 

Lexa stops the moment she notices the doors further ahead. She had not even realized that she was already so close, and now finds herself with her heart in her throat, watching the doors before her. They are heavily closed, yet a small light shines through the small crack underneath. 

She gathers courage, drawing in a breath of thick air to her pounding lungs as she becomes completely numb in her step.  _ This is it,  _ Lexa figures. She is too aware of what hides behind the other side of the door, and now she is only hoping that Niylah is not to be seen in there too. 

To Lexa’s surprise, and relief, no guards are anywhere near the doors to Lexa’s old bedroom. The hall outside is completely still and silent, and luckily there is not anyone near the room. Yet by the lack of the guards presence, it gives Lexa no excuse to  _ not  _ walk up to the doors. Now there is nothing to stop her except herself and her own fears. This is it. 

Lexa licks the dryness off her lips before stepping even closer. With a trembling hand she brings it up to slowly, and carefully, knock on the wooden door. However, the movements and voices from within is fast to stop her, and Lexa is quick to restrain her hand. 

“ I can’t do it, Niylah. “ 

Clarke’s voice is too familiar to go unnoticed. It murmurs through the door that is separating her from Lexa’s sight. Yet there is also a tone of grief and sorrow in Clarke’s voice. Her words are weak and shaky. 

“ Yes, you can. “ 

“ I  _ can’t _ . “ Clarke drags out the words, tears burning in the back of her throat which results in the words only coming out weaker. Lexa feels completely numb in her step from where she is listening to Clarke’s words. They tighten the muscles around Lexa’s chest, and a tension of grief fills the air surrounding her. 

“ I don’t know what to do. “ 

“ You will figure it out. “ 

“ I need her,  _ here _ . “ 

“ I know. “ 

Clarke sobs by now, painful in outcries, Lexa can hear it all too well and it burns behind her own eyelids. She is too aware of what and  _ who  _ Clarke is referring to, and it pains Lexa to hear Clarke like this. 

“ What did I do. “ She murmurs in between breaths of tears. Almost choking out the words by now. A cloud of guilt carries the sentences leaving Clarke’s mouth, and Lexa almost feels in blur by the pain. She would do so much for the possibility of being able to comfort Clarke, to not let her go through this. She does not want Clarke to feel blame or guilt for what happened. Lexa is rather revealed that she became the target of Titus’ bullet and not Clarke who he first aimed at. What happened in that moment,  _ is not _ a blame that Clarke should have to carry. It is too hurtful and heavy for even the strongest warrior. 

Lexa takes a small step back. With shaking legs and shuddering breaths she silently backs away from the door. Now is not the time, she thinks. It is not the time for her to barge in and ask for Clarke’s time or attention. Clarke needs a moment and time to heal. She needs to be with someone she trusts, and unfortunately, Lexa is not there quite yet. She has to give Clarke time, to mourn and heal. And she will wait til’ the morning before she talks to Clarke. It is all she can do, it is the  _ best _ for her to do, and it is the best for Clarke. Soon, Lexa thinks.  _ Soon.  _

  
  
  
  
  


**________________**

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Falling asleep that same night, becomes harder than Lexa first could have imagined. The wind echoes through her ears as it grabs by the flap of Lexa’s tent. The crickets outside suddenly seem louder than usual, yet the more Lexa tries to block out the sound, the louder it seems to become. 

A loud sigh escapes Lexa’s lips before she turns from where she is lying on the furs in her hard bed. She stares towards the ceiling of her tent. Her legs itch and cramps the more restless that she becomes. And the more restless that she becomes, the harder she has to keep still. 

Lexa pulls her coat slightly higher over her body as a blanket from the cold. Millions of heavy thoughts keeps her mind occupied with worry. Thoughts about Clarke and the guilt she seems to carry. Thoughts and wonders about the letters. _What_ has Clarke been writing to her all these days? Lexa can not let go of the thought. She wants to be able to do _more_ for Clarke. To be there for her. To offer support and comfort. 

With the heavy feelings washing through her, Lexa lets it out all in one breath before she pushes the coat from her body and pulls herself to a sitting position. She scoots to sit on the edge of the bed, legs hanging down and a heart racing inside her chest. 

She will have to get closer to Clarke. To make Clarke understand that she can trust her. Once she has done just that, then maybe then Lexa will be able to tell Clarke the truth. Because for now, Lexa is only worried that Clarke would take it the wrong way. That she would think that Lexa, or _Alicia,_ whom Clarke think that she is, is using Lexa’s death as a way to hurt her, make her _weak_ and break her down. Which is far from what Lexa would want. And that is why, it is going to take time. She needs to regain Clarke’s trust, and spend more time with her. She needs to show herself worthy of her loyalty and trust. 

Lexa stands from the hard bed now. Her head throbbing from the lack of sleep, and the muscles in her legs are almost cramping with pain. Yet she figures that there is no point in even trying to fall asleep. Lexa already knows that her worries won’t let her. 

So she walks towards the table near the opening of the tent. The drought in her mouth and down her throat is almost begging her to ease it. So Lexa does. She cups her hands into the bowl of water, letting the cold of it embrace the skin in the palms of her hands before she brings it closer to her mouth and lets it ease the thirst that only grows deep down her throat. 

She swallows thickly, before bringing up the back of her hand to wipe away the few drops of water in the corner of her mouth. She can’t help but let her eyes glance over towards the building outside. Up towards the large balcony to the room where Lexa knows Clarke is to be found in. The balcony door is closed, and the room looks dark. Clarke must be sleeping finally, Lexa figures. She had seen Niylah leave the tower just before she went to bed herself. She had noticed Niylah sneak out the tower and past the guards. Lexa does not know where she went, but it has been awhile since she left Clarke alone in the room. 

“ Can’t sleep? “ 

Lexa turns suddenly, her mind being pulled out from her traveling thoughts before her eyes turns their focus to Gaia. She walks up close to the opening of Lexa’s tent as she must have heard the movements coming from within. It almost surprises Lexa how Gaia never seems to sleep either, yet she always seems full of energy. 

Lexa is fast to blink the daze from her eyes as her shoulders begin to let go of the tension they held. “No.“ , she says softly with her gaze locked with Gaia’s. 

Gaia nods slowly, her eyes traveling from Lexa then up towards the tower before they return to Lexa again. 

“ Did you speak with Clarke? “ She asks slowly, and Lexa can feel as the words tightens around her chest. She glances towards the building herself before she stares blank before her. Feeling the question settle into her heart, almost burning with pain once she is reminded of the painful conversation she accidentally overheard. 

“ No. “ She repeats, this time just barely above a whisper while her gaze is locked into the nothingness before her. Her mind feels millions of miles away suddenly, and her heart heavy with pain. 

Even so, she can still see as Gaia slightly raises her chin in the corner of her eyes in a form of response. And she can soon notice as she pulls something out from the inside of her jacket. 

She lets a light exhale out from her mouth before reaching out the paper in her hand towards Lexa. “ I figured that you may want this. “ Gaia says softly, and the words are enough to draw Lexa out from her daze. 

In slow movements she glances down on the paper in the palm of Gaia’s hand. Her heart begins to speed and her mouth drops once Lexa reads the name on the paper and begins to realize what it may be. _Lexa,_ is written both thickly and in cursive onto the front of the paper and Lexa feels numb just by the sight. 

With eyes burning, she glances back up at Gaia, trying to find answers in the depth of Gaia’s eyes. She barely wants to even imagine it. Yet she can not stop her mind from thinking it. _Is that..?_ She thinks. And just as if she read Lexa’s mind, Gaia slowly tilts her chin down in a nod. 

Lexa moves forward, slow and careful she walks closer to Gaia and towards the letter in her hand. Her eyes travel from Gaia’s face, down to the paper again with her heart _racing._

“ Did you take that from Clarke? “ Lexa asks softly, yet feeling slightly irritated and protective over Clarke and over the fact that Gaia may have taken something personal from her. 

“ It is the one letter I found. I was going to return it but figured that you may want to read it first. “ 

Lexa lets the words set to her mind. Feeling herself standing in the crossroad of what her heart wants and what her mind is telling her to do. She _wants_ to read the letter, to know what Clarke has written down to her. Yet she does not want to invade Clarke’s privacy. That letter is personal, _private,_ and it is not for Lexa to see. Even if the letter technically is written to her, it still would not feel right to read it. Clarke never expected anyone to actually find them, and to _read_ them. It would not be right for Lexa to take them. 

So Lexa backs away slightly. She swallows down the want it her throat and clenches her jaw before she looks back up at Gaia. “ I can not take it. “ She whispers, and Gaia furrows a brow. 

“ Take it, Lexa. “ 

“ It is yours. “ 

Lexa lets her eyes travel between the darkness in Gaia’s. Her heart throbs against her ribs and her palms almost begins to sweat. 

“ But it would not be right. “ she says softly, chin tilting down and shoulders sinking. Yet Gaia only sighs, she gets a hold of Lexa’s wrist and Lexa does not find the strength to stop her. She lets Gaia put the letter in her hand, making sure that Lexa keeps it firm and steady in the palm of her hand. 

“ _Read_ it. “ 

“ I will return it to Clarke tomorrow. “

That is all Gaia says before she walks out of the tent and into the darkness of the streets in the Capital of Polis. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**________________**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A few heavy sighs escapes from the depth of Lexa’s throat between every twist and turn that she makes in her bed. Falling asleep now suddenly became a whole lot harder with the new knowledge of the letter. 

Lexa has not read the letter yet. She hasn’t dared to. It feels too personal and wrong. This is Clarke’s letter, and it was never meant for Lexa to find it. It was never meant for _anyone_ to find. So why should Lexa have the right to read it? Gaia had told her that _because_ Clarke has written them to her, she should have a right to look at it. Yet it still does not feel right. Lexa can still not get rid of the twisting feeling in her gut or the nausea that stirs deep down her throat. 

She runs a hand through her hair with a sigh leaving her lips. The air feels thicker now, and Lexa is clearly aware of how it makes her chest raise in a heavy rhythm. She glances down to the letter in her hand. The paper is folded in her palm and Lexa’s name is written in cursive on the front of it. It even has the date written down on it. _April 5,_ it says just below Lexa’s name. About a month after Lexa passed away. A month after the day that changed their lives forever. 

Lexa can feel as her heart tightens by the sight and by the memories that follows. Of the moment of horror that Lexa still has nightmares from. It still feels too surreal to be real. It all still feels like a nightmare that Lexa can not wake up from. Only, it isn’t. All of it happened, and all of it brought Lexa to exactly this moment. To this moment in which Lexa can not decide if she should open the letter or not. 

She lets her eyes wander over the paper in her hand, feeling her heart _racing_ inside her chest by the look of it. The growing urge of wanting to fold it open and read what hides inside is almost impossible to contain. Lexa wants to know Clarke’s thoughts and feelings, though does she have the _right_ to know them? Lexa is not sure, although with shuddering fingers, and shaking breaths, Lexa slowly and carefully folds the letter open before she has time to stop herself. 

Her heart thrums against her ribcage and her fingers tremble as she tries to hold the letter steady in the palms of her hands. Her mouth falls half agape to let air easier down to her shuddering lungs while Lexa’s eyes begin to roam over every sentence. 

One word after the other creates painful sentences down the line of paper in Lexa’s hands. And with burning eyes, Lexa follows every trail of it. 

  
  
  
  


_**April 5** _

  
  


_Lexa, from the moment that I heard the gunshot ringing between my ears, my heart sank. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move.. and now that I’ve managed to at least move, all I can think about is one moment you and I shared months ago. Over and over that same insignificant moment repeats in my head. We had just escaped the pauna and you made sure to keep me safe, do you remember that? You deprived yourself of your own sleep in order to provide me with mine._

_You were doing everything for me all along, for your people._

_I can’t hear that you will never come home again. That I’ll never learn something new about you again. Never experience your selflessness, your love, your warm touch again._

_Have we really had our last conversation? Our last kiss? Please come back to me. I can’t do this without you._

_\- yours._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**_________________**

From the moment that Lexa read the letter, she has not been able to think about nothing else. The sentences repeats in her mind in a constant loop. Each time it feels worse than the other. It settles to her heart, and clenches around her chest, _painfully so_. 

It had taken hours for Lexa to finally be able to fall asleep that night. After twisting and turning so many times that Lexa almost made herself annoyed, she had somehow finally been able to fall asleep. It had not been easy, but apparently very needed. 

Now, Lexa finds herself sitting outside of her tent with a wooden-plate of food in front of her. The sun has just barely risen and more and more of her people are starting to gather around the streets of Polis. Suddenly is the noise from the crickets of the night, replaced by the loud chattering from the people of the Capital. It calms the stress in Lexa’s veins, and Lexa somehow enjoys to observe her people this way. 

All morning she has been trying to keep her mind occupied with thoughts about their plan of the fire, instead of spending it in worry for Clarke and the sentences in her letter. The map of the forest is splayed out on the ground before her, and Lexa does her best to keep her focus and attention to it. 

If she wants to help Clarke, then Lexa needs to figure out where to find the bunker. She needs to do that for Clarke. She wants to be able to help her with that. Because if she does, she will take away some of the burden that she knows Clarke must be carrying. She doesn’t want Clarke to go through this alone. They are in this together now. 

“ What are you doing? “ 

Lexa glances up to her side suddenly, and swallows thickly by the sight above her. Clarke’s shadow hovers over her and Lexa gets lost in the vision of Clarke. She is dressed in heavy grounder armors and a few strands of blonde is braided in the mix with the rest of her hair. It is unusual and rare to see Clarke like this, and even more so with the Commander symbol that is well placed between her eyebrows. 

Yet Lexa soon clears her throat before she blinks back the focus to her eyes. 

“ I am trying to figure out where Becca may have hidden the bunker. “ Lexa explains, and watches as Clarke raises her chin in a small response. 

She seems hesitant and unsure, yet slightly interested so Lexa waste no time in nodding towards the place on the ground beside her. 

“ Join me? “ She asks softly, and notices how Clarke draws in a light breath. She shifts the weight from one leg to the other, glancing between Lexa and to the spot beside her before she exhales deeply. 

“ Alright. “ she says then. 

Just from the moment that Clarke carefully settles down to the ground beside her, Lexa can feel her heart skip a beat. Clarke’s presence feels warm. It feels calm, and a familiar feeling of home is radiating from her presence and Lexa has to fight not to revel in the feeling of it. 

She lets her eyes roam over Clarke’s face. Her brows looks tense, her lips are pulled in a thin line onto her face and her eyes are deeply focused on the map in front of them now. 

With her eyes on Clarke, Lexa can not help but be reminded of the letter. Of the painful words that created sorrowful sentences into the paper. It pains Lexa to know that Clarke wrote that. Maybe she never really expected that she would mean so much to someone, _to Clarke_ , that she apparently ended up doing. It is clear that Clarke still mourns her death, and it hurts Lexa to be aware of it. 

However, Clarke must have noticed Lexa staring because she soon slightly tilts her head in her direction. The blue of her eyes are careful to glance over to Lexa, and their eyes are quick to meet. The intensity of Clarke’s stare is enough to make Lexa lose her breath. It is so incredibly easy to get lost in the depth of Clarke’s eyes. Lexa is too aware of it, and Clarke must have noticed it too because she soon draws in a shaking breath before looking back down on the map in front of them. 

“ So have you found anything? “ Clarke asks, and Lexa has to swallow down the familiar want down her throat before she has to force herself to return her focus to the map too. 

“ Not yet. “ Lexa begins slowly. 

“ How are we supposed to know where Becca has hidden it? It could be anywhere. “ 

Clarke sighs heavily, her eyes roaming every expanse of the map. The familiar frustration that radiates from Clarke is not forgotten. Lexa has seen this side of Clarke many times. The frustrated side of her that sneaks out once things don’t go her way, and Lexa can feel as a hidden smile pulls in the corner of her lips by the notice. However, Lexa is fast to swallow it down before glancing back up at Clarke. 

“ We will find it soon, Clarke. “ 

Clarke exhales deeply by the comforting words before glancing up to meet Lexa’s gaze. There is a familiar feeling in the intensity of Clarke’s eyes, something way too easy for Lexa to get drawn to. Although she can not let herself get pulled into the feeling of it, not now. 

“ Becca was smart. “ Lexa starts then, eyes returning to the map. 

“ She must have hidden it somewhere that’s not..- “ 

Lexa continues but is soon interrupted mid sentence by the growling coming from Clarke’s stomach. The noise is enough for Lexa to quickly look over to Clarke, and for her eyes to land on her belly a moment later where Clarke is now holding her hands in an attempt to prevent more sounds of hunger from sneaking through. 

Lexa looks up to Clarke’s face then, noticing how she uncomfortably shifts in her position with eyes in no want of meeting Lexa’s. Yet Lexa can still feel the worry settle over her. 

“ Clarke? “ Lexa says softly, waiting with her eyes on Clarke for her to meet Lexa’s gaze, and Clarke soon does. Slowly and hesitantly she glances back up at Lexa with their eyes soon meeting. 

“ Have you not eaten? “ Lexa asks then and notices how Clarke draws in a shuddering breath, yet she remains just as silent. 

It worries Lexa that she does not know how long it’s been since Clarke last ate. Clarke is a healer, she knows how important it is to take care of herself. But Lexa figures not to ask more, instead she brings the plate of berries and fruit closer to Clarke in a polite offer. 

“ Here. “ She says softly, watching how Clarke looks down on the plate. 

“ I did not manage to get any meat, however I want you to take the rest of this. “ 

She watches as Clarke looks down on the plate in front of her, although she soon turns her focus back to the map with a painful smile pulling in the corner of her lip. “ I’m fine. “ she says in a breath, and Lexa feels as the words tightens around her chest. _She’s not fine_ , and it worries Lexa that she does not seem to take better care of herself. 

With the thought spinning in her mind and with her eyes on the blonde woman beside her, Lexa soon rises to her feet. She can feel Clarke’s eyes on her, questioning and wondering yet she remains still in her position on the ground. 

“ Let’s hunt for fish. “ 

Lexa looks back down on Clarke, noticing her brows furrow as she stares back up confused at Lexa. To be honest, Lexa could use the food herself and it also becomes a good excuse to spend more time with Clarke. To spend more time alone with her, away from the plans of Praimfaya and away from Polis. However, Clarke does not seem as convinced. 

“ I don’t even know how to do that. “ she says then, and Lexa carefully smiles.

“ Then let me teach you. “ 

**  
  
  
**

**_______________**


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the long wait!! I recently got a new job that I have been super busy at so I have literally not found any time to write :( but now I’m back with a new chapter, one that I personally enjoy so I hope that you do too! 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

‘’ Okay, so where are you taking me again? ‘’ Clarke asks suddenly. They have been walking down the path of the forest, surrounded by trees for awhile now. Walking towards a place that Anya once introduced Lexa to. To a place that since then, has been one of Lexa’s favorite places of the forest. 

‘’ You will see soon, Clarke. ‘’ Lexa responds calmy. A hidden smile pulls in the corner of her lip. It feels good to be alone with Clarke. To be away from Polis and the responsibilities within its walls. Lexa has never been able to have that before. She has never had the freedom to do things just for the sake of doing them. She has never been able to have that with _Clarke,_ and to be honest, Lexa never thought that she would ever be able to.

They had talked about a someday before. About a someday that Lexa never thought that they would be able to actually have. Her duties and responsibilities as Commander was something that would restrict her from that for the rest of her life. She had not let Clarke think about it though. She never wanted her to worry. Instead, Lexa had smiled softly and responded with a simple _I hope so._ Hope, that maybe someday they would be able to have it. And maybe now, they will. 

Lexa shoots a hidden glance to her left. Her eyes travel over Clarke’s body, noticing every unfamiliar detail of her. The full Grounder armor still looks unusual to see on her, yet it also seems to fit her so well. She looks _beautiful._ Clarke’s hair looks slightly shorter than it did before. It looks cleaner and almost even softer. She looks new but familiar. Unrecognizable but like home. 

With the bashful smile pulling in the corner of her lip, Lexa can feel as her heart races inside her chest. There is no denying that even this body that she finds herself in now, responds to the attraction of Clarke’s beauty in the same way as her last body did. The vision of Clarke, manage to take the breath out of these lungs too, Lexa notices. That may be the only thing that hasn’t changed. Her feelings for Clarke. They are still there, and maybe they always will.

They continue to walk in silence for awhile. The only thing to provide them with sound is from the way their boots hits the ground and from the way the birds sing from the trees above. The wind echoes through the trees and sticks breaks every now and then once either one of them takes a step. It is quiet. But not awkwardly so. Lexa almost even enjoys the silence. It is calm and still. It is relaxing and warm. There is no need for words, so for now, Lexa will let nature provide them with melody. 

With her eyes dancing over the features of Clarke’s face, Lexa takes in every detail of her. Noticing the thin line on her lips, and the light tightness in her jaw. She looks tense. Her shoulders are sharpened and still, and her legs heavy as she drags them over the ground. 

Clarke has always been one to carry her burdens close to her heart, Lexa knows that. She takes things deep and personal. She loves fiercely and strong. Yet seeing her like this. With nothing but the heavy burdens left, sets a stinging ache in motion in every part of Lexa’s body. It is painful to see how the motivation and will that Lexa once saw within Clarke, now has completely melted away. She is not the same person that Lexa once knew, and it is painful to realize. She is yet again reminded by the letters. By the hurtful sentences that spoke truly and genuinely from Clarke’s heart. How will she be able to mend the broken pieces back together? _Can she?_ Lexa does not know, but she knows that she will _try._

Lexa removes her gaze from Clarke and instead turns her focus to the path ahead before she turns the corner by a large hill. 

“ We are here. “ , Lexa speaks low but clear. Careful and sweet, and can feel as Clarke follows her in her path behind. 

The large hill hid the beauty of the glowing forest on the other end. Of the forest that glows with the help of the flowers and the trees. Of the forest that is full with light and life. Of butterflies in different colors and of birds who sings in different kinds of melodies. _It is so beautiful._

“ Woah. “, Clarke lets out in a low breath as she walks up closer to Lexa’s side and begins to scan her surroundings. 

Lexa is not sure if Clarke has ever seen the place before. This part of the forest has always been one of Lexa’s favorite places ever since Anya first introduced her to it. And just like Clarke, Lexa had first shared the same reaction. 

She has always dreamt and thought about showing this part of the forest to Clarke. To share the beauty of the glowing forest and the secrets it holds. Of course, she had imagined the circumstances to be different, but for now, this is as good as it gets. At least she gets to _be here_ when Clarke first sees it, even if Clarke is not quite aware of it herself. 

“It is beautiful, isn’t it? “ Lexa says gently, yet Clarke remains silent and still in her position beside her. 

The river runs down the hill and through the moss before it gathers in the creek in front of them. It is filled with fish to eat, the best kind, Lexa believes. This has always been her safe space. Her go to place and her escape from reality. It is calm and still. It is relaxing and enchanted. It is everything that is worth dreaming about. 

Lexa steps forward. Slow and careful, and once she glances over her shoulder, she can see as Clarke still looks numb in her step. Her eyes are too focused on her surroundings and her mouth hangs half agape to breathe in the fresh, and almost magical air around her. 

Lexa smiles softly before clearing her throat. It warms her heart that Clarke seems to find the same kind of beauty for the place that Lexa shares. 

“ Do you want to go into the water? “ , Lexa asks and that is enough for Clarke to be drawn from her daze. She returns her eyes to Lexa and sucks in a deep breath once she becomes aware of the words. 

“ So you’re taking me here to get me undressed and take me for a swim? “ 

“ You’re full of adventures, aren’t you? “ 

Lexa smiles shyly, her gaze meets the ground underneath her with her heart racing inside her chest. “ No, “ she says in a breath, eyes glancing back up to look at Clarke. 

“ Though, your chances of catching a fish increases if you actually get into the water, Clarke. “, Lexa pauses slowly. 

“ and not remain on the shore. “ 

Clarke draws in a big breath, eyes closing once she seems to be reminded of the real reason behind their trip to the river. 

“ Right, “ she says, head shaking and nose scrunching. “ fair point. “ 

Lexa almost has to swallow down the wide smile that wants to cover her lips by Clarke’s innocent accusation. She does not want Clarke to believe that she is making fun of her, but it is hard to deny the way that every part of Lexa wants to smile and almost burst by happiness and joy. 

Although, Lexa manage to remove the smile onto her lips, _forcefully so,_ before she nods towards a large stick on the ground beside Clarke. 

“ Take that. “ she says, and Clarke does. With hesitant and confused movements, Clarke brings the stick to her hands without really knowing why as Lexa begins to remove her boots. 

“ We will need a spear in order to catch the fish.” 

Lexa steps out of her boots and is fast in removing her socks and fold up the end of her pants as well. 

“ Do you know how to make one? “ 

Clarke’s brows furrows, her head shakes and Lexa carefully smiles. “ No? “ , she says softly and Lexa steps forward. 

She pulls out the dagger that was stuck to the side of her pants, and Clarke is quick to turn her attention to it. Her jaw tightens once Lexa gets a hold of the stick in Clarke’s hand. They are both holding onto it now, eyes digging deeper into each other with a tension floating in the air above. 

“ We will need it sharp. “ 

Lexa flips the dagger in her hand, only for the handle of it to point towards Clarke. She watches as Clarke glances down onto it, heart racing inside her chest before she continues. 

“ Try. “ 

  
  
  


**______________**

Lexa stands still in the water and close to the shore, and watches every tense and unfocused move Clarke makes as she is attempting to catch her first fish. It has been a few minutes with no new luck of actually catching a fish at the end of their spear. 

Clarke is too unfocused, too rushed in her movements. Yet, Lexa is patient. She is calm and quiet and she is providing Clarke time in trying to figure out the technique herself. Although with each new failing attempt that she makes, Lexa is starting to sense how Clarke only grows more frustrated. More hungry and more tired with each ongoing moment. 

“ Come on! “ , Clarke grunts as she throws the spear into the water for the thirteenth time. The water splashes around her as she moves forward, and when Clarke pulls up the spear only to find the sharp end empty, she can’t help the tired sigh that escapes her. 

The amount of times that Lexa has been wanting to step forward and catch the fish for her is almost impossible to count. There has been an endless of times that Lexa has been forced to stop herself from interfering with Clarke’s time to learn. She _needs_ to figure this out for herself, and Lexa knows that she can. She can not do the hard work for Clarke, but she _can_ be right here to offer support, and once Clarke _really_ needs it, she can offer _some_ help. 

‘’ It’s taking too long. ‘’ , Clarke sighs, her head throws back and her shoulders heavily sinks. 

‘’ Patience, Clarke. ‘’ 

Lexa speaks from the side of the creek. Her legs are almost numb from the cold water that embraces her skin, but Lexa doesn’t mind. She can stand here with Clarke forever and she would still not get tired of it. 

“ How long is this supposed to take? “ 

The tone in Clarke’s voice is only getting more sharp the more moments that pass by. She is starting to grow more frustrated and hungry, Lexa can tell. But she can not give up, Lexa will not let her. She _will_ catch her first fish, and Lexa will be right here to guide her. 

‘’ It takes as long as it takes. ‘’ 

Clarke sighs heavily by Lexa’s comforting words. Clearly not satisfied enough with the response. Although Lexa can still see how the words makes Clarke go still. Her jaw clenches before she draws in a breath, and Lexa wonders just if Clarke was reminded of the same moment as herself. Was she able to bring back a memory and create a connection that may have awoken something inside of Clarke? Lexa is not sure, but she swallows down the hard lump in her throat and keeps her eyes locked on Clarke. 

“ Focus, Clarke. “ , Lexa speaks softly and Clarke lets out a light exhale. 

“ Do not rush it. “ 

“ _Feel_ the spear under the tip of your fingers and let it guide you. “ 

Clarke closes her eyes, and Lexa silently watches. Her heart races inside her chest, she wants Clarke to succeed, because she believes that she can. Clarke only needs to find the calm within herself first, and Lexa will help her find it. 

“ _Relax_. “ , Lexa whispers and Clarke lets out the heavy breath she was holding and Lexa can practically see as her shoulders starts to sink and let go of the weight they were carrying. _That’s better_ , Lexa thinks. 

“ You will feel once the moment is right, and then you strike. “ 

“ _Hard_. “ 

Clarke nods slowly, fingers tightening their grip around the spear. Legs shifting the weight from one side to the other, and with the wind gripping at the strands of Clarke’s blonde hair, she continues to stand still. 

Lexa can tell as the tension increases once the silence and focus creeps in. It is heavy to breathe, but Lexa feels to occupied with her attention on Clarke to even care. She can do this. Lexa _knows_ so. 

With the thought spinning in her mind, the sound of the slashing water soon greets their ears as the spear hits she surface in a hard and fast motion. Lexa lightly steps forward, with curious eyes she’s watching as Clarke slowly and carefully pulls out the spear again. Only this time, the far end is speared right through a small fish. It is not large, not at all actually, but it is enough to bring a large amount of happiness to both Lexa _and_ Clarke. It is enough for a cloud of relief and pride to wash through Lexa’s veins and for her lips to curl into a wide smile. 

“ I got one! “ Clarke yells. She holds the spear high into the air for Lexa to see, and Lexa can do nothing else but to smile back. 

“ Well done, Clarke. “ 

Their eyes meet for just a moment. Familiar and warm, and Lexa doesn’t believe that she has ever felt more proud. _She did it._ She really did, and Lexa was lucky enough to share this moment of firsts with her. 

  
  
  
  


**_______________**

They sit still on the grass by the river. The fire sparkles beside them as the silence has creeped in. 

After the many attempts of catching a fish, Lexa had been forced to take over in order to save the dinner. Unfortunately the fish that Clarke _did_ end up getting, had not been big enough to ease the hunger for both of them. It had been a moment of victory and pride. But in order to actually ease their hunger, Lexa had been forced to take over their hunt for fish.

Now though, they sit still while the fire flickers and sparkles behind them. They sit still in silence as they eat the fish that they have cooked for themselves. To be honest, not even Lexa is used to cooking her own food, still she doesn’t believe that fish has ever tasted as good. Maybe it is the company that makes up for it. Because now, her stomach is thanking her, but so is her heart. 

“ I have been trying to stay calm. “ 

Lexa glances to her side by Clarke’s sudden words. Her eyes travel over the features in Clarke’s face, noticing how her mind looks millions of miles away before she draws in a big breath. 

“ But _Praimfaya_ is only getting closer and I have no idea how to save my people. “ 

Lexa is aware of the weight the words holds. She is aware of how they are affecting Clarke, and she _hates_ that she is not able to take more of the burden from her. This is not something that Clarke should have to deal with, _especially not_ on her own. 

Instead, Lexa lowers her chin and keeps her eyes locked on Clarke. “ We will figure it out. “ Lexa speaks, gentle and comforting, and Clarke slowly turns by the words. 

Her brows looks tense and her jaw tight. Her eyes are vulnerable as they travel between Lexa’s, and Lexa wishes that she could do more to ease the pain in Clarke’s heart. 

They stay like that for awhile, finding comfort in familiar eyes of what they once wanted to call home. They stay still in silence, with hearts racing and moments passing before Clarke finally breaks the silence again.

“ You are not what I expected. “ , she speaks low but clear. Her head slightly shakes as her blue eyes travel between Lexa’s, yet all Lexa can do is to release the heavy breath from her lungs. She wants to reach out for Clarke, more than anything, yet she knows that she can’t. _Not yet._

Instead, Lexa swallows through the drought in her throat. She forces down the emotions with her eyes burning with pain. Her mouth falls half agape to let her breathe easier, and Lexa is fast to gather more strength to change the subject.

She clears her throat and lightly shifts in her position on the grass before she blinks back the daze from her eyes. 

“ Roan mentioned that you are not from clear blood? “ , Lexa asks suddenly, the words coming out in more of a question than an observation as they leave her lips. 

The sentence always managed to stick to Lexa. She knows that Clarke first planned to ascend and that Gaia was going to help her with it, and she knows that she must have convinced everyone that it was possible. But how? And why are they referring to her as someone of ‘ not clear blood’ ? 

Lexa notices how the question makes Clarke tense. She glances down onto her lap with her jaw clenching before her shoulders shrugs. 

“ Do you remember when we talked about how only nightbloods are able to survive _Praimfaya?”_ , Clarke asks before she glances back up at Lexa, and once Lexa nods, Clarke draws in a new breath. 

“ Well, my mother and a friend managed to find a way to create nightblood. “ 

Lexa pulls back slightly, brows arching and her heart stopping. The words are sudden and hard to understand. _How?_ How, is it even possible. And has Clarke…? Lexa barely even wants to imagine it, yet her thoughts does not go far before Clarke starts again. 

“ So.. “ Clarke lets out in a breath, “ We needed a Commander and needed to see if the injection of nightblood would work. “ 

“ So I sacrificed myself. “ 

Lexa can feel as the words clenches around her heart and how the lump burns down her throat.

“ Why? “ , she whispers and Clarke slowly turns to meet her vulnerable eyes. Eyes full of emotion and fear. Eyes full of worry and love that does not go unnoticed by Clarke. But instead, Clarke swallows back and smiles painfully. 

“ Once she was gone, I just.. “ , she starts before drawing in a new breath and returning her eyes to the river in front of them. 

“ I started living life as if nothing else mattered. “ 

Clarke lightly shrugs, and Lexa can feel the words as spears through her chest, cutting her open whole and alive.

“ Because at the time, the way I felt nothing did. “ 

Lexa feels her eyes burn stronger with each ongoing moment. It heats behind her eyelids, almost impossible to fight back. But when Clarke looks back up, blue eyes meeting green, Lexa exhales in a light gasp. 

“ And now? “ , she asks in a whisper of emotion, and Clarke painfully smiles back. 

“ Now I just live for the purpose of making her proud. And to fulfill the goals that she set. “ 

  
  
  
  


**_____________**


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo! 
> 
> So i’m back with a new chapter, this one is a little shorter but very needed for the upcoming chapters. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

They spend the rest of the day in the forest. With a lingering silence and a touchable tension. None of them breaking the silence to speak, because none of them has felt the right words to say. What _do_ you say, when someone says that their life suddenly stopped having a meaning after your death? Lexa is not sure. It feels overwhelming and heartbreaking, and no words on the surface of Earth would be enough to mend the pieces in Clarke’s heart. Lexa knows that, so she does not try to fill the silence with unnecessary words. With words that does not hold meaning. 

Yet, Lexa knows that the timing of telling Clarke about the secrets she keeps, is only getting closer. She needs Clarke to be aware of who she is, _soon._ She can not keep this in anymore. She can not keep this from Clarke. But _how_ do you tell someone that you suddenly returned from the dead? How will Lexa explain to Clarke about her reincarnation and how will Clarke respond to the information? 

Clarke’s reaction worries Lexa. How will Clarke respond once she realizes that Lexa has been here all along, and _watched_ her mourn? Lexa feels sick just from the thought, but she _needs_ the timing to be right. If it ever will be. 

They soon come to a stop at the end of a small hill. The distance from where they stand to where they need to be is not far, so Lexa takes the moment to jump down first. She lands on the ground just a tiny bit further down with a thud before she turns to hesitantly reach out an arm for Clarke. She does it without thinking about it, really. Her instinct acts before she realizes what she does, and once she has her arm reached out for Clarke, all she can do is to watch and wait with a racing of her heart how Clarke glances down to her hand. 

“ Thanks. “ , Clarke lets out in a nervous breath and after that it does not take long before Lexa can feel the warmth of Clarke’s hand in the palm of her own. 

Her touch shivers down her spine, and Lexa has to swallow back the painful lump in the back of her throat. Her heart trudges against her ribs by Clarke’s touch, and Lexa had almost forgotten just how much her touch actually manage to affect her. It makes her whole breathing uneven, and the thick air around her is almost suffocating her as she stands in silence and helps Clarke down the small hill. 

With a small jump, Clarke soon lands on the ground beside Lexa and then she is quick to let go of Lexa’s hand. The lack of her touch immediately has Lexa begging for more. Her whole body is aching for Clarke again, and Lexa almost has to force herself to lightly step back. 

They start walking quietly beside each other again down the path of the forest before Clarke suddenly breaks the silence. 

” So,, ” she starts, and Lexa slowly looks over to the girl beside her. Her eyes travel over Clarke, watching as she draws in a new breath before she turns to meet Lexa’s gaze. 

” I’ve seen you spend a lot of time with Gaia. “ 

The words come as a bit of surprise to Lexa. She had not expected them, because honestly, she had not expected Clarke to pay so much attention to what she has been doing in Polis and who she has been with. Maybe she has been watching Lexa and her actions more than Lexa first realized. 

“ Does that bother you? “ , she asks gently. Eyes glancing between the path ahead to avoid the tree’s branches back over to look at Clarke. 

Although Clarke is quick to shrug her shoulders before she draws in a breath. 

“ No. “ , she replies before clearing her throat. “ It just surprises me.“ 

Lexa raises her chin just barely noticeable by the sight of an eye in a form of response. She can’t tell if Clarke really feels bothered by her connection to Gaia, or if she really just is surprised that they seem to know each other so well. 

“ We are old friends. “ Lexa lies then, yet the sentence makes Clarke stop in an instant. 

She stands still on the path they were walking on, eyes returning to Lexa while her brows arches in a silent question. 

Lexa stops too. She stares at Clarke for a long moment, waiting as the silence creeps in for Clarke to say something. 

“ You’re an old friend to Indra’s daughter? “ , Clarke asks in disbelief as she quirks a brow.

Lexa can almost feel her heart physically stop by the question. She had completely forgotten about her belonging to the ice clan and how difficult this lie suddenly became. There is no reason why someone like her, someone who comes from the ice clan would be an old friend to the daughter of someone who does not get along with Azgeda in the slightest. 

With her mind racing, Lexa draws in a light breath while her eyes dig into Clarke’s. She thinks fast to avoid the question and instead change the subject. 

“ What happened to Titus? “ , she whispers instead. 

She clearly notices how Clarke sucks in a light breath. Her chin raises and her eyes are pulled back from Lexa’s gaze. 

Clarke doesn’t seem to mind that the subject suddenly changed, or that she did not receive an answer to her question. She only licks the dryness of her lips before slowly starting to walk down the path again, and Lexa immediately follows. 

Her eyes dances over the features in Clarke’s face. She looks serious. Her whole body looks tense and her jaw tight. It is almost as if she is forcing down the emotions building up inside of her body before she can find strength to respond. 

“ He took his own life not long after Lexa’s death. “ , Clarke lets out in a small breath. 

The words manage to surprise Lexa. It clenches around her heart to be aware of Titus’ death. Her mouth falls half open by the words and she can not deny the way the new given information twists in her gut. 

She never expected Titus to take his own life, still it calms her to know that Clarke did not order his death. That she did not order him to die out of anger and hurt from causing Lexa’s. 

However, Clarke must have noticed that Lexa stayed silent beside her, because it does not take long before she clears her throat to start again. 

“ A part of me has always been thinking that maybe he had the right idea. “ 

The words are husky and low as they force themselves through the drought in her throat. 

They are hurtful and filled with pain once they reaches Lexa’s ears. 

“ Life is not the same without.. “ 

Clarke swallows down the words, thickly so. She has to take a moment to gather her breath, and Lexa can do nothing else but painfully watch it. She painfully listens to the words leaving Clarke’s mouth, unable to stop them or the pain they cause. 

She is too aware of who Clarke is referring to, and it hurts Lexa to see Clarke go through this pain and still not find the courage to tell her about her secret. 

It hurts her to be aware of how Clarke probably has had moments of pain where she could not find any other way out from the suffering than death for herself.

Lexa would never wish that for Clarke, and it worries her that those are thoughts and feelings that clearly has kept Clarke’s mind occupied. Still Lexa is only thankful that Clarke never has given in to it. 

She can feel the tightness sneak up to settle in her throat. It prevents her from breathing properly, and each new breath she takes aches around her heart as Lexa keeps her eyes stuck on Clarke. 

She almost feels nauseous by noticing how affected Clarke seems by the conversation. By watching how Clarke tugs at her lip and has to blink back the heat from her eyes. 

Still, she can clearly hear the shudder of breath she releases. 

“ She left me,, and now I can’t _breathe_. “ 

Clarke drags out the last word, painfully so. It is clear how it aches around her chest once she lets it out, and the words manage to take Lexa by surprise. 

She is surprised to where their conversation went, and how affected they both became by it so quickly. Yet Lexa is quick to stop walking and instead turn her full attention and worry to Clarke. 

Her eyes wander over the changes in Clarke’s face, still Clarke seems in no want of meeting Lexa’s gaze. Instead, her chin lowers and Lexa is unsure of how to comfort her. She wants to reach out for Clarke, especially so once she manage to notice the tears burning in the corner of her eyes.

Her fingers twitch with want of reaching out for Clarke, but Lexa is unsure of how much comfort she is allowed to offer. Instead she licks the dryness of her lips, feeling the heat down her own throat as well by the tears that stirs. 

“ _Clarke. “ ,_ Lexa manage to let out in a whispering breath.

She can feel her own eyes burn with heat and pain, yet she does not let the tears fall. Instead she searches to meet Clarke’s gaze, and once Clarke finally looks up, Lexa lets her heart go to work before her mind has time to react. 

Hesitantly and gentle she reaches out for Clarke. She grabs softly by her wrists as she holds onto her. 

Clarke feels tense under her touch, and Lexa can not ignore the light shakiness she can feel in Clarke’s body. She is almost trembling under the touch of Lexa’s fingers, and Lexa slowly begins to rub her thumbs softly over her arms to ease it. 

“ _Breathe with me_. “ , Lexa whispers with the words clenching down her throat. 

She meets Clarke’s gaze. The blue of her eyes are covered with the wetness on the surface. She clenches her jaw together, painfully so to keep the tears from falling. 

It is almost as if she is uncertain if she should let herself be comforted by Lexa and her consoling touch. Although as Lexa slowly continues to rub her thumbs over Clarke’s arm, Clarke soon gives in and exhales in a light breath. 

The breath shudders against the skin on Lexa’s face, and she watches how Clarke slowly but hesitantly begins to close her eyes. 

She watches with her heart racing and with her palms sweating around the grip of Clarke’s wrists, how Clarke slowly but surely gives in and starts to trust. She falls into Lexa’s comfort, and for a moment seems to trust her enough to be vulnerable with her. 

Lexa takes the moment to let her gaze wander over Clarke and the changes in her face. Her lips have fallen just barely apart to let air smoothly down into her lungs, and her brows are slightly clenched to reveal the wrinkles in between. 

It is hurtful to see how much Clarke seems to be in pain. It stings around Lexa’s heart and shudders against her ribs. She wishes that she could do more. That it would be easier for her to just tell Clarke the truth. Yet Lexa figures that for now, all she can do is to be here for Clarke in the best way she can for both herself and for Clarke. 

So with a light exhale, Lexa gathers more strength and tries to ignore her own pain that rises inside her. 

“ That pain in your heart is a reminder of the strength within you. “ , Lexa lets the words out just barely above a whisper.

She notices how they make Clarke’s brow twitch and her jaw clench. Yet she still takes the moment to continue. 

“ It’s there to remind you that you are alive and you _deserve_ to be. “ 

Clarke releases a heavy breath. A breath that meets the skin onto Lexa’s face from how close they now stand. Her body still lightly shakes and trembles under Lexa’s touch, but her shoulders soon lets go of the tension they held. 

They stand still for a moment, and Lexa takes a minute to give Clarke time to embrace the pain to then be able to let go of it. She will give Clarke as much time as she needs, and she will be right here waiting for as long as it takes. Even if her own breath shudders and her own heart aches, she will continue to wait for Clarke and she will continue to help her through the pain. 

“ _Clarke. “ ,_ Lexa whispers and Clarke slowly lets her eyes open. 

The depth of blue are burning red and glowing with wetness once Clarke looks back up at Lexa. Her mind looks far from present and her mouth soon falls open in a light exhale. 

Lexa lets her hands slowly caress Clarke’s lower arms in a gentle comfort while her eyes continues to travel between the depth in hers. 

They stay like that. In silence while they find comfort in each other’s eyes. It almost surprises Lexa how well Clarke actually receives her touch, and how she almost _melts_ by the feeling of it. 

“ Can I show you something? “ Clarke whispers then, and Lexa is almost caught off guard by the words. They are unexpected yet has her heart racing. 

She almost feels numb in her step suddenly, and with her eyes burning into Clarke’s, Lexa soon has to force her chin to tilt down in a small nod. 

She joins Clarke in the breath she releases, and can feel her fade from the touch under her hands. Slowly, Clarke backs away from Lexa, and Lexa is immediately craving her touch again. 

“ _Come_. “ , Clarke says then. Her hand gets a steady hold of Lexa’s wrist instead before she lightly tugs at her arm. “ This way. “ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**____________**

” Shh, “ Clarke hushes. 

“ We have to be quiet not to scare them. “ 

Clarke still has a firm grip of Lexa’s wrist. She has had during all the way that she has been leading her through the forest. 

To be honest, the touch had felt unexpected, yet Lexa is more than happy to let Clarke take command and hold her. It shivers down her spine, the way she touches her and Lexa can feel the tingling of it set in every part of her body. 

It makes the air suddenly thicker to breathe, and Lexa wonders if Clarke is able to feel the clear shakiness in Lexa’s body. 

“ Here. “ , Clarke whispers then before she lightly tugs at Lexa’s arm. 

Slowly and quietly, she pulls them down to kneel on the ground behind a larger bush. And with her heart racing inside her chest, Lexa let's Clarke take control of every move they make. 

They stay in silence, with nothing to hear except Lexa’s heavy breathings. Yet the more moments that pass by, the harder Lexa has to keep her eyes away from Clarke. 

Carefully, and in awe, she is watching Clarke’s every move. Watching how Clarke keeps her focus on something through the bushes with her hand still resting on Lexa’s arm. 

Lexa is not even sure if Clarke is aware of that she is still holding onto her, but Lexa doesn’t have the heart to tell her. She doesn’t want to. Clarke is welcome to touch her whenever she’d like and Lexa is happy to feel the warmth of her palm touch the fabric of her shirt over her arm. 

“ _There_. “ , Clarke whispers as she points towards something further away. 

Lexa almost has to force her gaze from Clarke’s beauty and instead turn her attention to what Clarke clearly wants to show her.

With hesitant movements to not make any unnecessary noises, Lexa soon manage to see exactly what Clarke was pointing at. 

She has found the nest of a red fox. The nest of a beautiful animal that is clearly noticeable as it walks around its home. It does not seem like it has noticed them just yet, which gives them time to sit in silence and just watch the wonderful creature. 

Lexa has seen them before, too many times to count. Yet she has never seen it through Clarke’s eyes, and something about doing so, makes her see them in a whole new light. She shares the excitement and joy that Clarke radiates. 

Clarke tilts her head just slightly to look over at Lexa, and Lexa waste no time in meeting her gaze. Warm and welcoming she stares deep into Clarke’s eyes, feeling the corner of her lip pull in a hidden smile. 

She watches as Clarke exhales lightly, eyes traveling over Lexa’s face. “ Now look at the best part. “ , Clarke whispers then as she turns her attention back on the fox, and Lexa immediately follows her gaze. 

One cub after the other slowly begins to crawl out of their nest and greet their mother on the other side. There are five of them, five small cubs that has caught both Clarke’s attention and her own. _They are so beautiful_. 

Lexa stares at the small animals, feeling her heart jump inside her chest by doing so. She has never paid so much attention to really _look_ at them. They are fascinating and interesting. 

“ I found them a few days ago when I was.. “ , Clarke stops mid sentence. Almost as if she caught herself saying more than she should have, and Lexa is quick to glance over at her by the sudden stop. 

She watches as Clarke lets out a heavy breath before a painful smile pulls in the corner of her lip. 

“ They are beautiful, Clarke. “ Lexa replies once Clarke remains silent. 

The words seems to be enough to make Clarke feel more at ease. Lexa can practically see how her shoulders starts to relax and how her body starts to look not nearly as tense. She seems thankful that Lexa does not need her to explain or expect more from her. Because Lexa doesn’t, all she really needs is this moment with Clarke. 

Yet Clarke soon quietly clears her throat before she looks back at their new found friends. 

“ It is interesting to see how they have dug their nest underground and then have their mother keeping watch to not let any other prey inside. “ 

Lexa lets the words sink to her. _Underground._ She glances over to the foxes again, blurry memories spins through her mind while her eyes observes the animals from far. 

_“ The bunker from under. “_ , Lexa whispers still loud enough for Clarke to hear. 

“ What? “ , she asks and Lexa is pulled from her thoughts. 

She stares between Clarke’s eyes, with memories of a past life spinning through her mind. She can not quite see the images clearly, yet they are still there. Memories of her time as Commander, and memories of the flame. 

“ I may know where to find the bunker. “ , Lexa pauses slowly. 

“ And we need to find Gaia. “ 

  
  
  
  
  


_______________


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i’m back with a new chapter and we are only getting closer to the end 🙊 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, all your comments truly mean more than you can imagine because i’m constantly refreshing my page to see if i’ve gotten a new one hahah! 
> 
> Also if you want to follow me on instagram or twitter, please do! 
> 
> IG: clexaedits   
> Twitter : corneliaolivias

They spend the next few days in stress and wonder. Together with Clarke and Gaia, have all three of them searched through all of Becca’s old belongings, trying to come up with  _ where _ exactly to find the bunker. 

It has not been easy, although ever since their small encounter in the forest, Lexa has had an idea of where it possibly could be hidden. And it is all thanks to Clarke,  _ Clarke  _ did that. 

She awoken images inside Lexa’s mind of memories of her past life as Commander. Of memories about the information she has gotten from the flame. And if they are right, they should be able to find the bunker _soon._

Lexa leans back against the table in the Flamekeeper’s chamber. Her head is pulsing with ache from the many sleepless nights that they have spent in search for information. They have spent days and nights awake together, and even if Lexa can feel it ache in every muscle in her body, she would still not complain. Those awaken nights and days, has only brought her closer to Clarke. 

Now, Clarke is not as hostile towards her. She is not nearly as guarded as she was once Lexa first came back to Polis. Now, she is more open and calm, and Lexa has been able to catch a glimpse of the Clarke she once knew. It has been refreshing and elevating to witness. 

‘’ Hey,, ‘’ 

Lexa turns slowly to glance over her shoulder, and the first sight of Clarke immediately has her body letting go of the tension it held. She almost visibly relaxes once Clarke steps inside the chamber and closes the door behind her. 

With her eyes studying every detail of Clarke, she feels as her own heart speeds up in pace and a light exhale escapes her lips. 

Clarke is more dressed down than usual. Instead of the familiar Trikru armor that she has been seen wearing, her body is now wrapped in a silky-white robe and her hair is softly pulled over her shoulder. She has a small cup of water in one of her hands and her eyes are eagerly observing the wall in front of Lexa. A wall full of maps and theories. 

‘’ I figured that I’d find you here, any news? ‘’ , Clarke asks while she keeps her gaze on the wall and slowly walks closer to Lexa’s side. 

Lexa joins her stare on the wall, feeling the heavy words settle onto her shoulders with the weight they hold. ‘’ No. ‘’ 

Clarke quietly sighs beside her, before reaching out the cup in front of Lexa. 

‘’ Here, ‘’ She says, and Lexa glances down onto the cup in an instant. 

‘’ You’ve spent too many hours down here, you need to hydrate. ‘’ , Clarke explains as their eyes meet. 

The thoughtful concern is sweet, and Lexa can feel the warmth of it embrace her chest. Clarke has become caring and considerate towards Lexa during the past few days. Something that Lexa has not at all been expecting. It still feels surprising when Clarke each day shows yet another sign of care for her. Although Lexa is deeply welcoming it to her soul and heart. Her body is desperately absorbing every drop of it. 

“ Thank you. “ , she almost whisper the words while taking the cup in the palms of her own hands. 

They stay in silence for awhile, though Lexa can feel Clarke shift beside her to mimic her own stance as she leans against the table behind them. 

To be honest, Lexa is not sure for how long she has been in the chamber, searching for hints about the bunker. Yet the water Clarke suddenly provided her with, eases the heavy thirst that Lexa had not even realized was growing deep down her throat. It eases the tightness once Lexa takes a small sip of the cold water. 

Although once Lexa slowly looks up to her side, she notices Clarke already watching her with the barest hint of a careful smile upon her lips.

For some reason, the small moment has Lexa’s heart  _ racing _ with heat. It trudges hard and fast against her ribs. 

“ Good, huh? “ , she asks with a smirk and Lexa can do nothing else but let her own lips bend up in a genuine smile. 

With slow movement she glances around in the room. There is no windows to allow any light, so Lexa is unsure of how long she actually has been in the chamber. Somewhere along the reading and all the theories, she completely lost track of time. 

“ How late is it? “ 

Clarke smiles carefully. 

“ The day just started. “ , she replies and Lexa immediately looks back to meet her gaze. 

Clarke’s eyes look tired and her hair messy, and Lexa starts to understand that Clarke probably just woke up while she never even went to sleep herself. Somehow she never felt the need to. 

“ How long have you been down here? “ , Clarke asks and Lexa lets her eyes travel from Clarke’s eyes to the wall in front of them. 

“ Too long. “ 

Lexa sighs. From the corner of her eyes, she can clearly notice how Clarke tilts her chin down in an understanding nod. 

She pulls the robe tighter around her body before she crosses her arms in front of her chest. The motion is enough to make Lexa glance over at her. She studies her without really looking for anything yet the white robe still manage to catch the attention of her eyes. 

“ Hey, that is.. “ Lexa pauses as her spine straightens. 

The robe is too familiar to not recognize, however Lexa’s sudden recognition does not go unnoticed by Clarke. 

She glances down onto her own robe, joining Lexa’s stare at it with her heart caught in her throat. Although, it takes a moment for Lexa to realize what she is doing, and once she does it is too late. She is not supposed to recognize it, so she lightly sinks down against the table again. 

“ Oh uh.. “ Clarke begins, and Lexa regrets even saying something at all. She notices how Clarke gets uncomfortable, and that only makes her feel worse. 

“ I am sorry. “, Lexa murmurs as she lowers her chin. 

“ No it’s just.. “ 

Clarke uncomfortably shifts in her position beside her. She tightens her embrace around herself before she heavily and visibly clears her throat. 

“ After she died I just.. “ 

Lexa looks up slowly at the words, noticing the tears that Clarke holds back and the tightness that clenches around her throat. 

She breathes heavily, and Lexa does the same. 

“ I started to hold onto things that was hers. “

“ That  _ smelled  _ like her. _ “  _

Clarke looks up to meet Lexa’s gaze, carefully so. Her doleful eyes wander between Lexa’s with the tears burning down her throat. Yet her shoulders soon shrugs and her gaze drops again. 

“ Until one day they started to smell more like me. “ , Clarke sighs and Lexa can clearly feel the words ache around her heart. 

Her heart beats slow and heavy in the uneven rhythm it finds. It is painful to know that Clarke has been holding onto her things after her death. That she has been keeping them close to her solely for the sake of feeling a connection. 

” Pathetic, huh? “ Clarke lets out in a painful laugh, though Lexa is quick to interrupt. 

“ No. “ 

With watery eyes, Clarke looks up to meet Lexa’s gaze. She slightly eases the hold around herself and the swallow down her throat is clearly visible. 

She waits and watches while Lexa straightens her spine and lets out a breath. 

There is a silence of tension floating around in the air around them. A silence of grief and sorrow that Lexa does not know how to break. There are no words that feels enough. Nothing except telling Clarke the truth. 

Lexa licks the dryness off her lips, and pulls a strand of dark hair behind her own ear. 

Her gaze falls from Clarke’s eyes to the small space between them, and once Lexa looks back up, Clarke is already staring back. Deep and heavy, she stares into the depth of green. 

The stare is enough to take the breath out of her lungs. It is enough to make her only be able to respond with a whisper of Clarke’s name. 

“  _ Clarke. “  _ , Lexa breathes heavily although Clarke is quick to interrupt. 

“ Why do you seem so familiar to me? “ 

Lexa’s eyes travel between blue. Feeling the words like knives to her heart. It cuts her open and leaves her bleeding. It is unexpected and feels surreal. She feels like the world has now shrunken down around them and left nothing free but their shuddering breaths and trembling fingers, and their wild eyes frozen open on one another.

Lexa takes a small step back, not sure how to respond. The sentence leaving Clarke’s mouth has been enough to make her mind feel in daze. Her breath ignites in her throat and burns in the dry hollow. 

She can practically feel her mouth fall open, watching as Clarke observes every feature of her face. She feels as if she is screaming from the deepest recesses of her mind. She feels as if she is drowning,  _ deep _ , unable to swim. 

The look in Clarke’s eyes, the look that manage to cover every part of her face makes the air thicker to breathe and Lexa feels as if she is suffocating inside of it. 

Clarke’s brows are quirked, her head barely tilted and her lips are just slightly pulled apart. The heat from her eyes burns down to Lexa’s soul, and Lexa feels as if Clarke is able to see right through her. Maybe she is. Maybe this is the time to tell Clarke. To let her know that she  _ is here. _ Maybe no other time will ever be better than this. 

Lexa takes a breath to gather her courage, feeling her heart jump inside of her chest as she does so. Feeling her fingers tremble at the sides of her body and her legs shiver underneath her.

“  _ Clarke. “  _ she whispers again, and this time it is Clarke who straightens her spine to prepare herself for whatever is about to leave Lexa’s mouth next. 

But it is just as Lexa has prepared herself enough, and just as her mouth is about to force out the words through the drought in her throat, that the door to the chamber suddenly opens. 

Gaia is quick to walk in with a book steady in her hand, yet Lexa is just as quick to immediately pull away from Clarke. 

She almost feels in daze as she does so, yet is fast to lick the dryness off her lips, and feel the heaviness tighten around her throat. She lowers her chin, and feels completely lost in the moment. Lexa even believes that her hands must be visibly shaking by now. 

She notices that Clarke glances her way from the corner of her eyes, almost to check if Lexa is okay before she hesitantly looks back to Gaia and clears her throat. 

“ Gaia. “ 

Clarke’s tone breaks the silence in the room, and Lexa almost has to force herself to look back up. It is almost as if she got sucked back into reality after floating in the daze of Clarke’s presence. 

“ You were right, Alicia. “ , Gaia says then and Lexa is pulled from her thoughts in an instant. 

“ I know where to find the bunker. “ 

  
  
  
  


**____________**

“ According to this, your theories are right. “ 

Gaia’s finger wander over the sentences in one of Becca’s books. Her mind looks lost in the pages of it before she glances up to the wall in front of them again. 

Gaia stands just in front of them now. Her entire focus is on the wall before her and on the book in her hand. She is deeply dedicated to what she is doing, and all Lexa and Clarke can do is to watch and listen to everything she’s got to say. 

They lean against the table, standing almost painfully close while they try to listen to each word Gaia tells them. 

Lexa can feel Clarke’s finger just barely touching her own beside them from how they both are holding onto the table behind them. Lexa is not sure when it happened. Somewhere along all the talks and plans, she must have put her hands on the table and somewhere in the mess, Clarke must have done the same. 

Honestly, Lexa is not sure who indicated it, but it feels too far gone to retract now. Lexa doesn’t want to, yet she is not completely sure if Clarke has even noticed.

Carefully she glances down to the hands between them. Her heart trudges inside her chest by the vision in front of her. It beats hard and fast against her ribs, and Lexa has to let her mouth fall open to be able to breathe. 

Clarke’s hand is soft and warm. It shivers down Lexa’s spine and makes her whole body feel almost if electrocuted. It makes her feel like she is soaring in the skies above, not wanting to come down from her high. 

Without even noticing, Lexa’s eyes start to wander over Clarke’s body. Traveling from their hands up to study the changes in her face. She looks just as focused to what Gaia is doing as Gaia is. Yet all Lexa can hear is Gaia’s words like a blur in the void. She is unable to listen, unable to focus on anything other than Clarke. 

She was so close to tell her everything. To blurt out the word and face whatever reaction that Clarke would greet her with. Lexa is not sure if she is thankful that Gaia stopped her, or if it would have been better if she had gotten the chance to finally tell Clarke.

“ I don’t understand. “ 

Clarke’s tone suddenly pulls Lexa back to reality , and she is fast to blink back her daze and greet Clarke’s eyes as she turns to look at her. 

“ How did you figure this out? “ , she asks and Lexa’s heart jumps inside her chest by Clarke’s eyes on her. 

She has no idea what has just been said, but she does know that Clarke had a lot to do with how Lexa figured it out. 

Lexa takes a breath, and a hidden smile pulls at the curve of her lips. 

“  _ The mother waits outside to not let any other prey in. “ ,  _ Lexa softly repeats Clarke’s words of what she said in the woods. 

However, once Clarke looks just as confused, Lexa decides to start again. 

She turns her focus to the map on the wall with a sigh. 

“  _ Pauna. “ _

_ “  _ Becca did not want anyone inside of the bunker who was not supposed to be there. “ 

“ So she hid it under his feeding ground,, “ Lexa pauses slowly and turns to look at Clarke again, noticing how she turns her own gaze from the map to greet Lexa’s eyes too.

“ She kept him as the protector. “ 

“ To not let anyone find the bunker, because she was aware that it was a place where no kind would search. “

Clarke slowly raises her chin, yet she looks just as confused as her eyes squints. 

“ That’s genius. “ Clarke breathes then. 

Her mind looks millions of miles away, and Lexa slowly nods. It is. 

“ But.. “ 

Clarke rapidly blinks back the daze from her eyes, before her focus turns back to Gaia and the maps. 

“ What now? “ 

“ What are we supposed to do now? “ 

Lexa notices how Clarke did not directly ask the question for her to answer, but once Lexa meets Gaia’s gaze only for Gaia to nod back at her with a smile, Lexa softly and surely breaks the silence. 

“ As the  _ Commander,  _ you will now assemble a meeting with the ambassadors. “ 

Lexa lets the words softly out of her mouth. Clarke is new to this. It is understandable that she does not know what to do. Though luckily, Lexa has years of experience and she will be right here to guide Clarke through each step. 

Clarke is fast to turn her attention to Lexa. Her eyes are open wide and her chest raises in a heavy breathing. She is nervous, Lexa can tell. Though there is no need for her to be. She is not alone, and Lexa will make sure of it. 

With a careful smile pulling at her lips, Lexa lets her heart speak. 

“ You will assemble a meeting, and you will let the ambassadors be aware of what we know. “ 

Lexa can almost feel how Clarke finds comfort in her words. She seems to feel safer by the knowledge that Lexa is here to guide her, and that is precisely Lexa’s mission. 

“ Then, you and I will find the bunker to make sure that it is safe for the others to use. “ 

Clarke slowly raises her chin as she draws in a heavy breath that settles to her chest. 

“ We have to go to his feeding ground? “ 

Clarke’s brow just slightly arches before her eyes squints. Lexa knows about the memories it holds. She shared those memories with Clarke, and it is understandable if that time when they first was hunted by the pauna scared Clarke and left its scars in her mind. 

She does not want to put Clarke in danger, nor forcing her to do something that she does not want to do. Though Lexa believes that they can do this,  _ together.  _

So with a tilt of her chin, Lexa carefully nods. 

“ Do you join me? “ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations 
> 
> pauna - gorilla


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo!!
> 
> first off I just wanna say that your comments motivate me to write sooo much! I read all of them and get as happy each time so thank you! and Luckily I’ve had a few days off so I have been able to write a lot, however I’m going back to work tomorrow and will be working for a few days so the next chapter probably won’t be out until some day next week, maybe even next weekend :/ 
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoy this, and what do we feel about the last scene????
> 
> ( This chapter was written to I’ll come back for you by MAX )

” Are you prepared? “ Lexa asks as she walks up close beside Clarke outside of the throne room. 

Just like Lexa’s suggestion, Clarke had made sure to assemble a meeting with the ambassadors, and now they are both waiting for everyone to show up in Polis. 

They are both waiting, both in full Grounder armor. Clarke is dressed in heavy Trikru gear, her hair is softly braided down her back. She looks beautiful, and absolutely stunning. Still, Lexa is more dressed down from her usual Azgeda clothes. She is left in a simpler black shirt and her dark curly hair hangs loose over her shoulders. 

It takes only a moment close to a second for Clarke to be aware of Lexa’s presence, and once she is, she heavily lets out a breath. ‘’ I think so. ‘’

The words shudders from Clarke’s lips, _nervously so_. Her hands are clasped almost painfully tight in front of her body and it almost looks just as if she’s got the weight of the world upon her shoulders. Her whole body is tense and solid like a statue grown stuck to its ground. 

“ Clarke. “ Lexa whispers then, eyes stuck on the woman beside her and once Clarke rapidly turns to meet her gaze, Lexa continues to let the next words softly slip out of her mouth.

“ _Relax._ “ 

Clarke does. With a heavy exhale she lets her shoulder sink and her legs ease its stance. 

“ I am right here. “ 

Clarke nods slowly, eyes locked in the depth of green and Lexa can almost see how Clarke’s whole face visibly relaxes by her words. She is right here with her, she is here to help. 

A comfortable silence sweeps in between them. A silence that has Lexa’s heart jumping inside her chest and a silence that only makes her get lost in Clarke and her presence. She drowns to the deepest hollow of her heart. 

The lack of words almost tells more than a thousand words would ever be able to. Lexa seems to know Clarke enough without the need of them. She knows each thought and feeling that embraces Clarke and carves to her heart. She can see it deep down her eyes and only with the language of her body. 

However, their attention soon turns to the ambassadors that one after the other soon start to approach them. Yet as soon as they do, Lexa makes sure to slightly back away from Clarke. 

She leaves Clarke on the forefront, letting her greet the ambassadors as her given role as Commander. All Lexa can do is watch, _proudly so._

It warms her heart to watch Clarke nod her head down in a greeting to each and everyone that walks up to her and into the room, and it makes her even happier when she notices that almost everyone greets back. 

It is only once the familiar face appears on the staircase and close to them that Lexa becomes stiff in her position behind Clarke. Roan’s heavy armors hangs loose over his body. His steps are heavy and determined as he starts to approach Clarke. 

“ So, have you found a solution yet? “ He murmurs, husky and low. 

His voice almost shivers down Lexa’s spine and she makes sure to watch his every move carefully as he gets closer to Clarke. 

“ We might. “ Clarke replies, and Roan huffs. 

“ Well, you better let me in on the meeting this time. “ 

“ I told you last time that it would be a new meeting in a few days, Roan. “ 

“ It’s been over two weeks. “ 

Roan’s voice only grows more frustrated and raspy. It cuts through the tension in the air and leaves Clarke with no words to respond with. 

Lexa notices how Clarke straightens her spine and draws in a breath. She notices every change of expression that Roan brought out since he let his words cut right through her. Though Lexa will not allow it. Clarke has had enough burdens, she does not need to deal with Roan too. 

“ It took longer than we expected “ Lexa says then, firm and clear. Though the sudden tone of her voice must have taken both Roan and Clarke by surprise as they soon turn to look at her. 

Clarke immediately seems more relaxed, though Roan almost looks the opposite. 

“ Alicia. “ 

“ I barely recognized you. “ 

Lexa raises her chin, she keeps her stare deeply focused on Roan. She will not allow herself to glance away. 

“ May I have a word? “ He says then, though the words come out in more of a demand than a question, and Lexa can feel the heat of Clarke’s eyes onto the side of her face. 

She stares at Lexa, almost worriedly so. She watches every move that Roan and Lexa makes and once Lexa tilts her chin down and blinks back in response, she is almost able to hear the light exhale that Clarke releases.

Lexa decides to follow Roan as he guides them away from the crowd and away from Clarke. He guides them to a corner of the tower that is not as occupied by the other ambassadors, and once they are alone he quickly turns to look at Lexa. 

His eyes observes every detail of her body, noticing that she is not wearing their traditional _Azgeda_ -armor or the white warpaint upon her face. However, Lexa hasn’t felt the need to wear it. She hasn’t wanted to. Though the quick notice soon has Roan sigh in frustration. 

“ I hope you have followed our plan. “ He huffs, and Lexa stills. 

To be honest, she had forgotten about their plan. There has been too much to think about for her to even remember the deal she made with Roan. Once she got to Polis, she has spent all focus on getting closer to Clarke, to earn back her trust. She has spent a great amount of time in helping Clarke save the world. 

Lexa sucks in a breath, a breath that heats down her throat and shudders in her lungs. 

“ I have. “ , she speaks and Roan raises his chin.

“ Good. So _Azgeda_ is safe? “ 

“ A few. Just as many as from any other clan. “ 

Lexa lightly shakes her head. The same rule applies for everyone. She will not promise that Azgeda will have more place than any other clan in that bunker. She can’t. There are 500 places, 500 places that they will divide equally to each clan. 

With a heavy breath, Roan does not seem as satisfied with the answer. Probably because he is aware of how Ice Nation are on the outcast of the coalition. 

He scratches the back of his head, his gaze wanders around the room before he turns back to look at Lexa with a fire burning in his eyes. 

“ What’s going on with you? “ He asks in a raspy whisper, and Lexa tightly clenches her jaw. 

“ After today, Echo is staying here and _you_ are following me home. “ 

“ You are _not_ in on this meeting. “

Lexa feels the words cut right through her. They leave her open wounded and bleeding. They make her shoulders sink and her mouth to fall half-open. She can not go back to _Azgeda,_ not now. She is too close to Clarke, too close to tell her the truth. 

With her heart caught in her throat, she watches as Roan walks over to the throne room where Clarke keeps watch outside. He is the last one to walk in, and as Lexa turns to look, her eyes soon greets Clarke’s. 

She stands outside of the door, with her hands hanging down the sides of her body and with her eyes locked on Lexa from far. Her brows are quirked and her lips slightly pulled apart. 

She must have noticed the small argument with Roan, though Lexa is not sure how much she actually managed to hear. 

It pains Lexa that she does not know what the future holds, that she may have to leave Polis and Clarke. Though the worst thing is that it seems like there is nothing she can do to stop this. 

She will have to let Clarke deal with this meeting on her own, and she will wait for what the future holds. 

So with her insides twisting and turning inside of her gut, and with a heat burning down her throat, she forces her lips to bend in a painful smile. 

She nods slowly towards Clarke, to make sure that it is okay before she lets her lips form the word. “ _Go. “_ She mouths and Clarke sucks in a breath. 

She soon does what Lexa wishes, and slowly but hesitantly, walks into the room and closes the door behind. She leaves Lexa alone outside in the empty hallway. Alone with nothing but her screaming thoughts and pounding heart. She leaves Lexa alone in wonder about _what_ is going to happen. How will she convince Roan to let her stay in Polis? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_____________**

Lexa waits in what feels like an eternity outside the doors of the throne room. She sits still on the cold ground underneath her with her legs crossed in front of her. 

Every now and then, she manage to hear some voices coming from within, yet nothing clear for her to understand.

Seconds starts turning to minutes, minutes starts turning to what feels like hours as she sits still. Each minute, only has her heart pounding harder. She has no idea what will greet her once the door opens and Roan walks back out. Will she have to leave her home? 

Lexa arches her neck back in a sigh and heavily closes her eyes. She is not ready to leave, not yet. She has not been given enough time. 

Her legs shake in front of her the more she focus on keeping them still, and Lexa is clearly aware of the anxious heat running through her veins. 

Yet just as she lets out a breath, the doors to the room heavily opens and Lexa is quick to open her eyes. They flutter open in an instant once the voices becomes clearer and louder, and Lexa waste no time in rising to her feet. 

With her heart racing on the inside of her chest, she watches each and every ambassador leave the room and walk down the hallway to the big staircase. She watches eagerly and impatiently for Clarke, and once she sees the glimpse of blonde, her heart stops. 

Lexa becomes numb from where she stands in her step further away from the doors. She watches the big crowd become smaller as more and more of the ambassadors leave, and the last ones to walk out are Clarke and Roan. 

They walk side by side, their lips moving in a motion with the words they let out yet that Lexa is not able to hear. All she can do is watch in an anxious excitement, and soon enough both Clarke and Roan’s attention turns to Lexa. 

She stands still, with muscles going numb in her body and greets their eyes. Though Clarke soon lowers her chin in a light exhale and turns back to Roan. She says something. Something that has Roan shaking his head before he frustrated leaves the place and follows the other ambassadors out of the tower. 

It is just then, once the hallway is empty and quiet that Lexa gathers courage and walks up to Clarke. Hesitantly she lets her legs guide her over the floor and closer to the blonde, and once she is just close enough, she lets out a light breath. Drowning in the feeling of Clarke’s presence. 

“ What happened? “ , The words leave Lexa’s mouth in almost a desperate whisper. 

“ Everyone took the meeting well. “ Clarke replies then but Lexa lightly shakes her head. 

“ No. “ , she breathes. 

“ What happened with Roan. “ 

For the first time since Lexa walked up to her, Clarke now turns to look at her. The heavy breath looks stuck in her throat as Clarke breathes in and her eyes wander over Lexa’s face. 

She almost drinks in the vision of Lexa, and Lexa does the same. _Impatiently so_. 

“ I told him that I won’t let you leave. “ Clarke lets out in a whisper of breath. The words clenches in her throat and tightens her jaw. 

“ You helped a lot and I can’t do this without you. “ 

Lexa lets the words stick to her. She lets them carve themselves to her heart. Clarke fought for her. She fought for her stay in Polis, because deep down, Clarke may have not wanted her to leave either. 

“ I told him to let you stay in Polis so that we can finish what we started and save our people. “ 

Lexa lets out a shuddering breath, eyes traveling desperately between blue. Her heart beats heavy inside her chest, painfully so. 

“ Thank you, Clarke. “ 

The words leave her mouth in a whisper of need. In a desperate desire that Clarke quickly absorbs. The words settles to Clarke, and pulls in the corner of her lips to reveal a hidden smile. 

“ Now lets go, we have a bunker to find. “ 

Clarke raises a brow in a playful motion, and for the first time since Lexa got to Polis she gets to see Clarke smile. _Really_ smile. A smile that does not carry the burden of sorrow or grief. A smile that brings out a similar one on to Lexa’s lips. 

“ I just need to stop by my room and gather supplies, do you want to join me? “ 

Lexa lets her eyes stay stuck on Clarke, hesitantly glancing down to her lips before she tilts her chin down in a nod. 

“ Yes. “ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**______________**

They walk down the empty hallway, surprisingly quiet beside one another and closer to Lexa’s old bedroom. It surprises Lexa that Clarke now allows her in the tower, let alone close to the room. She remembers her first days in Polis, and how guarded Clarke had been. Now she is _guiding_ her closer to the room, letting her follow each step she takes. 

No guards are anywhere near the doors once they come to a stop, and the lack of them actually surprises Lexa. Yet, she makes sure to stop in a consensual and respectful length from the room, waiting for Clarke and whatever she may need to get. 

Lexa does not want to overstep. Clarke has made it clear about her boundaries before and Lexa does not want to cross them. So she stands still, hands clasped behind her back and waits for Clarke. 

Although Clarke soon glances over her shoulder, her eyes meeting Lexa’s. 

“ It is okay. “ She says softly and Lexa sucks in a breath. 

“ I am inviting you in. “ 

The words spread a warmth in Lexa’s chest. They ease the tightness in throat, still manage to make her gut twist. Her hands shiver behind her back and her breath trembles as she breathes. 

“ Just.. don’t tell anyone about this. “ Clarke swallows thickly and Lexa makes sure to tilt her chin down and blink back in response. 

It is clear that Clarke is letting her guard down more than she ever has. She is trusting Lexa with something that she keeps very close to her heart, and Lexa will not take advantage of it. She is doing all of this, solely on Clarke’s terms. 

However, Lexa can not deny the way her heart dances inside her chest once Clarke slowly opens the doors. Once she slowly opens the doors to reveal the familiar bedroom to Lexa’s home. 

With an hesitant step forward, Lexa steps inside. 

Everything looks just the same, painfully close to how Lexa remembered it. She almost feels in daze by the vision in front of her. The couch in the middle of the room, the candles scattered around in different places. It glows with the help of the flames as it lights up the place, beautifully so. 

She is completely taken and mesmerized by the vision in front of her. It makes her whole body go numb and Lexa almost forgets to breathe. 

She follows Clarke further into the room, with her mind in daze she lets her eyes travel over every detail. 

Though it does not take long until Lexa notices something unfamiliar about it. 

The walls are covered in paintings, and as Lexa glances down, so is her entire floor. 

The wood and stone, are covered with images of Lexa’s face. They are covered with images of her past life, and Lexa gets completely lost in the vision of it. _This,_ is what Clarke has kept hidden. 

“ Woah. “ Lexa breathes before she has time to stop herself. She does not mean to let the words out of her mouth, yet the sight in front of her is almost too overwhelming to witness. 

She feels Clarke close to her side, and she must have noticed what Lexa just turned her attention to. The warmth of Clarke’s presence burns beside her. 

“ It is a work in progress. “ Clarke whispers, the words almost cracking in the back of her throat, yet Lexa lets her eyes continue to wander over every part of the floor. 

“ Or it used to be. “ 

“ I haven’t been able to draw in a while. “ 

Clarke sighs, and Lexa glances back up by the words, with tears burning behind her eyelids. 

“ Why? “ She whispers, voice cracking and weak. 

Though Clarke painfully forces her lips to smile. She points to the floor in the far end of the room, and Lexa follows her direction in an instant. 

“ Look at the drawings, starting from the right corner. “ She murmurs, and Lexa does. 

The silence creeps in once Lexa lets her eyes observe the artwork. She starts from the right corner, and continues over the floor to the other end. Images of Lexa fills the floor, though they become smaller and less detailed once Lexa reaches the other end of the room. 

“ It's been over a year since she died, and I’m starting to forget. “ 

Clarke’s words almost echoes in the back of her head. The world around her feels in blur suddenly, and anything other than the images in front of her, fades from Lexa’s sight. 

Her hands shake, and her legs shiver. Her throat feels painfully tight and Lexa has to fight the burning fire in her eyes. 

Though she hears Clarke suck in a new breath. A breath that rattles between her teeth and pulls tears from her eyes when it rolls back out.

“ Each day that passes, it’s getting harder to draw the details. “ 

“ Her face is starting to blur the more I try to focus on it. “ 

Lexa glances up to Clarke’s side now, noticing the tears burning on the surface of her eyes as well. 

Clarke licks the wetness of her lips and pulls up the back of her hand to wipe under her nose. 

“ I wanted to fill the room but.. the memories of her and of how she looked like starts to fade. “ 

“ So I haven’t been able to. “ 

Clarke swallows back the drought in her throat, and Lexa watches how her jaw tightly clenches. She can almost visibly _see_ the pain that she is in, and can _feel_ the grief and death that still lingers in the walls. 

“ _Clarke. “_

Lexa whispers with a crack of her voice. She moves closer to Clarke, _quietly so_ , and she allows herself to reach out for Clarke. Luckily, Clarke allows it too. 

She allows Lexa to take her hand, and without really thinking about it, Lexa brings it close to her heart. Feeling the skin of Clarke’s palm shudder against the flesh over Lexa’s heart. 

It beats hard and fast against Clarke’s palm, and Lexa figures that Clarke probably can feel it as well. 

Yet they stay in silence for awhile, frozen eyes being stuck on one another and a memory of a past life sweeping through their veins. 

The depth of blue burns into Lexa’s gaze, and her watery eyes only aches more in Lexa’s chest. This moment solely contains of trembling fingers and whispering breaths.

“ She is always in here. “ , Lexa whispers low and shaky and Clarke’s brows quirks to fight back the tears. 

Her hand trembles against Lexa’s chest before she soon lets out a shuddering breath and lowers her gaze. She gathers strength to step back, and Lexa allows her. Clarke’s touch fades from her heart as Clarke instead brings her hands up to wipe away the tears from both sides of her cheeks. 

“ We should go. “ 

She says in a breath of tears, and Lexa exhales heavily. The weight of the world feels stuck to her shoulders, and Lexa _knows_ that she has to tell Clarke, soon. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi! 
> 
> i am so sorry for the incredibly long wait. I’ve been so busy with work and other personal issues that I’ve not found the motivation nor time to write anything. 
> 
> But anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

They spend the walk down the forest in a lingering silence and with an untold truth. A tension of desire and grief, clouds the air above and embraces the tightness in Lexa’s chest. 

Every now and then, she shoots a glance to her left, watching as Clarke walks tense and silent beside her. 

They have not said a word since they left Polis. No words have been exchanged between them since their moment in the tower. Since their moment in the room where they were captured by a cloud of emotions and dragged through a journey of a past life. 

The images of Lexa that covered most of the space in her old room, still replays on a loop with no end inside of Lexa’s mind. It is still overwhelming and hard to believe, that Clarke has spent her grief and mourning in making it into art on the open spaces around her. That she has spent her time in wanting Lexa, _missing her,_ to draw the memory of her previous self onto the stone walls and wooden floors. 

The images of it, had completely taken Lexa by surprise. It left her speechless and aching. Aching for Clarke and of the life that they could have had. Of the life they managed to get a small taste of before it was completely taken away in the blink of an eye. 

Lexa had not been able to do nothing else than to reach out for Clarke. Once she noticed the emotions trapped inside of her, Lexa could not hold herself back. She needed to comfort her, needed to make her feel safe. So without thinking about it, Lexa had stepped forward and grabbed Clarke’s hand. 

Now, Lexa is not sure if it had been the right decision to do so. With how silent Clarke is, and _has_ been ever since they left Polis, Lexa is not sure if she overstepped. 

With her eyes roaming Clarke’s face, Lexa is trying to see the changes and the feelings hiding on the surface. Her jaw is sharp, yet her eyes are lowered as she keeps her stare on the path underneath her feet. Her blonde hair hangs loose over the sides of her shoulders and her body is trapped in a heavy grounder-armor. 

She is quiet and retracted in her pursuit of presence. Trying to stay focused to what is going on around, yet trapped in the darkness of her thoughts.

“ I am sorry. “ 

Lexa says then, unable to stop herself once the words have found the strength to slip right through. 

It pulls at Clarke’s attention, and she waste no time in glancing up to meet Lexa’s gaze. Eyes warm and welcoming. Sorrowful and lonely. She tugs at her lower lip, before she looks back to the path ahead. Maybe the words had seemed as sudden to her as they did to Lexa.

Yet Lexa notices as Clarke sucks in a breath with a heavy thought spinning in her head. 

“ Can we make a short stop before we go to _pauna_? “ , she asks before looking back. 

Her eyes traveling between green before Lexa slowly nods. “ Of course. “ 

It does not matter where Clarke would have gone. Lexa would have followed her to the end of the world and back if she asked her to. And even then, she would have gone further. She would have followed her without the need of request, without the need of words. She would have gone beyond and further for the need of Clarke. 

“ This way. “ 

Clarke says then, nodding towards the direction to their left before she speeds up in pace to guide the way. 

Guide the way through the depth of the forest, through the embracing branches and dancing leaves. Through the woods of life with the song of birds in the back. Through the blur and daze, Clarke guides Lexa deeper into the forest and further away from any version of reality. 

  
  
  
  
  


_______________

  
  
  
  
  


Lexa lets Clarke guide the way. Restricted and silent, she keeps her place behind her. Following every step she takes and she leads the way through the depth of the forest, and further from anything Lexa recognizes. 

The silence is the only thing to keep them company, and Lexa is unsure of what to say or what to do to make the tension feel a little lighter. Maybe there is nothing she _can_ do. Maybe they need this moment of ache and longing to move forward. Maybe it is the only thing that _moves_ them forward. 

So Lexa remains silent. She remains silent and retracted as she follows Clarke through the place she once called home. Through the forest that lingers with secrets and full filled honesty. Of a forest that does yet know about grief and death, yet is still soaked with the feelings of it. 

“ Hey you. “ , Clarke says then with a voice softer than Lexa remembers, and Lexa is quickly pulled from her blur. 

She had not even realized that Clarke had begun to speed down or how the forest had suddenly opened to reveal a beautiful open landscape of nature. 

The space is quiet, _still._ It is a place that does not know anything other than calm and peace, and Lexa can feel the emotions of it settle to her chest. The air feels lighter to breathe and her shoulders almost visibly relaxes as she glances around. 

However, Clarke’s words does not go forgotten and when Lexa follows Clarke's gaze only to land on the larger stone in the middle of the open space, Lexa can physically _feel_ her heart drop. 

She stands still, frozen stuck to the ground with lungs that does not allow her to breathe, and _watches_ as Clarke moves closer to the lonely stone. 

“ I am not alone today, but I hope you don’t mind. “ 

Clarke puts her hand onto the stone before she kneels on the ground in front of it. And it is just then, as Lexa watches Clarke be so open and vulnerable, completely _sinking_ to the ground, that she understands exactly _where_ Clarke has taken her. 

Clarke has taken her to her own grave. To her own place of memorial. And maybe it is just to this place, that Clarke has been sneaking off to. All of her secret journeys to the forest, she was _always_ coming here. Back to Lexa. Because truly, she never let her go. 

Lexa swallows thickly with her mind in daze, and watches every move Clarke makes. Her heart feels caught in her throat, not providing her with any oxygen to breathe. 

The world is sneaking in on her, fading to blur in the corner of her eyes, and Lexa can not move no matter how hard she tries. 

“ I’m sorry for not stopping by for a few days. “ 

“ We have been so busy in trying to save the world, Lexa. “ 

Clarke says softly, and Lexa heavily closes her eyes. The weight of the world feels trapped to her eyelids while her heart absorbs each word leaving Clarke’s mouth. 

She drinks in the feeling of it, hearing Clarke heavily exhale before she takes a new breath. 

“ Do you mind giving us some time? “ 

Clarke’s tone is low and apologetic, and when Lexa opens her eyes by the realization that Clarke has now turned her attention to her, Lexa can see Clarke glance back at her from over her shoulder. 

Lexa is taken aback for a moment, drawn from the daze and sorrow of the moment, and it takes awhile for her to recover. She blinks back the blur from her eyes, swallowing down the emotions in her throat before she licks the dryness off her lips. 

Her hands are tightly clasped together behind her back once Lexa _forces_ her chin to tilt down in a nod. She understands that this is a personal and important moment for Clarke. A moment she has allowed Lexa to be part of, and Lexa has to respect her very careful in this moment. 

So with numb legs, cramping by the muscles of grief, Lexa begins to back away. 

“ I will wait. “ , she says through the thickness in her throat, and Clarke nods slowly. 

She backs slowly from the place of death and memory. She backs away, _watching_ as Clarke begins to put flowers in front of the stone. Flowers that Lexa had not even paid attention to that Clarke had picked. And a stone that has Lexa’s name _carved_ to the front of it. 

She hears Clarke mumble something, something too low for her to hear, yet she soon lets a painful laugh in form of a breath of air out of her mouth. 

Seeing Clarke here, is different from anything Lexa has seen before. Here, in the spiritual presence of Lexa, Clarke is not nearly as guarded. She is not the Commander of the human race. She is not the leader of the world. Here with Lexa, she allows herself to be simply, _Clarke._

_______________

_  
  
  
  
  
  
_

The wait for Clarke feels like an eternity of time as Lexa stands still in the forest further away from her place of memorial. She stands still and quiet, her lungs aching with each breath she takes and her heart cutting her open from inside and out. 

Watching Clarke near her own gravestone, had been a sight more haunting than anything Lexa has witnessed. It made her lungs forget how to breathe, and it made her heart forget how to beat. She feels out of breath, with the forest too empty to provide her with new. How do one recover from a sight like that? From a sight that clenches around every muscle in one’s body. 

Lexa heavily lets out a breath, a breath that fades into nothingness the moment she lets it out of her mouth. A breath that rattles between her lungs and makes her eyes shrinking close as she lowers her chin. She can almost psychically _feel_ her heart thrum against her insides, craving to be let out and guide her legs back closer to Clarke. 

With that, Lexa opens her eyes and glances over her shoulder. Through the branches of the trees, she can still see her. Still see Clarke, on both knees in front of the grave. The flowers she had picked is now well placed on the ground before her and her whole body has shrunken low. 

The sight is painful and haunting. It is a sight that Lexa never wished to witness. How is one able to handle a situation like this? How does one move on from it? 

Lexa swallows thickly and repositions her stance the moment she notices Clarke begin to move. She rises to her feet and glances over her shoulder, almost as to check if Lexa is still around. _She is_ . She forces her lips to form a comforting and reassuring smile, raising her chin as her eyes greets Clarke’s. She _is_ still here, she has not left. 

With that, Clarke soon begins to move her way. She walks closer to Lexa again, and with each step she takes, Lexa can only feel her heart beat faster. She does not know what to say to Clarke, nor how to comfort her in this moment of grief. Can she? 

Once Clarke comes almost close enough for Lexa to touch, Lexa immediately begins to observe her face and the feelings hiding on the surface. She does it without thinking about it really, yet she lets her eyes roam over every feature of Clarke’s face. 

Her eyes are red and heavy, and with that, Lexa _knows_ that tears have kept her eyes occupied. Just the knowledge of it aches as it settles to Lexa’s chest. She is unsure of _how_ to greet Clarke the correct way. She is unsure of what the first word should be. So instead, Lexa raises her chin and remains her eyes locked deeply on Clarke. 

“ I use to come here. “ 

Clarke breaks the silence then. Chin lowering and eyes glancing down on the ground underneath her feet. Almost as if she can’t bear to look at Lexa once she lets the words out. 

Lexa follows her movement, not taking one moment to look away. Her eyes feel glued to Clarke with the weight around them. 

“ Every day I come back to this place. “ 

Clarke looks up then and their eyes are quick to lock. 

There is something so strong in the air around them. Something floating with tension and desire. Something lingering in air of grief and sorrow. Something so strong that it makes the rest of the world feel in blur. 

“ Have you lost anyone? “ 

The words are sudden as they leave Clarke’s lips. They hold the weight of curiosity and care. It is a genuine question that Lexa did not expect. So with eyes traveling deep between blue, Lexa soon nods. 

Clarke raises her chin, and the sound of the breath she releases tingles with ache low in Lexa’s gut. She can psychically _feel_ Clarke’s eyes burn into her. Her stare is something so powerful it completely takes the breath out of her lungs. 

“ You’re not much of a talker, are you? “ 

Clarke asks then, and Lexa is quick to let her lips part to allow her more breath. 

“ Do you want me to be? “

Clarke shrugs her shoulders and exhales deeply before her chin lowers. 

“ I don’t mind the silence. “ 

She glances over her shoulder and back to the gravestone further away. Lexa is quick to join Clarke’s stare, and finds her own eyes landing on the haunting place further away. 

The silence creeps in once the feelings takes over. The place that just minutes ago felt magical to breathe, now lingers with a tension of death and ghosts. _Lexa’s_ ghost. It is no longer a place that holds calm and warmth. It is a place that is trapped with the death of Lexa. It is a place that holds a darkness darker than anything Lexa could imagine. It is _her_ place of death. It is a place that the ghost of her _still_ haunts. 

Lexa barely even realizes that Clarke has turned her attention back to her, and she almost has to _force_ herself to do the same. 

“ Ready to go? “ , she asks then and Lexa slowly nods. 

_  
  
_

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End file.
